Ask 10 people what intimate sex looks like, and you’ll probably get 10 different answers. For some, it’s slow, passionate sex and lots of cuddling. For others, it’s trying something vulnerable together or exploring a shared kink. That’s because intimacy isn’t really about checking certain boxes or trying certain sex acts. It’s about how connected, safe, and present those experiences make you feel.
“There’s not a universal definition everyone’s going to agree on because we all have different experiences,” says marriage and family therapist Rachel Wright, sex expert for Zumio. For one person, intimate sex might mean cuddling, kissing, and lingering eye contact. For someone else, it could involve BDSM, impact play, or anything else that creates a deeper sense of trust and connection.
That’s also why intimate sex isn’t just for long-term couples. “Intimate sex can be performed with anyone—it's not reserved for certain people or relationships,” explains sexologist and tantra practitioner Tyomi Morgan. Instead, what makes sex feel intimate is less about what you’re doing and more about how you’re doing it. Building trust, communicating openly, staying present, and focusing on connection can all make sex feel more emotionally charged, regardless of the type of sex involved.
Ahead, experts explain how to have more intimate sex, from strengthening emotional connection and slowing things down to finding small ways to feel more connected with your partner—or yourself.
1. Define intimacy for yourself.
First thing’s first: Figure out what intimate sex looks like for you and for the person/people you’re having sex with, suggests Wright. Without doing that, it may be much harder to connect in the moment. Have an intimacy brainstorming session and jot down a few words or ideas to get a better understanding of your own desires.
2. Pick someone(s) you trust.
Intimate sex can happen with anyone, regardless of relationship status, but it’s best when you already have some sort of emotional connection. “Generally speaking, intimate sex is great with someone you feel safe with and close to,” says Wright. “For some people that may mean in a committed relationship and for others, that could simply be someone trusted.” Regardless of whether or not you’ve defined the relationship, make sure there’s a mutual level of respect before getting intimate together.
3. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
We’ll be the first to tell you pillow talk is 100 percent *not* overrated. “Communication is one of the pillars of connection,” Morgan explains. “Knowing what a person needs to feel safe enough to show up to a sexual experience, turn-ons/offs, and desires are paramount to feeling closeness.” Talk before, during, and after sex to help create a deeper sense of connection.
4. Go sloooow.
Why not build the intimacy of the moment with a little (or better yet, a lot of) foreplay? Morgan says “slow and conscious movement” that emphasizes “mutual pleasure and satisfaction” are major characteristics of intimate sex, so use this as an opportunity to break out the massage oil, engage in some sensual outercourse, and pay attention to every stroke.
5. Incorporate tantric elements.
Tantric sex is an ancient form of intimate sex that’s all about connecting deeply with your partner and yourself, Morgan explains. When done correctly, it can help you reach a totally blissed-out sexual state that deepens connection and heightens sensations. You can take a legit tantra class to learn more, or get in the lotus sex position and work on your breathwork and mindfulness to stay present and engaged.
6. Try eye gazing.
The eyes are the windows to the soul, after all, and looking into each other’s eyes during sex is an easy (but effective!) way to connect. For the best gazing, Wright suggests standard missionary sex since you’re literally face-to-face, while Morgan adds that the cowgirl position is fantastic for adding in synchronized breathing. Just don’t forget that blinking is encouraged. You’re having sex, not trying to win a staring competition.
7. Set the stage.
While casual quickies can happen almost anywhere, intimate sex sometimes takes a little more pre-work. Your surroundings can really influence how you feel, so take the time to clean up your space, light a few candles, and eliminate distractions. It’s hard to bond when you’re staring at a pile of laundry or trying to tune out a buzzing phone.
8. Let yourself feel your emotions.
Now’s not the time to hold back your feelings. “Intimacy requires honesty, openness, and willingness to trust self,” explains Morgan. “Choosing to engage in intimate sex will bring up a lot of emotions, so be prepared to face them when the chemical cocktail has settled after orgasms.” Instead of trying to hide or mask how you feel, work on being vulnerable together and surrender fully to the moment.
9. Be intentional.
This isn’t the time to randomly squeeze a boob or suck on a finger just because it seems sexy. Instead, you want to be intentional about how, where, and why you touch. Remember to honor your partner's desires (the ones you already talked about!), and check in often. Morgan adds that a spooning sex position where there’s lots of skin-to-skin contact is ideal for syncing your movements and igniting the senses without having to get too grabby.
10. Masturbate.
Intimate sex doesn’t necessarily have to include a partner(s)—you can also experience it by having solo sex. Instead of rushing straight to orgasm, take your time stroking your body, practicing edging, or even watching yourself as you masturbate. If you do want to incorporate a partner, Wright says mutual masturbation can be an extremely intimate trust activity, plus it’s a good way to learn first-hand about how someone likes to be touched.
11. Take inspiration from elsewhere.
If you’re feeling stuck and can’t figure out what intimate sex looks like for you, don’t be afraid to bring in some visual aids. Take inspiration from your favorite sex scenes or an erotic novel. A good place to start is with the coital alignment technique (CAT), featured in Sex/Life, which is said to form the “ultimate connection.”
12. Use toys.
You don’t have to have an orgasm to have good sex, but if you picture your intimate session ending in orgasm, a sex toy might be what’s missing. Something like the Zumio i is a great option for people with clitorises since it provides targeted stimulation and is easy to fit between sweaty, grinding bodies.
13. Explore anal.
Since anal sex generally requires plenty of preparation, communication, and trust, Wright says it’s a wonderful way to increase the intimacy of your sexual experience. In fact, just like with intimate sex, in order to have good (and safe) anal, you need to go slow, discuss boundaries, and stay tuned into each other. Oh, and lube. You’ll also need lots and lots of lube.
14. Practice makes perfect.
As with any skill, having powerful, emotional, intimate sex might take a little time to master. That’s why Morgan suggests making it part of your regular sexual practice. Not only will you improve at it, which can lead to more connection and better bonding, but she says you’ll also open the heart chakra, leading to a healthier, happier, and more fulfilling existence in general.
