When I moved in with my boyfriend during Covid lockdown (after just six months of dating! A government-enforced milestone!), for a while, I forgot that we were two separate people. Once, he went on a bike ride and when he still wasn’t back by the time I finished working, I was at such a loss for what to do that I simply… burst into tears (good times 🙂). And it took a long time to shake this feeling of codependence; in fact, settling into our current dynamic — an optimal balance, IMO, of togetherness and independence — has been a years-long journey since then.
My experience was, of course, heightened by the pandemic — there’s nothing like the threat of global annihilation to anxiously attach you to someone — but navigating this push-pull is a common challenge for people in both fledgling and established relationships.
The balance is different for every couple, and will likely fluctuate over the years, but it’s easy to often find yourself questioning: How much time together is too much? How important is spending time together with other people? And how can you tell if you’re happily independent or if you’ve started living parallel lives?
“It’s important to remember that your partner does not and cannot complete you,” says sex and relationships coach Lucy Rowett. “You were a whole person before getting into a relationship and you are still a whole person inside the relationship.”
While it’s normal to want to spend all your time with someone you love, especially at the beginning of a relationship, and to create your own little world together, Rowett warns that “if you stop following your interests, doing what keeps you well and happy, or maintaining friendships, you’re putting all of the onus on your partner to meet your needs — which will never work”. Plus, she notes, if you’ve tied your whole life up into your relationship, it will be way harder to heal if you do ultimately break up.
Like me, it took Ruby* and her husband, Theo*, who’ve been together for 20 years, a while to figure out their relationship equilibrium. “It’s nothing that’s officially been decided; we’ve just always valued our independence and let each other do our own things,” she says. “There was a period of time when I used to get pissed off if he didn’t come to parties with me — mostly down to people asking, ‘Where is he?’. I didn’t like the external pressure of people thinking that you have to do everything together just because you’re in a couple. But then I realised: what’s the point in having someone at a party with you when they don’t want to be there? I’d much rather we did things together that we both enjoy.”
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Ruby and Theo’s relationship has been pretty independent from the start — something, she says, has always been “one of the key tenets of [their] success”. The dynamic works so well for them that it was integral in their decision to not have children. They were long-distance at first, which may have helped build this independent foundation, and, although they share a lot of friends, they have separate mates too. “For us, it’s always been a case of: our lives and our time are individual to us, and if we want to pursue an experience or go and do something alone, it’s not expected that the other person will join us,” she explains. “We’ll go to festivals together, but if he’s not up for one, then I’ll still go with a friend. And vice versa.”
There have, admittedly, been times when Ruby has questioned whether they’re too independent. “We have had to ask each other, ‘Are we living independently, or are we living separately?’,” she recalls. “It’s an ongoing process and it relies on us being honest and able to say, ‘I’ve barely seen you and I feel a bit neglected’.”
Psychosexual therapist Lottie Passell-Syms says this is the key to a successful and healthy balance. “A healthy partnership works best when two people can regulate their own emotions, make choices independently, and still return to each other for support and connection,” she explains. “This is where interdependence matters most: it is not about living separate lives, but about being able to stand alone while still choosing togetherness.”
She continues: “Finding balance also depends on how couples respond to each other’s needs. Saying, ‘I need some space’ should be understood as a healthy expression of self-care, not automatically interpreted as rejection. But this is often where tension arises: one partner seeks space to regulate themselves, while the other experiences that distance as emotional threat. Couples need to learn how to tolerate separateness without panic, and how to reassure one another that space does not mean disconnection.”
This is something Tamuka, 23, and her partner Jamie, 26, have had to become pros at. Although the couple live together, there’s only one night during the working week that they’re both at home, with separate hobbies dominating the rest of the evenings. And they’re not alone in this; according to a recent survey, 24% of couples say they each have totally different hobbies, while 73% believe having different interests can lead to more diverse and enriching conversations in a relationship.
This rings true for Tamuka — and, she says, she wouldn’t have it any other way: “[Being independent] allows us to pour into ourselves and feel fulfilled outside the relationship, which enables us to show up for one another better. It also leaves room for us to miss each other.”
But how can you tell whether, like Tamuka and Jamie, your independence is enriching your relationship, or if you’re drifting apart? The latter has been dubbed ‘parallel life syndrome’ — when you and your partner are existing side-by-side, rather than living life together. Or, as Passell-Syms puts it, when emotional and practical separateness has replaced your shared life.
“One of the clearest signs of ‘parallel life syndrome’ is when couples no longer turn toward one another for comfort, support, or enjoyment,” she says. “The couple become totally perfunctory, managing work, children, routines, and responsibilities, but underneath, they may no longer be emotionally meeting each other. They stop checking in, stop sharing the small details of daily life, and begin operating more like housemates than partners.”
This kind of drift can happen gradually and quietly, with no obvious conflict. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that your relationship is over. If this sounds like you, Rowett recommends trying to reconnect by starting with things that feel fun. “Schedule an evening together with a movie or series you both love, plan a fun outing together, or make a delicious meal together,” she suggests. “Keep it light and focused on what makes you feel closer, rather than a heavy conversation about everything that’s wrong — that is, unless you know there’s something big you’ve been avoiding and you need to clear the air first. Think about times in the day or week that you can dedicate to ‘us time’ — and try to protect that time as sacred in your calendar. How can you be intentional about time together instead of running on autopilot?”
This is exactly how Tamuka and Jamie manage their busy schedules. They do always do something together, with friends, on a Friday night, and have allotted Sundays as their solo time. They also block out their calendars every other Saturday for an uninterrupted date night. “We often have to [proactively] make time to see each other or else we won’t,” says Tamuka. “Our date night rota had to be implemented, as we were finding it hard to naturally find time to be with each other.” Though, she admits, it is sometimes a challenge to be consistent with it amid other things cropping up, so they also have a two dates per month rule: “One inside the house and one outside, not sticking to a specific day or time; just allowing some fluidity, which keeps things fresh every time.”
My boyfriend and I — once arguably co-dependent but now with hectic schedules that rival Tamuka and Jamie’s — have fallen into a similar set-up: at the start of each week, we do a run-down of our plans and figure out where we can find time to have an evening cooking together, a quick pint, or a longer day of hanging out. If one week is too frantic, we’ll make sure to carve out space the following week.
But there’s even smaller ways of reaffirming togetherness, too. After long and social weeks when Tamuka and Jamie are feeling disconnected, they make sure to have “15 minutes of uninterrupted cuddle time every night to allow for those pockets of connection — that, and sending each other TikToks while lying side-by-side in bed”. Memes are, after all, our generation’s love language <3
*Names have been changed
