How often have you been in bed with a man and wondered: What’s he thinking about? Despite existing in a culture that’s saturated with conversations about sex — from viral debates on ‘vanilla’ bedroom antics to crackdowns on pornography — many women say they still have no real idea what their partner is actually fantasising about when the lights go out.
“Men are less likely to open up about fantasies for the same reasons anyone else would be: fear, judgment, embarrassment,” explains Scotty Unfamous, a sex educator and award-winning erotic romance author. “What is more specific to men, particularly heterosexual men, is the fear of being seen as less masculine,” she adds. “They may be afraid of their desires making them too vulnerable and changing their status outside of the bedroom.”
But open and honest communication — especially when it comes to sex — is arguably the most important factor when it comes to connecting with a partner, whether that’s a one-night stand, a man you just met on Hinge, or your husband of 10 years. With that in mind, here’s everything you need to know about men’s sexual fantasies, including how to try them. Plus, 26 men share their own sexual fantasies — and, spoiler alert: threesomes are very popular!
How do you get a partner to open up about their sexual fantasies?
“Speak about your own desires to create common ground,” Scotty says of the first step in getting a man to share his sexual desires. “Try to refrain from judgment,” she adds, going on to explain that asking for a “breakdown of the actual turn-on” of a fantasy can “make it seem less daunting to both parties and may even help your male partner gain a better understanding of their own desires”.
How can you start exploring a partner’s sexual fantasy?
“Have an open conversation, where both of you share things,” Scotty says. “Find out how the fantasy can be explored, and if you are comfortable, choose an aspect to explore together.”
“Plan to do this in advance, as it may not feel natural just to step into, and if you both know what’s on the agenda, it can relieve some of the pressure,” she explains of how to actually begin. “Communicate with each other throughout to see where you’re both at, and when it’s over, have a conversation about what was good, what was not for you, and what you might be open to exploring further next time.”
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How to react if you’re not into your partner’s sexual fantasy
“It’s okay to let them know [their sexual fantasy] is not for you, but try not to be judgmental or disrespectful about it,” notes Scotty. “It’s a vulnerable topic that can be awkward to open up about for some people, and [your reaction] may make them feel less safe or comfortable with you.”
Scotty says most fantasies can be enjoyed if both parties are consenting. That means everyone is giving enthusiastic consent and not being coerced into doing something they are uncomfortable with. “As long as fantasies are practised consensually and with proper safety measures in place, good communication, and aftercare, it’s okay,” she explains. That being said, “there are fantasies that can be quite taboo or potentially unsafe”, so approaching things with the right care and attention before trying something new is vital.
26 men on their hottest sexual fantasies
1. “To have me and my wife have sex with another woman.” — Isaac*, 34
2. “One girl riding me with another sitting on my face.” — via Reddit
3. “I want to give someone an orgasm so amazing that they start speaking another language. Like, I just want to give someone so much pleasure, their mind just forgets what language both of us speak temporarily.” — via Reddit
4. “Cock worship by a woman who really knows her way around a dick. To have my woman edge the fuck out of my dick for over an hour and let my head and shaft touch and trace her lips and face. Knowing that she can’t get enough of my dick would have me leaking the entire time until I cum.” — via Reddit
5. “Waking up to a blow job/hand job.” — via Reddit
6. “I want to be the one tied down to the bed, blindfolded, and worshipped.” — via Reddit
7. “A threesome or more with women.” — Max*, 39
8. “I like watching women masturbate. There’s something about it that has always been so sexy. Seeing a woman masturbate feels like I’m watching her enjoy sexual desire as much as me.” — via Reddit
9. “Watching her fuck another woman with a strap-on.” — via Reddit
10. “Having sex with a squirter. Just watching the liquid juices pop out would be something amazing.” — via Reddit
11. “69 to completion for both of us.” — via Reddit
12. “Being blindfolded and tied to a chair naked during sex. She can do whatever she wants to me to get things started and then gradually remove some restraints… My hands first, so I can glide my hands on her body and then later the blindfold. I’m a sensual guy, so I get off on touch, smell, and taste, and not being able to tell what’s coming would be incredible.” — via Reddit
13. “Banging in one of those ultra-fancy first class suites that a few airlines have.” — via Reddit
14. “I find the idea of my girlfriend wearing a butt plug or a bullet vibrator to work incredibly hot.” — via Reddit
15. “Shaving my SO’s genitals.” — via Reddit
16. “A remote-controlled vibrator attached to her clit. Small enough to go unnoticed. We’d go on a dinner date. All those people around wouldn’t suspect a thing. But I’d never let her cum. Not unless she begged me.” — via Reddit
17. “I want people to watch me fuck my girlfriend. And I want the people watching to start fucking.” — via Reddit
18. “She pees on me.” — via Reddit
19. “Being unexpectedly taken from behind by a strong woman with a strap-on/vibrator/prostate massager.” — via Reddit
20. “Vag-to-mouth and back, over and over. A few thrusts in her, let her suck off her vagina juice, then back in for more. The idea of a woman tasting her own juices is so damn hot to me, especially sucking them off my dick.” — via Reddit
21. “I have a thing about doing a girl in all three holes in one night.” — via Reddit
22. “I have this fantasy where, if I’m sick with the flu or something, my girlfriend surprises me by buying a sexy nurse outfit and just taking care of me. Feeding me, giving me medicine, just doting on me while in that sexy outfit.” — via Reddit
23. “Sex outdoors where we might get caught.” — via Reddit
24. “Pissing on each other while we have sex. Don't ask me why.” — via Reddit
25. “I’m clothed and she’s nude as I tease her almost to orgasm, while her hands are handcuffed with a silky blindfold. During this, I’m narrating sexual scenes that will help her to get close to the edge, yet I command that she will not come until I tell her. After half an hour has passed, I take a feather in one hand and a piece of ice in the other and gently trace them on both sides of her body while watching her body twitch from the excitement I give her.” — via Reddit
26. “Threesome with her and my ex.” — via Reddit
