How close it too close when it comes to your siblings and should you care if someone thinks you're OTT? Cosmopolitan US advice columnist Logan answers one reader...
Q: My brother and I have always been close as siblings. Almost three years ago, he began dating a woman. She seemed to be nice enough, and she made my brother happy, so I didn't think much of it. About a year into their relationship, they visited my city and stayed over at my place.
When they arrived, I tried to make small talk with her, and she replied to all my questions with one-word answers. They stayed for a week and not once did his girlfriend make any effort to strike up a conversation, so I gave up. I found that disrespectful, like she didn't value my place in my brother's life.
Not too long ago, they visited and stayed over once again. I was up late at night making tea and when I passed by the guest room, I heard her on the phone with her friend talking about how she thought my relationship with my brother was completely inappropriate. She went on to call me disgusting and "out of bounds."
My brother and I are by no means romantic, and the fact that she thinks so is absolutely ridiculous. I understand that she may be jealous that I wanted to spend time with my brother, but that was the first time I'd seen him in seven months. I'm furious at her disrespect and have no idea how to approach the situation, especially considering I know my brother might be contemplating marriage.
Still, I'm horrified at the thought of him marrying a woman who believes what she does. Do I confront her directly or speak to my brother?
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A: It seems completely valid to be hurt and offended by your brother’s girlfriend. She was stand-offish and rude when you first met, and then she insulted you in your own house. Any guest who bad-mouths the host — much less their partner’s sibling — is demonstrating some trash manners.
That said, your brother cares a lot about her and she may be around for a while, so my first advice is to put aside this particular trash behaviour and try to see behind these hurtful insults and empathise a bit. I’m not saying anything excuses her behaviour, but if she’s going to be around for a while, you need to try to understand this woman and what she’s feeling.
The girlfriend is clearly threatened by your connection with your brother - and I do want to remind you that, in general, this sort of girlfriend-sister or boyfriend-brother dynamic isn’t all that unusual. Partners often get selfish and jealous and handle it badly. From the new boyfriend or girlfriend’s perspective, it can be hard to grapple with the fact that this person you suddenly love so much actually has other loving relationships with deeper roots.
Clearly, she has different ideas about physical affection and attention — and that’s not all that rare too. Some families are all about the group hugs and cuddles; other families sit on the couch like strangers on a plane.
Give this some thought before you act or confront her. Try to ask yourself why her rudeness bothers you so much. It sounds like you’ve done nothing wrong, but pay attention to that slightly jealous, protective (and maybe even slightly possessive) feeling you have about your brother and the importance of your relationship: I bet she’s feeling at least some of the same things and sharing some of the same needs (respect, mostly), though she’s certainly acting out on them in worse ways.
Going forward, you definitely want to be clear about your feelings. But be clear with your brother first. This girlfriend already has some offensive ideas in her head, and you don’t need to throw fuel on a fire. To get a little more intel on why she has been so difficult — and so insulting — talk to your brother first.
When you do, remember that you don’t really know this woman yet — and your brother adores her. He might just shut down if you call her names and say you hate her. Instead of attacking her whole character, talk about her specific behaviour and how it makes you feel. “Hey bro, I’ve been trying to connect with your lady, but it’s just not working. What do you think is going on? I heard her talking on the phone and saying some pretty insulting things about how close we are. Where’s that coming from?” Finally, you just want to ask him for his advice on how to proceed.
Remember: You don’t have to lie. You don’t have to say you want to be her best friend. You don’t. You just want to figure out what’s going on, and how to improve the situation.
Once you’ve got his advice, continue to take the high road and act like the normal, respectful, decent person you are. But the next time she acts up, reasonably stand your ground and ask her to explain herself: “I don’t know why you’re so frosty with me. I think we need to talk. What’s going on?”
If she wants to be a part of the family, she’ll need to get real like family.
Follow Logan on Twitter. From Cosmopolitan US.
Logan Hill, a veteran of New York, Vulture, and GQ, has spent twenty years covering the arts for outlets including Elle, Esquire, Rolling Stone, The New York Times, This American Life, TimesTalks, Wired, and others. For more, visit loganhill.com.
