Despite living in a post-sexual revolution world, in which women’s sexual pleasure is big business, a lot of women are still having a lot of bad sex. This won’t come as a surprise to any women reading (hi!) — and especially those who sleep with men — who will be all too familiar with sex that doesn’t prioritise their pleasure, sex that doesn’t even consider it, and sex that’s much, much worse.
This is largely down to the fact that we (of all genders) still don’t know how to talk about sex — in education and policy, in media, and even in our personal relationships. That’s why so many of us lack vital knowledge and continue to harbour shame and stigma when it comes to sexual expression and the prioritisation of our own pleasure. In fact, in our 2024 sex survey, in which we polled 2,000 Cosmo readers, 19% of you said you were dissatisfied with your sex lives, and 33% said talking more honestly about sex would improve things. After all, if we can’t talk about good sex, how do we expect to have it?
Yet attempts to destigmatise these conversations often fall on deaf ears — or, worse, are deliberately undermined. For example, last week, Labour MP Samantha Niblett and MakeLoveNotPorn founder Cindy Gallop launched a campaign (titled, ‘Yes Sex Please, We’re British’, a play on the 1973 film, No Sex Please, We’re British) calling for inclusive, lifelong sex education; to encourage open, honest, and healthy conversations about sex; and to eradicate shame, embarrassment, and guilt. Sounds good, right?
Well, the reaction was, shall we say, lukewarm. Responding only to Niblett and Gallop’s desire to “talk about sex all summer” and hold an exhibition of sex toys in parliament, as per The Times, cross-party MPs mocked the campaign and criticised it for distracting from more serious issues like defence. But with young people having less sex than ever, STI rates rising, and the number of reported sexual offences in the UK increasing by 11% between 2024 and 2025 alone, I’d say talking about sex is indeed a serious — and urgent — issue. Especially as censorship is tightening its grip online, curbing sexual expression and banning sex educators and sex positive creators, therefore silencing vital voices and discussions.
Here at Cosmo we support Niblett and Gallop’s campaign — and we, too, want everyone to not only talk and learn about sex, but to have more of it. Importantly, to have more of the kind of sex that you actually want. To do that, it’s useful to first figure out what kind of sex you don’t want. So we asked women what their partners have been doing wrong in the bedroom and how they communicated with them to fix it. We also called on some of our trusty sexperts to explain why a couple might not be connecting sexually, and how they can talk about it in a healthy way. Your improved sex life awaits!
The turn-off checklist
29-year-old Sasha* has a checklist of all the things her sexual partners tend to do wrong. First on her list: if they clearly don’t understand how women’s pleasure works. “This would be fine if they at least made an effort to learn what I like and then had the patience to follow it through,” she says. “Some men feign interest but don’t live up to it in practice. If it takes longer than five to 10 minutes to get me off, I’ve found that most men just give up or make me feel like it’s a chore. As a bisexual, I’ve never had this issue with women.”
Next up: if they don’t prioritise clitoral stimulation. “Either they stimulate the clit initially during intercourse and then just stop and carry on without it — I’m like, okay? Now what? — or if I’m [stimulating it myself], they’ll often insist on positions where it’s not easy for me to have my fingers there,” continues Sasha.
And: if they change tempo too much. “I need a good steady rhythm to finish, but often [mens’] version of staying at the same pace is doing it for a minute at a time. Dude, choose one tempo and stick to it!”
Finally: if they’re rubbish at foreplay — and not just physical foreplay, but the stuff that starts outside of the bedroom. “I can’t just switch gears immediately: going from nothing to getting fondled doesn’t work. Foreplay can happen throughout the day: being flirty and playful, feeling sexy, [non-sexual] intimate touch. Sex should only start or be initiated when both parties are in the mood.”
Sasha says that overall a lot of her bad sex stems from men not thinking about her pleasure consistently. “They might give some effort for a few minutes here and there, but even after showing and telling them what would be good for me, they just forget about it,” she explains. “It’s like they toss me a bone during intercourse and call it a day.”
Unsurprisingly, this is the biggest complaint among all the women I spoke to. One said the main thing she wants is a generous partner, but that men often “perform selfishly, like a porno, instead of caring about my pleasure”. This is another reason why Niblett and Gallop’s campaign is important: to stop young people learning about sex from porn.
While Grace*, 22, says: “There’s a gap between what men think they can deliver versus what they can actually deliver in bed”. She continues: “Women’s bodies are complex, and most men haven’t taken the time to [learn about them].”
In our survey where we asked what good sex means to you, pleasure came out on top, with 91% of you saying just feeling pleasure is enough for it to be good sex. And yet 20% of you said sex would be better if your partner focused more on your needs, desires, and pleasure, while 37% of you said you’re only receiving oral occasionally, rarely, or never. And when it comes to orgasms, 17% of you are occasionally or rarely having them, while 7% are never having them.
For 34-year-old Fran*, when she has sex that doesn’t lead to an orgasm it’s often down to men assuming that her journey to climax is the same as theirs — i.e if you touch one place enough, in time an orgasm will come. “I’ve had to explain to my partner that I don’t solely get turned on by having my clitoris rubbed or touched,” she says. “A lot of other erogenous zones come into play and it all counts and builds towards an orgasm. I’ve also told him that the clitoris isn’t just one area — that only one part is outside of the body, while the rest swells back into the vagina and around the labia — so he shouldn’t neglect touching me [all over].”
Fran’s valiant effort to educate her partner (who she hasn’t been dating for long) again highlights the need for comprehensive sex education both in school and into adulthood. But it also shows the benefit of having an open line of communication with your partner. “A lot of people assume that what they’ve learned in previous sexual relationships can be transferred or applied 100% to a different partner,” she says. “That’s not the case! You may be more familiar with anatomy but you’ll still need to figure out how each partner likes to be touched and sexed up.”
That’s where talking comes in. Fran says she’s told her fledgling partner a lot about what she likes, why she likes it, and how to give it to her — and that it’s helping them have a better sex life. “We do mini debriefs after sex,” she explains. “He’s very shy and would never initiate it, but I really want to continue having good sex. So far, it’s led to at least some form of improvement each time!”
Sexual disconnection
Therein lies one of the main reasons couples aren’t connecting in the bedroom: they’re not talking openly about their sexual needs and wants, nor about the sex they’re actually having and how to improve it. But, observes sex and relationships coach Lucy Rowett, this kind of disconnection is usually about much more than just the sex itself. “It could be down to stress hitting one or both of your libidos; it could be because one or both of you is going through a big life transition; or it could be that you’re going through a period of conflict and a general breakdown in communication,” she explains. “What happens in bed is usually a reflection of what’s happening in the rest of your relationship, too.”
Rowett says one thing that isn’t talked about enough is if one partner has spent the relationship people-pleasing in bed and just doing what their partner likes until resentment and disconnection builds over time. This is especially common among women, most of whom “are not having the sex they actually want in long-term relationships”, says psychosexual therapist Lottie Passell-Syms. She adds: “They are having the sex that happens; that fits around life; that always feels familiar; that doesn’t take too long. Over time, the gap between what’s happening and what’s wanted quietly grows.”
When this happens, Passell-Syms continues, communication needs to be loud and clear. “However, it rarely is,” she reveals. “Communicating about this subject can feel uncomfortable or it can be taken as criticism, so [women may avoid it because they] don’t want to hurt their partners’ feelings. Also, many women have tried before and still nothing changes.”
A solution
So, what can couples who’ve reached this point do? Surprise! They should talk about it. If that sounds impossible to you, don’t worry, you’re not alone. As mentioned, there are loads of reasons why these conversations are hard — so, suggests Rowett, don’t think of it as one big scary conversation, but rather as lots of little ones, like Fran and her partners’ regular debriefs, that make it easier to talk about over time.
Although, if you’re broaching the topic for the first time or if you’re anxious about the conversation, Rowett advises doing it away from a sexy setting. “If you know it’s going to be a touchy subject, a good trick is to start the conversation when you’re not looking at each other, like on a walk,” she says, “as it can feel less intimidating and pressured.”
Rowett says it’s important to remember that this is about what will bring you even closer and make sex better for you both; it’s not about criticism or keeping score of who made more effort or who came and who didn’t. “Think about what would genuinely feel good and satisfying for both of you, while also being realistic about your current capacity,” she notes. “This is a team effort. Both of you need to be genuinely on board [to improve your sex life]; it can’t just be one person making all the effort.”
As well as talking about sex and being better at communicating in general, Passell-Syms emphasises that couples who turn their sex lives around start outside the bedroom, with kindness and consideration. “The main ingredient to having a successful relationship is to stay curious about each other,” she says. “Good sex in long-term relationships is not about getting it right every time; it’s about staying connected enough to keep finding your way back to each other.”
For what it’s worth, keeping a checklist of what she doesn’t want has helped Sasha in her current relationship. “He’s probably the best I’ve ever had,” she says. “He’s receptive to my pleasure throughout and I’m receptive to his. It actually feels like a team effort and I feel far more connected [than with anyone else before]. He keeps everything I’ve told him in mind, and I keep what makes him feel good in mind.”
Basically, Fran concludes, he’s interested in her pleasure — and she’s interested in his. And, ultimately, isn’t that what sex is all about?
*Names have been changed
