Can you ever be sure about your sexuality? Cosmopolitan US advice columnist Logan answers one reader...
Q: I've known I like girls as more than friends since I was 13, but I continued to brush it off, because I was afraid of what other people would think. I've only recently started acknowledging the fact that I could be interested in having sex or a relationship with women, but how am I supposed to be 100% sure if I've never actually done anything with anyone of the same sex?
A: That’s a big, profound question and I’ve got nothing definitive for you. Sorry. But it’s hard to be one-hundred percent sure—and some people never are. Again, I apologise: I know that’s not the simple advice you were hoping for. I don’t have Five Easy Steps to give you. But I do want to say one thing very clearly: You asked, “how am I supposed to be 100% sure” and I want to tell you, as strongly as possible, that, when it comes to your sexuality, you’re not supposed to be anything. All you’ve got to do is be.
Obviously, our culture has a “check this box” attitude toward sexuality: you’re “supposed” to pick a supposed side and suit up for your team: Straights in ill-fitting uniforms; gays in better-fitting uniforms. There’s enormous peer pressure to define yourself to friends, family, and strangers. You must feel that. But you’re young and you’ve got so much time. Sometimes, it takes people decades to figure out who they are and what they want. That’s ok. Give yourself the time and don’t worry about what anyone else things you’re “supposed” to be doing.
Nobody but you can answer the question of whether you’d like to date men or women or both. Nobody but you can say how long it will take. It might take a little while, or a long while, before you decide if you’re straight or gay or bisexual or that you prefer to identify in some other way entirely.
You might need to date women for a few months or many years, or women and men for a few months or many years. You might need to date a man for a while, then a woman—who knows. The point is: It’s ok that you’re not sure. It makes perfect sense that you’re not sure. Part of growing up is allowing yourself some space and time to find what feels right to you — and to you alone.
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Logan Hill, a veteran of New York, Vulture, and GQ, has spent twenty years covering the arts for outlets including Elle, Esquire, Rolling Stone, The New York Times, This American Life, TimesTalks, Wired, and others. For more, visit loganhill.com.
