Have you ever felt distracted and unable to focus while having sex? Not feeling present during sex is a super common experience, yet one no one really seems to talk about – and the way not feeling present during sex manifests itself is different for all of us. Research from sexual wellness app Ferly previously found that 30% of women encounter anxiety before, during and after sex, and that 92% of women have experienced not feeling present during sex.
“It can really vary from person to person and in the level of intensity that it's felt,” explains Kate Moyle, a psychosexual therapist at Ferly. But for most of us, she says, it feels like not being able to silence our busy minds and “letting our thoughts jump from things that have happened in the past to things that could happen in the future rather than tuning into the very present moment.” Some of us may find we have moments of presentness during sex, but then become distracted again.
“Someone might be in the middle of sex when their phone rings and suddenly all they can think about is that missed phone call. Instead of paying attention to how their body is responding to their partner's touch, they are now distracted and thinking about something else which will make it harder for them to have a pleasurable experience,” Moyle says.
“On the other end of the scale, not feeling present can be a defence mechanism that someone uses to protect themselves from emotional or physical pain. This is known as disassociation and in extreme cases, some people pull away so much they feel they are outside of their bodies, watching from afar.”
Here's an expert guide to feeling present during sex, including advice on how to use mindfulness techniques to focus your mind (and on your pleasure).
Is it common not to feel present during sex?
Moyle says it is very common not to feel present during sex. “As a society we struggle with overactive minds, letting our thoughts run riot and preventing us from being in the here and now,” she explains. “Women's number one question to us at Ferly is 'Am I normal?' - and while we hate the word 'normal' because generally there is no normal' when it comes to feeling distracted during sex – well, that is normal!”
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Why do so many women struggle with feeling present?
While distractedness is an issue for people of all genders and sexualities, Moyle explains that it is more likely to affect women. “Remember, 75% of global unpaid work is done by women. This is often on top of the work they do in their day job," she says. “Women have to think about running a household, pushing themselves at work, caring for their family (children, elderly parents, sick siblings) and so much more. So, as well as being incredibly busy, this means women also put others' needs before their own.
“It's unsurprising then, that women get distracted during sex because if they're not thinking about their endless to do list, they are most likely thinking about whether their partner is having a good time instead of tuning into their own pleasure.”
There are also a lot of dominant narratives and messages about what or how to be a sexual person, and “particularly a sexual woman" Moyle says. “This can impact women being in the moment.” Men also struggle with feeling present during sex, but Moyle explains that the combination of being overworked and having a responsive desire type means that presentness plays a much larger role in women's pleasure.
“Rather than focusing on the experience itself, these internalised ideas can shape how someone perceives that their partner, or even themselves may be seen in that experience, and what that means about them; and these thoughts can be very distracting,” she continues. “Men are also excluded from this type of messaging, and as a psychosexual therapist I also work with a lot of men who experience performance anxiety; related to have they believe that they have to be sexual 'as a man', and messaging about masculinity, toxic masculinity and performance can follow them into the bedroom.”
Understanding your desire type
Before learning how to feel more present during sex, it's useful to understand how different people experience sexual desire.
“For all sexes, but particularly women, the mind-body connection is really important. For the majority of women and [people] with vulvas, we experience what is called 'responsive desire'. This is different from most men and [people] with penises who experience what is called 'spontaneous desire',” Moyle explains.
“Spontaneous desire is, as Emily Nagoski describes it, a 'lightning bolt to the genitals'. You want some sex out of the blue, you get aroused, and maybe have some sex. This type of desire is super common, healthy and unremarkable. Responsive desire is also super common, healthy and rather unremarkable too.
“Responsive desire, is essentially desire (i.e. your wanting of or not wanting sex), that happens in response to stimuli – which could simultaneously include: 1) the 'exciting' stuff or the things that tell your brain to get in the mood, e.g. a kiss, a touch of the hand, a lingering look, the smell of perfume or cologne, a secluded (or maybe a busy) beach etc and 2) the 'inhibitory' stuff or the things that tell your brain right now probably isn't the best time, e.g. while on a Zoom call with your parents, when you're stressed at work, when you're worried about getting an STI etc.”
If your mind is in overdrive, it'll be much trickier to tune into the 'exciting' stuff and therefore you'll find it much more difficult to feel present in the moment and focus on feeling pleasure.
Why to work on feeling more present during sex
It's easy to forget that sex is supposed to be fun, and pleasurable, and enjoyable. And as Moyle says, sex tends to go badly (or at least as not as well as you'd like) when you're distracted or not fully into it. “If we really want to improve our sex life, access more pleasure and experience more intimacy working on our ability to stay present during sex is crucial,” she explains.
Moyle says learning to feel more present during sex can:
- Help you discover what types of touch you enjoy most
- Bring you into your body so that you're aware of how you're feeling moment to moment, which gives you the insight to communicate more effectively
- Make you aware of your breath and heart rate which are indicators of your pleasure, and knowing this allows you to control the experience. You can speed up to bring yourself to climax or slow down to extend the pleasurable feelings
- Help you better understand your partner and their needs so that you can become a better lover
- Reduce self judgement and 'spectatoring' which is the act of evaluating yourself during sex and worrying about your performance
How to feel more present during sex
Now that you know more about the benefits of feeling grounded during sex, you’ll probably be looking for tips on how to achieve this feeling of embodiment in your own intimate life.
There are plenty of preparatory techniques or in-the-moment changes which might help you to feel more engaged and mindful during partnered sex or even during masturbation. However, sometimes, there isn’t a quick fix (sorry!). For some people, a longer-term approach is needed – particularly if underlying issues are at play.
Below, experts explain how to approach both scenarios. Thank us later!
A sexologist’s top tips to instantly feel more present during sex
It’s easy to say you want to be more present during sex, but sometimes find it harder to put into practice. So, we consulted the sexologist and sex educator Alexa Andre to find out how you can feel more centred in bed: here’s what she said.
“Involve a kink that will ground you like asking your partner to use a blindfold, restraints, or spank you every time you seem to get in your head”
Andre’s first suggestion sounds deliciously spicy, but why does it work? Well, varying the sensation of intimacy or restricting a sense or form of movement is a good way to bring you back into your body, focusing you on physical sensation rather than the thoughts going on in your head.
“Masturbate in front of a mirror and get used to the way your body looks”
Some of us struggle with our body image during sex, constantly thinking about the faces we’re making or the shapes of our body. It might feel counter-intuitive to focus more on how we look during these moments of pleasure, however, masturbating in front of a mirror is an opportunity to not only grow accustomed to how we look during sex but begin to associate our reflection with sexual pleasure. Plus, you get serious diva points.
“Ask your partner for reassurance that it’s okay to take as long as you need”
Orgasms should be fun, right? However, different people take different amounts of time to reach climax: something which can lead to self-consciousness. For those of us who take comparatively more time to finish, it’s easy to worry that our partner is getting bored. This leads to anxiety, impacting our ability to be present in the moment.
The simple solution? Getting reassurance up front that our partner doesn’t mind how long we take, or if we reach orgasm at all. Sometimes gentle words of encouragement and understanding can go a long way and get us in a more positive frame of mind during sex.
Long-term strategies for feeling present in sex
While there are plenty of good short-term tips for feeling grounded during intimacy, they won’t necessarily work for everyone.
Sometimes, feeling connected in sex requires deeper introspection. That’s where sensate focus comes in: a sex therapy technique used to increase your intimacy and make your sexual experiences (hopefully) more pleasurable.
It teaches mindfulness as a way to train your brain into battling distraction and being more present in the moment. Mindfulness can also teach you how to control your thoughts, silence your mind and tune into your pleasure.
However, if you continue to struggle to feel present in sex and have the finances to do so, there’s always the option of exploring how a sex therapist might help.
As Moyle concludes: “Connecting with a great therapist is also a brilliant option, and the best directory for psychosexual therapists in the UK is College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT).”
Paisley is the former Sex and Relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK. She covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ. She definitely reveals too much about her personal life on the Internet.
Megan Wallace (they/them) is Cosmopolitan UK’s Former Sex and Relationships Editor covering sexual pleasure, sex toys, LGBTQIA+ identity, dating and romance. They have covered sexuality and relationships for over five years and are the founder of the PULP zine, which publishes essays on culture and sex. In their spare time, they can be found exploring the London kink scene and planning dates on Feeld.
