So many of us still act as if sex is completely separate from the rest of our lives — a cordoned-off, shadowy part, where desires and layers of our personalities dwell, far away from public consumption.
But that’s not entirely true: our sexual behaviour can often be an extension of our everyday personalities. And for some, how someone behaves during sex can be a telling red flag that helps to reveal a wider pattern of behaviour.
For example, what if a bedroom encounter could hold the clues to understanding behaviour like love bombing?
What is love bombing?
By now, you might be familiar with the signs of love bombing: where an individual showers another in non-stop compliments, gifts, and affection in order to gain their trust, often promising the moon, sun, stars, and everything in between. And, of course, you can expect rushed declarations of love and seemingly never-ending passion.
Once you’ve been drawn in by this pattern of intense behaviour, the love bomber typically withdraws their affection, leaving the other person confused and craving more of the attention, flattery, and kindness they’ve come to expect. This is how a love bomber gains — and then maintains — control.
One of the key problems with detecting love bombing is that it can initially be hard to decipher whether someone actually is head-over-heels for you, or is looking to control and manipulate you with outsize displays of affection. This is when paying close attention to behavioural cues, including during sex, can be key. Within a sexual context, love bombing might manifest in specific ways but the end goal is the same as always: control.
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So, what do the experts think? According to Ness Cooper, a psychotherapist, couples counsellor, and clinical sexologist, there are a few signs to look out for.
Sex with a love bomber: the signs
Cooper identifies a number of scenarios where love bombing can manifest in a sexual context. These include making repeated and enthusiastic sexual advances. “Love bombing in a sexual context can look like over-offering sexual experiences and opportunities,” she says. “This is different to compulsive sexual behaviour, as the goal is to be able to control the partner’s sexual routine, behaviours, and experiences.”
Concerningly, in an intimate scenario, a love bomber may engage in various forms of coercive behaviour. “Love bombers may also commit actions which fall outside the wheel of consent, where the receiver isn’t able to fully give explicit consent, as consent is already presumed,” advises Cooper. “The love bombing partner will justify that they are giving and gifting the other partner all the sexual opportunities.”
There is also ground which overlaps with gaslighting, with the love bomber adopting manipulation tactics. “The partner may be made to feel like certain sexual acts are their idea. This is a form of coercive control that can be difficult to break free from.”
When presented with a ‘no’ or a boundary, a love bomber might attempt to pressure their partner. “Examples and explanations may be used to normalise certain sexual acts,” Cooper explains, “such as saying their friends are always going to sex clubs, so it’s normal, or it’s always on TV, so everyone does it.”
Cooper is also keen to emphasise that a love bomber may weaponise gifts in order to sexually pressure a partner. “The love bomber might over-gift sex toys which have not been communicated or erotic clothing,” she says. “They might say, ‘Well I spent all this money on these, it’s a shame for it to go to waste’. Or, ‘We have these toys now, so there’s no excuse for us to avoid doing X sexual act’.”
What to do if you suspect you’re being love bombed
Love bombing is a complex form of control and manipulation. Unfortunately, we cannot always simply stop behaviour like this by pointing it out — often love bombers may not acknowledge their patterns or how it impacts someone else.
“Stating that you feel like you’re in a love bombing relationship can fall on deaf ears and can lead to defensiveness,” explains Cooper. “Generally, those performing love bombing lack self-awareness that they are deep into the process.”
Instead, you may seek to discuss the patterns with someone else and potentially keep a log (if possible) of the behaviour. If possible, reaching out to a therapist, or a support helpline, will allow you to be listened to and begin to understand what is happening.
If you’re looking for support, you can visit the National Domestic Abuse Helpline via Refuge.
Megan Wallace (they/them) is Cosmopolitan UK’s Former Sex and Relationships Editor covering sexual pleasure, sex toys, LGBTQIA+ identity, dating and romance. They have covered sexuality and relationships for over five years and are the founder of the PULP zine, which publishes essays on culture and sex. In their spare time, they can be found exploring the London kink scene and planning dates on Feeld.
