We’ve all had bad sex. The kind you mentally file under ‘never again’, while praying it ends quickly. But there’s another kind of bad sex that goes way beyond just underwhelming. It’s sex with a narcissist. And the confusing part? At first, it can feel good.
I know this both personally and professionally. As someone who has experienced two narcissistic relationships, much of my work now as a counselling psychologist involves offering therapy to people who are with, or have left, a narcissist. I’m all too aware of just how painful and demeaning this type of relationship can feel, but sometimes the signs are there in the sexual connection you share.
So, whether you think you could be having sex with a narcissist already (and you want to make sure your needs are met), or you just want to be on guard for the future, here’s what sex with a narcissist really looks like. I’ll explain the signs to watch out for, and how to reclaim your power if you ever find yourself there.
The ‘love bomb’ hook
When you first sleep with a narcissist, it can feel electric. They’re often attentive, skilled, and laser-focused on your pleasure. They’ll flatter you endlessly, focusing on complimenting specific parts of your body and trying to make you feel special.
This is the love bombing stage: part seduction, part performance. The aim is to hook you in, and so often it does. They need your admiration like oxygen, so they’ll put on the show of their life. And while you’re no fool if you’re taken in by it (it speaks to so many people’s body confidence issues), it should signal alarm bells.
Any intense focus on your boobs, bum, legs, or any other physical part of you is a warning sign in any new relationship. It suggests the person is viewing you as a collection of body parts designed for their pleasure, not as a human being.
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The missing connection
After the fireworks of that initial encounter, you’ll usually come away from it feeling oddly unsatisfied. That’s because a narcissist is incapable of making a genuine connection with you; there’s no real emotional intimacy. You’re not a partner to them, you’re a ‘love object’, there to meet their needs.
Georgina, a 31-year-old travel planner and blogger had a relationship with a narcissist that lasted several years. He was 11 years older than her, and far more sexually experienced than she felt at the time. She noticed this exact pattern: intensity, and then almost immediately, a sense of disconnection.
“The first time was amazing. He was totally focused on my orgasms, and I wanted more. But then, something felt distant,” she says.
The devaluation phase
Once a narcissist is confident that they’re in control and you’re emotionally attached, things can start to turn. The compliments become criticisms; hyper-focused appreciation of your body morphs into jagged comments about your unattractiveness. And the sexual advances run hot and cold, leaving you wondering what’s wrong.
“On the one hand he expected me to meet his sexual needs, whenever and however he wanted it,” says Georgina. “But on the other hand, he was constantly comparing me to his ex-partners. He even took Viagra when he was with me, boasting that he’d never had to use this with previous girlfriends.”
“I later found out that he had multiple partners all along and probably didn’t have enough sex drive left for me,” she adds.
There’s a logic to the tactic; it’s destabilising by design. They want you to work harder to win back the attention you’ve lost, which is the natural response.
The imbalance of pleasure
Unsurprisingly, sex for someone who’s narcissistic is all about them. They might drag out sex (known as ‘edging’), keeping their own pleasure going for as long as possible while ignoring the fact that you’re sore, bored, or simply not enjoying it. If you say so, they might brush it off. Or worse, carry on anyway.
You, meanwhile, might find yourself faking orgasms because it’s easier than dealing with their reaction. Over time, that can chip away at your self-esteem until you start believing your needs don’t matter. But when sex is consistently about their gratification and never about your pleasure or boundaries, it stops being intimacy.
The demands
Narcissists often expect sex when they want it, and how they want it. If you turn down their advances, they may take it as your rejection of them as a person or of their sexual performance. They can become overtly or passively upset, either sulking or raging.
There may be pressure to do things you don’t particularly enjoy, like watching pornography or performing certain sexual acts. But it seems easier to say yes, so you may find yourself giving in. Georgina knows this scenario well. “He wanted anal sex, but I’m not really into it. I still did it, but he tried to make out that I was abnormal, that everyone else enjoyed it. Now I look back and think, ‘Why did I let him?’.”
This is a very classic narcissistic response, suggesting there’s something wrong with you. You’re frigid, you’re a prude, you’re boring. They may even come up with veiled threats that imply they’ll have to look elsewhere, like, ‘I don’t think we’re sexually compatible’.
It’s important to know that this is coercive, controlling behaviour. The problem is, it’s done so subtly, it can be hard to realise it’s happening. Being in a sexual relationship with a narcissist isn’t always abusive, but it can easily escalate to become that way.
The way to reclaim power
Like any well-meaning friend would advise: end a relationship that isn’t doing you any good. As we’ve seen, narcissistic manipulation can be hard to spot. But if you find yourself feeling anxious a lot of the time, you’re always focused on trying to please and appease your partner, or you start to feel distant from who you really are, those are strong signs it’s not a healthy relationship to stay in, and you need to protect yourself.
For Georgina, the realisation she needed to break free came when the stress of the relationship started affecting her physically. “I was so anxious that I was vomiting first thing in the morning. His excuses for not seeing me were getting silly, so I started to question why I was still with him,” she says. “I started checking up on him, and my suspicions were confirmed when I found out that he was seeing two other women. That was it for me.”
If it feels impossible to end it, that’s very common. Narcissists are experts at getting you to be emotionally dependent on them. In this case, there are some smaller steps you can take to reclaim some power.
I like to say, ‘Stop doing the dance with them’. Push back, rebuild your boundaries, communicate clearly, and don’t do things that you don’t want to do. Remember: a narcissist won’t want you to leave, because that would mean you have taken control.
If you do decide to call things off, however painful the process, know that you will survive, move on, and be happy. “It wasn’t easy but I ended it,” Georgina explains. “He tried to suck me back in for a while, but in the end gave up. I’m in a really great relationship now; [my new partner is] kind and loving, and I’m so glad I moved on.”
Try to find supportive outlets to work through the emotional impact, either with friends or in therapy. And in future relationships, make it clear from the start what you want, what you don’t want, and prioritise your own sexual needs. Remind yourself that anyone who genuinely cares about you will want to do that for you, too.
If you're looking for support, you can visit the National Domestic Abuse Helpline via Refuge.
