When the person you're seeing or dating is just really crap at texting, does it mean they're not that into you? Cosmopolitan US advice columnist Logan answers one reader...
Q: "I recently matched with a guy on Bumble and so far, I feel like we have really hit it off. We have great conversations together, I feel like I am always laughing hysterically, and I like to think the sex is pretty good, too!
"The only downside is that he isn’t an awesome texter. I am used to pretty much talking to guys I am interested in almost daily, even if it’s just a 'hope your day went well' kind of text. We have some fun conversations via text, but they usually happen just once or twice a week, and he always stops responding to me. Since we only hang out once a week, I can't get a good read on him because of this.
"My issue is understanding if I should equate bad texting with lack of interest. We were both looking at his phone at one point and saw he got a new Bumble connection, which made me sad but I can't not expect it; it's only been five dates.
"We have hung out every weekend since meeting and had a great time in person, so I am hoping that means something. Online dating is hard, man. Am I overthinking?"
A: Apologies if you’ve heard me say this before—but, nine times out of ten, overthinking is just another word for under-talking.
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There are a million things in the world to worry about, and mind-reading is never the solution. The easiest way to get what you want—whether that’s a relationship boundary or the starter at a restaurant—is to ask for you what you want.
Your issue isn’t just about whether he texts enthusiastically or not. It’s about communication in general. Step back from the phone and ask yourself the big-picture question: What do you want? I think you don’t just want him to text more; you want to define this relationship—or at least get a better sense of where you stand with this guy. But you’re afraid to talk to him about it directly, probably because you’re afraid he might not be on the same page. I get it. It’s awkward to put your true feelings out there. But it’s been five dates and you don’t know where you stand with this guy who you’re dating and sleeping with, and who you seem to really like. The reason you don’t know how he feels isn’t just because he doesn’t text enough, though that may be true. More important, it’s because you haven’t asked him.
I’m not saying that texting doesn’t matter. Obviously it does. And though some guys just don’t love to text all day (and no, it doesn't necessarily mean they're not interested), a text history can also be really helpful when you’re trying to figure out where you stand. One benefit to digital communication is that you get to keep an accurate record of how you’ve actually texted or emailed. Sometimes, it’s deeply satisfying to see that record. Other times, a paltry collection of disappointing texts can be an index for how little you’ve actually connected.
Texting aside, the bottom-line here is the same for anyone who isn’t communicating. Never assume the best—because hope is always going to cloud your judgment. Assume he’s dating multiple people until he confirms otherwise. If you want to know for sure, ask him. Tell him what you want, what you will tolerate, and what you deserve. I’m not saying you have to lay down absolute ultimatums, but you should at least know the deal because it’s impossible to tell if it’s a good deal for you if you don’t know the terms. If you think it wouldn’t be cool for him to date someone else while dating you, tell him.
Logan Hill, a veteran of New York, Vulture, and GQ, has spent twenty years covering the arts for outlets including Elle, Esquire, Rolling Stone, The New York Times, This American Life, TimesTalks, Wired, and others. For more, visit loganhill.com.
