How can you talk to a partner about the way they behave after sex? Or if it upsets you, is it worth breaking up over? Cosmopolitan US advice columnist Logan answers one reader...
Q: There is only one thing that bothers me about my relationship. It's the thing my boyfriend does after he orgasms. He'll be on his phone instead, checking Instagram or Snapchat, it's just rude. I don't expect him to get all romantic after sex (and neither will I), but just a little small talk and maybe some cuddling would be fine. Should I be worried that he wants nothing to do with me after he orgasms? It takes a good 15-20 minutes until he goes back to normal. I get some guys just want to chill and do nothing after they orgasm. But it's not like that with him. I've tried talking about it but he says that that's the way he is. And the thing that bothers me the most is when he doesn't help me finish. It makes me believe that he's selfish. Is there any way I can change this? Or is breaking up the only solution?
A: Is breaking up the only solution? Let me put it this way: There are approximately 1.9 billion things that can go right or wrong in any relationship. So you’ve got to decide which of those very many things are your personal deal-breakers, if any at all. So think this through: You say this is “the only thing that bothers me” about your relationship. So, how bad is it?
It sounds like he’s doing two things that are driving you to the brink: Zoning out after sex, and refusing to help you get off. These are related but different issues, and I think one is much worse than the other.
So let’s start with the zoning out: Yes, some guys just come and fall asleep or zone out. Others feel invigorated. Some even want to cuddle, despite stereotypes. Others say their heads start spinning and they need a minute. Depending on your own personal history, sex can also trigger all sorts of memories and associations; some people feel so exposed after the intimate act of sex that they pull back, like a turtle retreating to a shell, as a kind of defence mechanism. In earlier columns, I’ve also written about scientists struggling to understand why some people feel depressed and deflated after sex — with no good explanation. And while the science of orgasm isn’t clear, some experts believe that the biology of orgasms affects people differently.
So, what do you do? It sounds like he’s used the “just the way I am” excuse — so remind him that when he’s with you, he can’t just act like he’s alone. Being in a relationship means being aware of your partner when you’re lying next to them in bed. It matters that you’re there. He can check his phone all he wants when he’s alone, but when he does it next to you, he is disrespecting you. Maybe a simple “no phones in the bedroom” rule is a good idea. (Frankly, it is for most people.)
But if zonking out after sex is the only problem you have, is it really worth torpedoing the relationship? I worry that breaking up over this one issue would be a like jumping out of an airplane just because you’re unhappy with the in-flight snack. It sounds like he snaps back into reality after 20 minutes or so — and, while that’s not great, it doesn’t sound like a relationship felony, either.
On the other hand, if he doesn’t care whether you come or not… come on, man! This is still a thing?
You’re right that it’s rude. You’re right that it’s selfish. And it’s just lame! This is 2017, not the 1950’s; he can’t just take his orgasm and go home. What kind of guy leaves you hanging like that? You’ve got to let him know that you feel it’s disrespectful and unsatisfying. Keep it simple, in language any man can understand: “How would you feel if I got off and I didn’t even try to help you come every time?”
Then I have some very simple advice: Compromise. If he zones out after he comes, fine. Let him have that. But also let him know that, going forward, you want him to do his very best to help you come first. Tell him it’s about respect: One of you is getting exactly what he wants but there are two people in bed. If he gets with the programme, tell him he’s welcome to Snapchat all he wants… after he makes you come. I bet you’ll feel a lot less irritated that he’s on his phone if he’s taken good care of you.
If he needs a bit of help (and it sounds like he does), I recommend you buy him Ian Kerner’s very practical book She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman. At the very least, I hope he takes that book’s title to heart.
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Logan Hill, a veteran of New York, Vulture, and GQ, has spent twenty years covering the arts for outlets including Elle, Esquire, Rolling Stone, The New York Times, This American Life, TimesTalks, Wired, and others. For more, visit loganhill.com.
