As I approach 30 years old, one of my hopes is that the term “situationship” is eradicated from my vocabulary entirely. Situationships suck. But my disdain for the word doesn’t stem from some holier-than-thou attitude or judgement—quite the opposite: I consider myself a situationship survivor. And having lived through that absolute hell, I never want to look back. That’s all to say: if you’re currently stuck in the endless, nervous-system wreckage that is a situationship, I hear you. I see you. I understand you. And because I was you, I know exactly what you’re going through—and how you’re dying to get out.
For those who have never experienced the pure adrenaline of sending a text to someone you’ve already slept with multiple times but have no idea if they really like you (lucky you), it’s hard to fathom why breaking off a situationship may feel so difficult.
“Our brain literally treats it like an addiction,” Devyn Simone, Resident Relationship Expert at Tinder tells Cosmopolitan. It’s true. Toxic relationship cycles that include a lot of uncertainty and rejection can mimic the brain chemistry of addiction. But like addiction, the lows become lower and lower. And eventually, the excitement of the connection feels less and less worth the hassle.
“It actually can take a toll on you, particularly your nervous system, because that level of uncertainty keeps your nervous system really working over time,” Simone says. But even though ending your situationship may be what’s best for you in the long run, it doesn’t always feel like that at the moment. So how do you get out with your dignity (and mind) still intact?
1. Lean into the “ick.”
There’s a reason you want to end things, right? Something about the connection is making you feel uneasy. Lean into that feeling. In an area where you're supposed to feel safe—which is your relationship—you're supposed to feel grounded,” Simone says. “So staying in that high alert or doing that level of emotional surveillance—rereading the text message and analyzing, ‘What did they mean by this?’ or ‘They canceled plans last minute.’ That's just not good.”
Sitting in those feelings of discomfort and realizing the relationship no longer serves you will help you feel better about your decision to end things. When you remind yourself that this “relationship” is only causing negative feelings, it becomes easier to step away.
2. Have a game plan for the conversation.
When you go to end things, it can be easy to find yourself backtracking or renegotiating just to end up in the same place you started. Simone advises going into the conversation with a plan. You may be in one of two spaces: you’re either ready to end things or you really want it to work, but you can kind of tell from the other person’s actions that they’re not feeling you as much. Either way, staying focused on your feelings is important.
The best way to get a direct answer is by asking a direct question. Do you want the same things? Are you choosing each other? Just keep in mind that you shouldn’t be trying to change their answer.
“When you go into the conversation, remember that you're not going to try to convince them to choose you,” Simone says. “If they are dumb enough to let you leave, be smart enough to walk away.”
And if it turns out that the situationship has run its course, make that clear to the other person. Rather than pointing out what they did or didn’t do, be honest about what you’re looking for. There’s no reason to lower your standards.
Simone suggests saying something like: “I'm looking for something more intentional, and this just really isn't working for where I'm trying to go.”
3. Honor yourself.
Once you end things, it can be easy to convince yourself that the situationship wasn’t that big of a deal or that you overreacted. You didn’t. And remember that you’re doing more harm staying in a situation that doesn’t align with your wants and needs.
“You're kind of doing a disservice to yourself or betraying yourself because you're maybe doing things or agreeing to things with hopes that the other person is equally interested or equally invested,” Simone says. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with a little uncertainty when you’re getting to know someone at first. But at a certain point, the butterflies eventually go away and it no longer feels fun.
“If it's three months in and you still don't know if you're going to hang out on the weekend or you're nervous to ask and make plans in the future, that's a red flag.”
4. Prioritize your relationship with yourself.
Yeah, I know. You’re tired of people telling you to “love yourself first.” Same. But in these circumstances, you’re going to need all the self-love you can get. Do whatever it is that makes you feel good. Get that dessert, buy that thing off of TikTok shop that you know you’ll only wear once and never again—pour into yourself however you see fit.
“The more you realize you can fall back on your relationship with youself, the more empowered you'll be to make smart decisions that support who you are rather than compromising to make yourself small to be chosen by someone else,” Simone says.
5. Don’t look at their Instagram.
No matter how tempted you are to take a quick peek at their story or scroll through the likes on their new post, don’t. Unfortunately, going no contact and blocking them really is the best way to heal.
“You have to be really thoughtful and proactive in protecting yourself,” Simone says, even if that means resisting the urge to look at their profile from that fake spam account you made.
6. Set your standards moving forward.
Like all relationships you’ll ever have, this one comes with lessons. And the best thing you can do for yourself to heal is learn from them. Settling for a situationship means settling for someone who doesn’t outwardly choose you. So when you end things, keep in mind that this is something you probably never want to experience again. No matter how hot they were or how much you thought you enjoyed their company—there’s always someone who is going to treat you better.
“We all deserve more,” Simone says. “We all deserve to be chosen.”
