What are you supposed to do when you're an introvert who feels uncomfortable with PDA and your boyfriend loves it? Cosmopolitan US advice columnist Logan answers one reader...
Q: My boyfriend really enjoys PDA, meanwhile I, the queen of the introverts, hate it and the attention I feel it draws on our small college campus. Most of the time it happens when we’re walking to different classes together. He tries to kiss me before we leave, and I dodge him, leaving him pretty hurt and me feeling guilty.
It seems like such a small problem, but every time this happens he tells me how hurt he feels by it and how that affection is really important to him. He also says he finds it immature of me to have that type of reaction. Normally, we are rather good at conflict resolution, but when it comes to this we are not.
I feel bad not being willing to give a little for him, but it always ends up making me feel super uncomfortable and self-conscious. I love him, and I know he loves me, and it is an unsettling feeling having such a small issue put a wedge in our relationship.
A: It sounds like you’ve got a very fair relationship, but sometimes, striving to find a half-way compromise when none exists can be exhausting. And there’s not a half-way solution to everything. So here’s a relationship rule-of-thumb: No trumps yes.
When one person wants to have sex and the other feels ill, you don’t compromise on a blow job. When one partner wants to have anal sex and the other doesn’t ever, you don’t just go half-way in. ”No” and “yes” aren’t equal, especially when it comes to anything physical. As a general rule, no trumps yes.
So explain this to him: Tell him that the fact that you don’t like PDA doesn’t have anything to do with your feelings about him. You love him, but you just don’t express that love in the same way, and he’s got to respect that. Tell him it’s just like any physical contact: your personal space is your personal space. Tell him that you know he’s coming from an affectionate, loving place, but it just doesn’t make you feel loved; it makes you feel like he’s ignoring your feelings and actually being inconsiderate.
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If there’s a little compromise that does make sense for you — a hand squeeze, a quick hug — then fine. But if not, be clear that you don’t like PDA and you’re not interested in compromise on this.
What he most needs to understand is that this pressure makes you feel uncomfortable, self-conscious, and upset. The dude can survive without getting hugs in this one particular situation. As for his hurt feelings, tell him you’ll make sure he gets all the cuddles, hugs, and caresses he needs at home.
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Logan Hill, a veteran of New York, Vulture, and GQ, has spent twenty years covering the arts for outlets including Elle, Esquire, Rolling Stone, The New York Times, This American Life, TimesTalks, Wired, and others. For more, visit loganhill.com.
