In case you missed it; Stormzy and Maya Jama have sadly split up again, just under a year after getting back together. When the pair rekindled their flame, they cemented their place in the celebs reunion Hall of Fame alongside JLo and Ben Affleck, and the Biebers. Whatever happens, us romantics have nothing but respect for giving things another go.
Announcing their split, the couple posted on Instagram: “We fell madly in love in 2014, broke up in 2019, and then spent five years manoeuvring life apart. We decided to try for the final time in August 2023, and we've spent this past year trying our best to make it work; however, we recently decided to call it quits.”
We can’t knock them for trying, after all if you don’t try then you’ll never know, right? And while it hasn’t worked out for the couple this time is that always the case after a breakup?
Of course, the internet is now abuzz with discussion about whether getting back with an old flame can ever work.
“If you’re having thoughts about getting back with your ex, the most important thing is to be honest with yourself - why is it that you want to get back with your ex? Do you truly miss them and want to be together? Or do you just want somebody to chat to or a familiar face to comfort you?” asks Kate Mansfield, a dating expert working with dating app Badoo, bringing us all back down to Earth.
If you have put some actual thought into it, beyond scrolling old pictures with a glass of wine, Mansfield says it’s essential to “start with open and honest communication about past issues and intentions and reflect on personal growth during the separation, ensuring those changes align”.
She explains: “As hard as it can be, try to avoid idealising the past and instead, focus on a fresh start. Be patient, allowing emotions to settle - prioritise mutual understanding, healthy boundaries and shared goals.”
Cosmopolitan UK spoke to four people who rekindled things with an ex about how it went. Buckle up!
“I met his other girlfriend after he convinced me to move to Dubai for him” - Jessica Valentine, 32, Social Media Executive
How did you first get together?
We met at work when I was 22 and he was 23, when I was working as an Account Manager and he was a placement creative. We didn't realise for a while that we both liked each other, but we’d always look for reasons to talk to email each other or engineer meetings. Once we were together, things got very intense very quickly.
Why did you break up?
We broke up originally because I got sick and had to leave my job, and the relationship didn’t have enough substance to last out in the real world.
How did you get back together?
It always felt like we were 'the one that got away' for each other. He would randomly message me on LinkedIn at key times in his life. We went on a walk together before he was set to move abroad for work and he told me that he knew we were going to get married one day. He said he just knew it. Then there were years of no contact.
We started speaking again around eight years later during the pandemic every day and he declared his love for me after six months. When the lockdown lifted, he came over to see me in London (he was still living abroad). We spent all of 2020 planning our future and reminiscing, so I decided to take a risk and move to Dubai rather than go into another lockdown. He started acting weird after I moved my flight forward by two weeks and while it did seem like a red flag, it felt too late to go back on my decision. When I arrived in Dubai, he refused to see me and called things off over text. As crazy as this sounds, not knowing anyone else I took up dance classes to try and stay positive, where I developed a friendship with a woman there. After talking about what we had in common - we realised it was much more than just a love of dancing; we were dating the same man. He had been seeing her in Dubai while dating me long distance in London.
We both broke up with him and decided to go on a healing journey - supporting each other through the ups and downs. Within a year we had both met our now fiancés, unknowingly both engaged 24 hours apart. It is a crazy story, one which will always be a turning point in my life.
Would you recommend getting back with an ex?
It is a very personal choice. Having full transparency is essential if you are going to try again, sometimes life can throw curveballs, but what I do know now is always take peoples actions over what they say. Sometimes the reasons it didn't work out are still there.
“She’s no longer my girlfriend, now she’s my wife” – Martin Falder, Parks Project Manager and podcaster
How did you first get together?
I had a long-term crush on her throughout secondary school, but we didn’t start dating until we were both about to leave for university. We were both expecting it to be a short-term thing, but we quickly found we had much more in common than we'd realised. The truth is that I was still desperately immature, but we really cared for each other over that summer and I remember it very fondly.
Why did you originally break up?
We discussed fairly early on and agreed that we didn't want to be one of those couples who went off to different universities and ended up hating each other. So it was a mutual agreement to break up clean and stay in contact when we left, with no animosity. I'd love to say it was a completely tidy break, but I actually ended up being chased out of her house by her dad on the final night I stayed over - I was supposed to sleep in a different room but I stayed with her instead!
How did you get back together?
I suggested we see each other during the Christmas holidays after the first term of university. We'd only been apart for three months, and although we'd both seen other people, I think we were both really missing each other. I hadn't been great at staying in contact, and honestly, I think we were both just sort of seeing what would happen when we met up again, but over the holiday we decided to stay together and try out the long-distance thing.
Would you recommend people consider getting back with an ex?
If you're going to get back together with an ex as a partner rather than a hook-up, you've got to be serious about it - it's not fair to mess someone around with an on-again-off-again thing. Go into it with clear eyes and commit to making a real go of it. I would also say it usually only works if you broke up on good terms, or at least have had long enough to mature and grow in the intervening time. It worked out pretty well for us, although she is technically my ex-girlfriend - because now she’s my wife.
“That relationship taught me a lot about everything” - Libby Baxter-Williams, 40, director of Biscuit - a bisexual advocacy group
How did you first get together?
We first dated when we were 16 and 17. We met because we were both regulars at the same club and it was lust at first sight. We dated for a few months then I broke it off because I was a scared child and she was going to university.
How did you get back together?
A couple years later, after she'd graduated, I texted her out of the blue. I didn't think she'd have the same number, but she did and was living in London. I happened to be visiting from Bradford a couple of weeks later, so we met up. I was head over heels again but I didn't say anything, I figured I'd had my chance. Fast forward a year and I was living in London and we were dating again. We were together for a few years and then broke up catastrophically in 2010. It was awful, and frankly I wouldn't do it again, but it was that relationship taught me a lot about everything: love, relationships, mental health, myself, what I deserve and what a lie looks like.
Would you recommend people consider getting back with an ex?
I'd say getting back together is a risky proposition. There's a reason you broke up. But equally, people can and do change. If you broke up for practical reasons like distance that can be fixed, then you probably stand a better chance than if you broke up because only one of you wants kids. Every situation is different.
“It can erase any positive memories you do have” - Olivia* 27 - Journalist
How did you first get together?
I’ve backslid in multiple relationships, but the first time was with the first person I was in love with. He was this boy I dated when I was 17 - we were together for like 2 years, until halfway through the first year of university. It was very sweet and wholesome. But then he went to art school and at the time I was struggling with depression and figuring out my queerness.
How did you get back together?
I didn't really want to let go of him. Even though I didn't really like the relationship as it was, I didn't have the skills to differentiate that or to work on the relationship. I kept trying to get back with him and we were kind of on and off and it became quite situationship-y and it was really bad and toxic for both of our mental health.
Would you recommend people consider getting back with an ex?
I do think getting back with an ex doesn’t work generally because I think you end up in some fantasy land where all your problems are going to be resolved but they're often not - especially if they’re really deep, like you have different outlooks on life or different conflict styles or priorities. Unless you’re willing to put in serious work like couples therapy and speaking frankly about the issues in the original relationship.
In general, I wouldn't recommend it because if you try again too soon without giving yourselves time to process, you obliterate any chance to be friends and you erase all the good memories that there were.
*Name has been changed
Lois Shearing is Cosmoplitan's Former Senior Sex and Relationship Writer. They have been writing about sex, sexuality, gender, politics, and relationships for almost ten years. Their writing on these topics has appeared in Mashable, The Independent, Metro, The Advocate, and Byline Times, among others. In 2021, they published their first book, Bi the Way with JKP. They are currently working on two other books, set to be published in 2024. In a previous life, they worked as a content marketer and content writer for various tech start-ups. They continue to be interested in the tech sector and its impact on our lives, relationships, and work, with particular regard to the ways AI will shape our relationships in the future. Outside of work, they are deeply passionate about queer community organising, and run the only support resource for bisexual survivors of sexual violence in the UK: the Bi Survivors Network. You can find them on Instagram and X.
