Scroll your FYP for long enough, and you’re bound to eventually end up on RelationshipAdviceTok. Here, you’ll find all kinds of wisdom — some helpful, some questionable, most completely unsubstantiated. Within this hellscape of advice, there seems to be one dating sin that trumps all others: settling in a relationship.

‘POV: You refused to settle,’ people declare, as they share videos of their partners carrying their bags, travelling across town to bring them late-night snacks, or decorating hotel rooms with rose petals. ‘Keep your standards high and don’t settle for less,’ they say. ‘Life is too short to settle for the bare minimum.’ Add to that the picture-perfect romances we see in romcoms and shows like The Summer I Turned Pretty and My Life with the Walter Boys, and it feels like these days, we’re constantly being told to know our worth, raise our standards, and hold out for ‘the one’.

Ofc this isn’t a new mantra, but it has taken on a new life in an age of social media that prioritises ‘perfection’ above all else, as well as in an era of dating defined by rules, requirements, and an all-or-nothing mindset (which, TBF, is a way of trying to reclaim control amid a swipe culture that encourages us to treat each other like shit).

But, while ‘don’t settle’ advice can protect us from bad behaviour, unsatisfactory relationships, and, ultimately, unhappiness, it can also leave little room for healthy compromise or the natural human imperfections that we all have. We wouldn’t want our partners to expect us to be flawless and perfect, so how can we expect the same of them?

This is the topic at the heart of the latest episode of our brand new podcast, Are We Into This? with Cosmopolitan, where every week we unpack one question about sex, dating, and relationships today. In episode four, which dropped yesterday, our hosts, Love Island legend Millie Court and Cosmo’s own Clare Stephenson, have a special guest star asking the question: our August digital cover star Olivia Attwood! And she wants to know: Is ‘don’t settle’ just a toxic ideal, or should I hold out for perfection?

As well as questioning whether perfection can ever really exist (spoiler: it can’t), Millie and Clare reflect on what it actually means to ‘settle’. Millie’s definition? “It’s settling for less than you want or deserve,” she says, adding: “But waiting for perfection is not realistic. What is it that you’re actually looking for? What does ‘perfection’ for you even mean? Sometimes you might think you know what you want, and then you find someone that you’re like, ‘I didn’t realise I wanted that until I met you’. You learn new things as you go along. You also change as a person as you grow.”

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This kind of nuance tends to be lacking on social media, where ‘not settling’ is typically viewed either through the lens of archaic gender roles — women, these videos suggest, shouldn’t settle for men who don’t make grand romantic gestures or go in for traditional displays of chivalry (e.g. the bag carrying) — or through rigid requirements (height, income, living situation) in dating that curb relationships before they’ve even begun.

“[When you combine] aesthetic TikToks where influencers showcase their relationships, our culture’s fixation on hacking and maximising our health and life, and the swipe right culture where the next best thing could be just a click away, it makes total sense that people would want to have a relationship that feels like it ticks every single box and if it doesn’t, you’ve failed,” says sex and relationship coach Lucy Rowett.

‘Don’t settle’ speaks to a generation who want to be intentional about their romantic relationships

And yet, she notes, the mantra isn’t a bad thing in itself because “it speaks to a generation of people who want to be intentional about their romantic relationships and not just follow the same old path that our parents did”.

In reality, settling looks like dating someone you know you’re not compatible with — or, worse, who treats you kinda shittily — just because it’s comfortable, easy, or because you don’t want to be single. And, ofc, nobody wants that, especially if that’s the example you grew up with. “Millennials and Gen Z are known to be the therapy generations where we want to not repeat toxic patterns from our families and generally work on ourselves,” continues Rowett, “so of course the idea of not ‘settling’ would be popular.”

Plus, there are loads of genuine reasons why someone might feel like they’ve settled in a relationship. “It could be that you realise you have nothing in common, that your conversations are just superficial and have no depth, that your relationship is only about sex and has nothing else to it, or conversely that you feel more like friends than lovers because the sex is boring and your partner has no interest in changing it,” says Rowett. “It could also be where you’ve grown and changed a lot since you first got together, but your partner hasn’t, the gap between you is getting wider, and you’re constantly trying to bring them along but they have no desire to do so.”

This is something Millie and Clare acknowledge in episode four of Are We Into This?, with Millie saying: “There’s a fine line of not trying to find perfection and being open-minded but also realising if something isn’t right, don’t settle. If you’re not happy or something really [doesn’t] align with you, you should leave.”

But how can you tell the difference between ‘settling’ and regular compromise in healthy relationships, especially when you’re surrounded by seemingly ‘perfect’ relationships on social media?

Well, advises Rowett, first you need to figure out what your core needs and values are in a relationship, and then ask: are these needs being met? “Small things are easier to compromise over,” she says. “The big things like fidelity, attitudes about whether you want kids, some key political views, attitudes around money, and where you want to live, aren’t so easy.”

Once first sparks fade and you settle into a rhythm, social media can have you believe this is ‘settling’

How much of your relationship is compromise and how much is reciprocal? “If you’re spending most of the relationship compromising one way or another — meaning squashing down your own needs and wants — this is a problem,” Rowett adds.

But, she warns, some people can confuse a feeling of contentment and times of boredom or conflict in a relationship with settling. “In happy, healthy relationships, generally there will be times of boredom because there’s no drama there,” Rowett explains. “Once the first sparks have faded and you settle into a rhythm with each other, social media can have you believing this is ‘settling’ and if it’s real love it should feel passionate all the time. Or if you have times when you feel turned off by your partner, get frustrated at them, feel let down by them, feel disappointed in them, realise they are completely different to you, or you’ve both changed but are generally happy, for some people it can trigger worries about ‘settling’ when this is just a normal human relationship.”

We’re all going to do things that frustrate, anger, embarrass, bore, and even hurt our partners, which is kinda the whole point (how boring would it be otherwise?!) — that doesn’t mean that the relationship is wrong or that anyone is ‘settling’ for less than they deserve. This is especially true if what your partner is ‘doing wrong’ is simply not living up to unrealistic standards set by engagement-mining (and, ultimately, fake) content online.

Having said that, if you’re genuinely worried that you’re settling in your relationship, Rowett has some advice. She suggests asking yourself whether this is a new feeling, one that’s come up a lot in past relationships, or one that’s in response to something (e.g. idealistic relationship content). Then, think about the quality of the relationship: do you still fancy them and have fun together? Next, think about how much excitement and novelty is in your own life: are you meeting your own needs, or expecting your partner to meet all of them? Then ask: can whatever you’re feeling be changed, and are you willing to work on this with your partner?

Finally, she shares “a bit of non-popular advice”: “What if there was no right or wrong answer as to whether you’ve settled or not? Could you still be happy anyway? I really recommend that you try and do some of the inner work to try and help find some fulfillment with yourself. And then you can take a fresh look at your relationship and decide whether it’s worth it or not, or whether it maybe is draining the life out of you.”

You can watch Millie and Clare’s discussion about the topic above, or listen to episode four of Are We Into This? with Cosmopolitan wherever you get your podcasts. Don’t forget to like, subscribe, and review — and let us know what you think about the idea of ‘settling’ in relationships.

Lettermark
Brit Dawson
Sex & Relationships Editor
Brit Dawson is Cosmopolitan UK's Sex & Relationships Editor. Her work mostly delves into sexual subcultures, sex work, women's rights, and sex and relationships, exploring how each intersects with technology, politics, and culture. Formerly a staff writer at Dazed and MEL Magazine, she's written for British GQ, The Face, Slate, and more. She's also interested in drugs, youth and pop culture, and books — so all the good stuff. Find Brit on Instagram, X, and LinkedIn.