Whether you’re at your morning coffee shop, your favorite restaurant, or even at your wax appointment, you’re used to asking for exactly what you want. So how come when it comes time to do the same in bed, we freeze? Hell, sometimes even asking your boss for a raise feels like less pressure than asking your partner to move their fingers up just half an inch. So what gives?
It doesn’t matter if you’re with your spouse of 10 years or even a random hookup—when we go to speak up about what we like (or don’t like) during sex, we feel tongue tied.
“Many people are excellent communicators everywhere except the bedroom simply because sex touches something much more vulnerable than logistics or conflict,” relationship therapist & chief sexologist at SXWA Dr. Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, tells Cosmopolitan. “It asks us to reveal desire, fantasy, insecurity, and sometimes shame.”
And sometimes we’re carrying a lot of emotional baggage around sex that we don’t even realize. Sex therapist Kim Dixon, LPC, explains that many of us inherited messages about sex before we ever became sexually active.
“Whether it was purity culture, religious teachings, gender expectations, or simply growing up in families where sex wasn't discussed, we often learned what not to do before we ever learned how to understand our own bodies, desires, or boundaries.”
Even if we’re with a partner that we love, trust, and communicate effectively with in every other aspect of our lives, talking about sex doesn’t always translate.
“Desire speaks in a language that many of us weren't ever taught how to translate,” Dr. Berkheimer explains.
I know we’re all used to seeing “if he wanted to, he would” all over social media, but in real life relationships, this doesn’t always apply—especially in bed. Everyone has a different body that reacts in its own unique way to touch. It’s not up to your partner to just know what you want. Unfortunately, you’re going to have to communicate it!
But all hope is not lost. As awkward as it can feel, even if you feel like you’ll break into hives every time you try to ask for what you want in bed, you’re not doomed to a life of mediocre sex. You just have to commit to pushing past the discomfort—because there is some really great sex on the other side.
Before you can ask for what you want, you need to figure out what it is exactly that you want.
If something feels “missing” during sex but you don’t quite know what it is, you’re going to want to go back to the lab—AKA masturbate. Find out what relaxes you, what feels good, and what turns you on.
“Pleasure isn't something your partner delivers—it's a relationship you build with yourself first, then invite someone else to experience with you,” Dr. Berkheimer says.
“Intimacy starts with self-awareness,” Dixon emphasizes.
Once you know how you specifically like to be touched, licked, spanked, whatever, it’s time to bring your partner in.
Whether you and your partner share a bank account or have barely shared last names, this is a conversation you’re going to want outside of the context of sex. By that, I mean that telling your partner that you want to try something new mid-thrust doesn’t really foster a great environment for honesty or consent.
“Outside the bedroom is usually the best place for bigger conversations because neither person feels like they're being graded in real time.”
And you definitely don’t want to have the conversation immediately after some disappointing sex. Prioritizing your pleasure doesn’t mean making someone else feel bad about their “performance.”
“Sexual communication works much better as an ongoing conversation than a crisis meeting.”
Dr. Berkheimer suggests having the discussion on a walk, over coffee, or even while cuddling after a particularly satisfying session. You’ll both feel relaxed, comfortable, and likely open to the idea of sex getting even better. She says that the best sexual conversations happen when no one is trying to have sex at the moment.
So what exactly do you say? She explains she uses this framework:
- I love…
- I'd love even more…
- Would you be open to...
For example: "I love how connected I feel when we take our time. I'd love even more kissing before we have sex. Would you be open to trying that next time?" This keeps you and your partner on the same team.
Now, some people may not have an issue speaking up for what they want, but instead they’re worried it may come off as an insult to their partner or not be received well. If you go into a conversation with that mindset, it might translate that way verbally. But Dr. Berkheimer says to lead with curiosity, not correction.
“Rather than focusing on what's missing, invite your partner into something you'd enjoy exploring together,” she says. By saying something like, “I’ve been thinking about something that sounds hot to me. Would you be open to trying?” you’re telling your partner that whatever your fantasy is involves them.
And even if your partner doesn’t seem as psyched as you to try something new or different, don’t take it to heart. You also want to make sure you’re not making them feel bad for having their own sexual likes and dislikes.
“Everyone has different comfort levels, boundaries, and timelines,” Dr. Berkheimer says. “A healthy sexual relationship makes room for both desire and consent. Instead of trying to persuade your partner, stay curious (again this is key).” But you can push the conversation forward to find a compromise. Asking your partner what gives them pause will help you understand them more and even potentially create more intimacy. You just have to make sure you’re actually interested in learning about your partner and growing together.
The key, Dr. Berkheimer says, is to work with your partner to figure out how to create something sexually that you both want to keep coming back to.
“The conversation isn't about proving who's right or who's doing enough,” she says. “It's about creating an intimate life that feels satisfying, connected, and playful for both people.”
And remember, these conversations should be happening for the duration of your relationship — because just like you, your desires change as you grow.
“The healthiest couples approach conversations about sex with curiosity instead of certainty,” Dixon says. “Rather than treating intimacy as something they figured out years ago, they stay committed to ongoing discovery; both of themselves and each other.”
