What is unrequited love, why is it so painful, and how can you get over it?

Oh, unrequited love: it’s the topic of many a tragic love song, sad movie, and, now, the most recent podcast episode of Are We Into This? with Cosmopolitan, hosted by Millie Court and Clare Stephenson — and given that so many people experience this crushing situation, is it any wonder why? Loving someone who doesn’t love you back can hurt just as much as (or sometimes even more than) a break-up, but it’s often the less talked about form of heartbreak.

It can also really wreak havoc in a friendship, as discussed on our new sex and relationships podcast.

So, what is unrequited love, why is it so painful, and how can you deal with it? We asked experts for their advice.

Unrequited love is basically when you love someone who doesn’t feel the same way in return. This can mean feeling deep affection for someone you’re not in a relationship with, who you’d like to become romantically involved with. It can also happen in a relationship that is already established, but which has become one-sided.

Other forms of unrequited love can include falling for someone who is emotionally unavailable, pining for an ex, or being in a ‘relationship’ with someone who won’t formally commit to you (a situationship, if you will), explains Kendra Senn-Allen, founder ofBreak-Up Bestie, and who runs courses helping people deal to with break-ups and heartbreak.

You might also have unrequited love for someone completely unattainable, like a lecturer at uni, a work colleague who already has a partner, or even someone famous, says Relate counsellor Holly Roberts — and the fact that they’re out of reach can actually intensify your feelings of love for them, she explains.

It can also crop up and throw a spanner in the works in friendships, says Kate Mansfield, a dating and relationship coach.

It might mean that the reality of their interactions with you are different to an idealised version of them you already have in your head, says Roberts. “It’s possible to romanticise and project wonderful qualities onto someone when you’re not living the daily mundane routine with them.” Instead, she suggests taking a step back to see the situation more clearly: “Try to take a realistic view and notice whether the object of your desire is expressing the same level of love that you are for them.”

Similarly, if you’re in a relationship, you might notice signs that your love for your partner is becoming one-sided, particularly if they start to distance themselves from you.

When you love someone who doesn’t feel the same way, it can be confusing to understand why, particularly if you’ve expressed your affection — which can make things even more frustrating.

“If we have such strong feelings for someone else, it may be hard to understand why they don’t feel the same way about us,” explains Roberts. “We’re too immersed in our own feelings to get some distance to properly empathise with how the other person is feeling.”

Unrequited love can also lead to feelings of rejection, which can make you doubt yourself and think you’ve done something wrong (even though that’s not the case).

Senn-Allen says this can really take a toll on your self-esteem. “People will often blame themselves for why they’re not getting reciprocated love,” she explains. “I often hear things like, ‘I’m not good enough, if only I was prettier or smarter they would be able to commit or show me love’,” she adds, noting that this can also create a lot of anxiety.

When it comes to why unrequited love is so painful, it’s actually because it’s pretty similar to grief. “We are chasing after something we’re never able to reach, so we have feelings of loss which are the same as grief,” explains Roberts. “It hurts to mourn the loss of someone, whether it was a romantic relationship that never even started, or reaching the end of the road with a long term partner.” So, it’s totally okay to feel heartbroken over a relationship that never happened and take time to process it.

Thankfully, the experts believe it can — although it won’t happen overnight and sadly there are never any guarantees. “You can’t friendship your way out of unexpressed grief, rejection, and disappointment. It doesn’t work, and it’s exhausting for everyone,” says Mansfield. “But if both people genuinely value it and are honest with themselves, something real can be rebuilt. Sometimes it’s even stronger because it’s finally built on honesty rather than hope.”

She advises taking space to begin with and letting your friend know the score in a non-dramatic way. “Tell them, ‘I need a bit of time, and then I’d love to try and find our way back’,” says Mansfield. “Simple, kind, doable.” Then, accept that going no-contact for a while might be necessary, as you focus on healing, and that the friendship might look a bit different going forward.

“Something honest and sustainable beats something that looks the same on the surface but has landmines underneath,” she adds.

Sex and relationship educator and coach Amari agrees. “If the person who had romantic feelings is still secretly hoping for a relationship or still strongly attracted to the other person, the friendship can become difficult to maintain because there is an imbalance in expectations and emotions. For a friendship to work long-term, both people need to be on the same page.”

If you want to hear more on this specific type of unrequited love, watch the new episode of Are We Into This? with Cosmopolitan below, or listen wherever you get your podcasts.

Just like getting over a break-up, it’s possible to get over unrequited love too. Our experts recommend trying the following.

1. Reflect on the situation objectively

When you’re wrapped up in how you feel about someone, it can be hard to see things from their point of view. But looking at things from a more objective perspective can be helpful, says Roberts. “This will allow you to be kind to yourself, knowing that there are other factors influencing what’s going on; them not loving you is not just because you’re a terrible person.”

2. Take off the rose-tinted glasses

If you’re loving someone from afar, you’ve probably created an idealised version of them — but it can help to try to see them for who they really are, says Roberts.

“Doing this will help you see their flaws and work towards knowing that they aren’t the best person for you,” she explains.

3. Be honest with yourself

When you’re hoping someone will love you back, it can be hard to admit that your love is unrequited. But, “determining that there is a problem and how it’s affecting you is a great first step”, says Senn-Allen.

“I always recommend that clients get really honest with themselves through journaling; ask yourself how the relationship [or the situation] is going and how it makes you feel,” she explains.

“Unfortunately, we can’t change other people, so it’s usually unlikely that [someone] will go from being unavailable to available,” Senn-Allen adds — and it helps to be realistic about that, no matter how difficult it is.

4. Set boundaries

If you’re in a relationship or situationship where your love isn’t returned, Senn-Allen suggests setting boundaries about the kind of commitment you expect. “The key to that is, if they can’t meet your boundary, then you have to walk away,” she explains.

“Another exercise I have my clients do is write down what they picture in a long-term relationship,” Senn-Allen adds. “Once that’s written down and is compared to their current situation, it usually becomes clear that what they’re in isn’t working. The more clear you can be on what you want, the less likely you’ll stay in a relationship with unrequited love.”

5. Reflect on your internal beliefs

While it’s never your fault that somebody else is emotionally unavailable, Senn-Allen suggests that if you notice a pattern of experiencing unrequited love, it’s worth thinking about how that might link to your internal beliefs about yourself.

“For example, I had a client who kept going after emotionally unavailable men, and she had to realise it was because she didn’t think she was worthy of being committed to,” Senn-Allen explains. So, if you do think your self-beliefs are affecting your relationships, Senn-Allen says therapy is an option to help you work through them.

6. Learn from it!

At the end of the day, our experiences make us who we are. Roberts says learning from unrequited love will help you to know yourself better, and to have a better idea of the love and care you deserve — which can only be a good thing.

Find out more about Are We Into This? with Cosmopolitan here — and don’t forget to like and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts!

Emily Gulla

Former Editorial Assistant/Junior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer

Emily Gulla was Cosmopolitan UK’s Former Editorial Assistant/Junior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer, covering celebs, TV and film for the site, magazine and video. She’s interviewed the casts of your favourite TV shows, from Bridgerton to Derry Girls and Stranger Things, as well as dozens of Love Islanders. She also loves getting stuck into long-read features, writing on all things digital culture (including her favourite topic: memes), and dating - having appeared on the radio to discuss dating.

Emily's work has also been published on ELLE, Women's Health, Harper's Bazaar, Digital Spy and more. She holds a First Class degree in English with Film Studies from King's College London, and even wrote her dissertation on Love Island. You can find Emily on Instagram and LinkedIn, and can see more of her work on her website.