If you’ve been watching Love Island this year, you’ll have noticed a serious lack of effort, particularly from the boys. At the start of the season, they were rarely — in Love Island speak — pulling girls for chats or making any effort to graft them. This has, by and large, continued throughout, too, with the boys begging for kisses without so much as a conversation first (looking at you, Aidan), offering lacklustre apologies or not taking accountability when they’ve done something wrong, and never making any kind of grand romantic gesture. It seems the days of extravagant, ‘Will you be my girlfriend?’ proposals are long gone. Do the boys know they’re on Love Island, and not just having a lad’s holiday?

This kind of low-effort behaviour is, sadly, v familiar. So many of us are depressingly used to drawn-out replies, situationships that fizzle out, and lazy dates, where questions are few and far between (if asked at all). But why is this? What’s behind the epidemic of low-effort men? And, is it just men, or a symptom of modern dating in general? This question is at the heart of the first ever episode of our brand new sex and relationships podcast, Are We Into This? with Cosmopolitan, hosted by none other than Love Island legend Millie Court and Cosmo’s own Clare Stephenson.

Millie has firsthand experience of how the bar has changed when it comes to effort on Love Island, having won season seven in 2021 and been the runner-up of season three of Love Island: All Stars in January this year. Discussing the difference in effort between older and newer seasons of the show on Are We Into This?, Millie says: “On All Stars, the big gesture is, ‘Should we be exclusive?’ Where has all the old-fashioned chivalry gone?”

For what it’s worth, this lack of effort is not wholly a gendered thing. “There is probably some truth to the idea that people are putting less effort into dating than they did in the past,” says Amari, a sex and relationship educator and coach. “Dating apps have created an environment where people often feel there is always another option around the corner, which can make it easier to disengage rather than invest time and energy into getting to know someone properly.”

Amari also thinks that beyond being burned out by dating apps, “many are dealing with financial pressures, rising living costs, demanding jobs, mental health challenges, and general uncertainty about the future… they may not have the emotional energy to invest as much effort as previous generations did”. When it’s hard to muster up the energy for, well, anything these days, it can be especially difficult to do so for a first date with someone you’re most likely never going to see again. And yet, with no effort comes no reward — nobody’s going to have any fun in dating if we’re all approaching it with a ‘why bother’ attitude.

When it comes to men specifically, part of it could be that women are more likely to notice a lack of effort being put in by men because, as Amari puts it, “traditional dating expectations still often place the responsibility for initiating, planning, and pursuing on men”. On Love Island, for example, it’s become routine for the boys to make the girl they’re coupled up with a coffee in the morning — and it’s noticed (and can even be a point of contention) if it doesn’t happen.

Everyone's clicking on...

Millie and Clare touch on this in the podcast, questioning if these traditional expectations are doing us more harm than good. “We talk about it from a men’s perspective, but the other party in the relationship has to be putting in effort too,” Clare says. “It’s a two-way street.”

Still, when we polled Cosmo readers, a whopping 84% of you said the men you date don’t make enough effort with you — whether that’s not messaging, never initiating or planning dates, or not being particularly good company on the date (arriving late, never asking questions, the list goes on).

Over the years, it feels like women have become more assured in what they want from a potential partner — but they’re finding that the men they date aren’t living up to that. “The women I work with aren’t looking for someone to complete them,” says dating and relationship coach Kate Mansfield. “They’re looking for someone who actually shows up. That’s not a high bar; it just feels high next to what’s currently on offer.”

Women are looking for someone who actually shows up. That’s not a high bar

She continues: “There’s also a weird cultural gaslighting happening where a woman who expects consistent effort gets called high-maintenance. She isn’t; she’s just awake.”

Mansfield is keen not to demonise men too much, though. “I’m seeing a huge increase in men investing in themselves, understanding their patterns, and wanting real connection,” she says. “They want love just as much as women do. One of the things I hear a lot is that they feel objectified in a different way: not seen as a full human with feelings, needs, and real emotional wounds, but auditioned as a potential husband and father. That quietly kills the kind of vulnerability that real effort actually requires.”

Many women feel this way, too — afraid to be vulnerable for fear of being misunderstood, disappointed, disrespected, or embarrassed (and when you look at Love Island, these fears are often justified). As Mansfield observed, this surely has a knock-on effect for all of us on our willingness to put time and effort into fledgling love interests for fear of the same consequences.

So, there is a lack of effort in dating today, but it’s, unsurprisingly, more nuanced than men v women. Whatever gender you’re dating, then, what should you do if you feel they’re not putting enough effort in?

“The first step is communication,” says Amari. “Sometimes people genuinely don’t realise how they’re coming across. What feels like a lack of effort to one person might simply be a different communication style or a busy period in someone’s life. Having an honest conversation can clear up misunderstandings and give the other person an opportunity to step up.”

At the same time, she continues, it’s important not to waste your time indefinitely. “If you’ve communicated your needs clearly and the effort still isn’t there, it’s worth asking whether you’re trying to force something that isn’t naturally working,” advises Amari. “If someone truly wants to be with you, their actions should generally reflect that.”

Amen to that! If you want more on the topic of low-effort dating, make sure you listen to this week’s episode of Are We Into This? with Cosmopolitan — and then come back every Wednesday, as we bring you right into our group chat with a weekly dose of girl talk on the weird, wonderful, and, yep, sometimes bleak things happening in the world of romance today.

You can watch above or listen wherever you get your podcasts — and don’t forget to like and subscribe to Are We Into This? with Cosmopolitan!

Lettermark
Brit Dawson
Sex & Relationships Editor
Brit Dawson is Cosmopolitan UK's Sex & Relationships Editor. Her work mostly delves into sexual subcultures, sex work, women's rights, and sex and relationships, exploring how each intersects with technology, politics, and culture. Formerly a staff writer at Dazed and MEL Magazine, she's written for British GQ, The Face, Slate, and more. She's also interested in drugs, youth and pop culture, and books — so all the good stuff. Find Brit on Instagram, X, and LinkedIn.