Picture this: it’s Friday night and you’re home alone. Your work is done, and you decide the housework can wait ’til tomorrow. You light some candles, put on Heated Rivalry, and break out your clit sucker.
But then... it’s over. You start thinking that you should just get on with folding the washing, or simply grab your phone. Within seconds, you’ve gone from the ultimate zen to spiking your cortisol.
Fireworks vs party poppers
Few things compare to a great orgasm, for good reason. “An orgasm is like a firework display in your brain,” says neuroscientist Nicole Vignola. “It’s the only activity that activates every part of the brain all together.”
Not all are created equal, though. For a NYE-level display, it’s about the build-up: lots of touch, emotional safety, and time. For that orgasm to be sustained, the same needs to be true for what happens afterwards. Otherwise, Vignola suggests, you risk turning that epic firework display into a mere party popper.
When you have an orgasm, your brain releases the feel-good hormones oxytocin and dopamine. It also temporarily switches off the orbitofrontal cortex, the part of the brain that looks after decision-making. So if you end the show early by reading a stressful email, not only are you at risk of making some less-than-stellar decisions, but you blunt the stress-relieving hormones you’ve worked so hard to release.
Plus, a warning: “The brain is a predictive machine, so once you start to merge associations, the brain might anticipate that response regardless,” says Vignola. Meaning, if you regularly feel something post-wank that spikes your cortisol (such as shame or stress), your brain might start to think that’s what should always happen.
Everyone's clicking on...
Elongating pleasure
Jordan Jaziri, a psychosexual psychotherapist, points out: “Much of what passes for sex in busy lives can be going through the motions, reaching for a known outcome, performing rather than sensing. A body in that mode can struggle to settle into a luxurious afterglow. It can tip into comedown and look for an exit.”
Simply: you may not be giving yourself enough time and mental space to be present for pleasure. “Sexual response can deepen when attention stays with sensation rather than drifting into thought or performance,” says Jaziri. “When you notice the urge to move on: pause, slow your exhale, and locate three physical sensations.”
You can also boost your afterglow by edging — bringing yourself to the peak, easing off stimulation right before climax, and then re-engaging. Sex and relationships educator Courtney Boyer explains that this activates your brain’s reward circuits, as dopamine rises as you approach climax and drops off when you back off, heightening focus and building anticipation. “That cycle can intensify sensitivity and awareness in your body, often leading to a stronger, more controlled release when you finally let go.”
Lois Shearing is Cosmoplitan's Former Senior Sex and Relationship Writer. They have been writing about sex, sexuality, gender, politics, and relationships for almost ten years. Their writing on these topics has appeared in Mashable, The Independent, Metro, The Advocate, and Byline Times, among others. In 2021, they published their first book, Bi the Way with JKP. They are currently working on two other books, set to be published in 2024. In a previous life, they worked as a content marketer and content writer for various tech start-ups. They continue to be interested in the tech sector and its impact on our lives, relationships, and work, with particular regard to the ways AI will shape our relationships in the future. Outside of work, they are deeply passionate about queer community organising, and run the only support resource for bisexual survivors of sexual violence in the UK: the Bi Survivors Network. You can find them on Instagram and X.
