You’re doomscrolling in bed when a thought flits across your mind: I wonder… Before you know it, your thumbs are typing your ex’s Instagram handle into the search bar. You check their latest posts. Maybe you dig a little deeper, careful not to accidentally like a photo from 2022 and expose the entire operation. Now you’re combing through tagged photos and zooming in on their latest photo dump to determine whether that unidentified hand belongs to a new love interest. You have gone full detective mode.
Then, just as suddenly, you snap out of it and curse yourself for checking in the first place.
Thankfully for me, my last Boyfriend—with a capital B—doesn’t have social media, which is both maddening and ideal. Between that and the fact that he lives on the opposite side of the country, I’ve successfully maintained the no-contact rule with him. The only post-breakup update I’ve received came via a LinkedIn post that a mutual connection reacted to: My ex had been laid off. Karma, is that you?
Unfortunately, his lack of an online presence has not stopped me from engaging in this masochistic little ritual with ex-situationships—or even my college boyfriend, who is now married with two children, in case you were wondering. Every time, it leaves me with the same questions: Why did I do that? Does it mean I’m not over them? For the record, I am very much over my college boyfriend. Or is wondering what happened to someone who used to be a part of your life simply human curiosity? And why, when given the choice between peace and emotional torture, do my thumbs occasionally choose torture?
Resisting the urge to conduct unauthorized surveillance on the partners of your past (a.k.a. check an ex’s social media) can be surprisingly hard. Should you block them entirely? Mute them and pretend you have self-control? Delete your apps, change your identity, and move to a remote village without Wi-Fi?
I admittedly had no idea. So I asked relationship experts why we’re so tempted to lurk—and, more importantly, how to actually stop. As it turns out, curiosity is only part of the story. We may also be looking for reassurance, comparing our breakup progress, or trying to answer emotional questions social media can’t reliably answer. The good news is that there are ways to break the habit. The slightly less appealing news? Yes, you may have to hit block.
First, figure out what you’re actually looking for.
When you visit an ex’s profile, you may tell yourself you’re “just curious.” But according to sex & relationships expert for Velvet Brands Zachary Zane, that curiosity may be covering several different motives.
“Maybe you want to know whether they’ve posted something subtly—or not so subtly—about you. Or perhaps you simply miss them and want to see their face, even though it hurts and is not helping you,” Zane says.
You may also be checking to see who is “winning” the breakup. Are they dating first? (Which, btw, Zane says does not matter.) Going out more? Looking hotter? Have they suddenly developed a passion for international travel despite refusing to leave the neighborhood when you were together?
According to sociologist Dr. Jess Carbino, people often use social media to determine whether an ex is at the same stage of moving on that they are. Unfortunately, “social media is not a good way of gauging whether or not somebody has moved on from you,” she says.
A smiling vacation TikTok doesn’t prove they’re happy. A sad song on their Story doesn’t prove they miss you. And that photo of two wine glasses could mean they’re on a romantic date—or having dinner with their mother. Social media gives you just enough information to speculate wildly and nowhere near enough to know what’s actually happening.
Carbino has even heard of people monitoring an ex’s Netflix activity to decipher their emotional state. Lots of recently watched shows? They must be sitting at home depressed. A string of comedies? Maybe they desperately need a laugh. Personally, if I ever reach the point of conducting a forensic analysis of a man’s Netflix queue, please change my passwords and take me outside.
What checking their feeds is giving you.
Here’s the annoying part: You probably keep checking because, despite how bad it can make you feel afterward, the behavior gives you something in the moment.
“We don’t do things that exclusively hurt us,” says therapist Emma Johnson, LMSW. Keeping tabs on an ex might provide temporary reassurance, validation, or the illusion that you still have some access to their life.
“We might have broken up, but if we’re monitoring their socials to look at what they’re doing, it feels like we’re connected,” Johnson explains. “It feels like this connection is on our terms because we’re the ones choosing to look.”
That sense of connection can be especially difficult to relinquish because a breakup doesn’t only remove a person from your life. It dismantles the shared routines, relationships, activities, and identity you built together.
“It’s not just you or the other person,” Carbino says. “It’s also you and your life as a couple.”
Social media can make it seem like you’re preserving a tiny piece of that former life without having to actually contact your ex. But if the behavior is leaving you anxious, distracted, or stuck, Johnson recommends asking what you hope to get from it. If you want reassurance that ending the relationship was the right choice, for example, you might reread an old journal entry, talk to a friend who remembers what really happened, bring it up with your therapist, or remind yourself why you left.
“When we know what we’re gaining—or think we’re gaining—we can replace the damaging habit with something healthier,” she says.
Ask yourself, “Why now?”
Once you know what you’re looking for generally, pay attention to what sparks the urge.
“What is it about this moment that’s making you feel compelled to check it?” Carbino asks.
Maybe you’re bored. Maybe you’ve been drinking. Maybe you went on a bad date and suddenly your ex has been transformed by nostalgia into the Last Good Man on Earth. Perhaps an anniversary is approaching, a mutual friend mentioned them, or you’re simply having a vulnerable night.
Recognizing the trigger gives you a chance to address what you’re actually feeling instead of reflexively opening Instagram and poking the emotional bear.
Start to make checking as inconvenient as possible.
If you’re repeatedly checking, it may be time to mute, unfollow, or block them. And no, blocking does not automatically mean you are dramatic or weak. Sometimes it simply means you know your own limits.
“This person is your ex—who cares what they think of you for unfollowing or blocking them?” Johnson says. “Take whatever practical step you need to heal.”
If blocking alone isn’t enough, add more friction. Delete the apps for a while. Remove them from your home screen. Set usage limits. Make accessing their profiles annoying enough that your conscious brain has time to catch up with your rogue thumbs.
“The most important step is to notice the near-automatic habit,” Johnson says. “Noticing is what helps us change our patterns.”
For when the urge hits:
Since we’re (remember, I’m right there with you!) essentially doing something we know is bad for us, but cannot stop, Zane suggests borrowing a strategy used in smoking cessation: the four Ds.
First, delay. Tell yourself you can check in 15 minutes, then see whether the urge passes. Next, take a deep breath. Drink water. Finally, distract yourself with something that gets you away from your phone and out of your head.
Go for a walk. Work out. Read. Meal-prep. Pet your cat. Set a timer and dance around your apartment. Scream into the void if necessary. The void, importantly, does not have an Instagram account.
The goal is to prove that you can feel curious without immediately acting on it. “Resisting the urge to check for 20 minutes is better than nothing,” Johnson says. “Tomorrow you can resist the urge for 25 minutes.”
Let your friends help you.
A trusted friend can talk you down when you’re about to check. What they should not do is lend you their phone so you can see what your ex posted after you blocked them.
Zane recommends making it clear in advance that if you ask to use their account for surveillance purposes, they should say no. Johnson agrees that this is the moment for friends to offer a little tough love.
Try texting: “I want to check their page. Please remind me why I shouldn’t—and absolutely do not give me an update.”
Your friends are there to support your healing, not join your intelligence agency.
Remember that slip-ups happen.
Maybe you make it two weeks without looking and then, one lonely Sunday night, you cave. You check one Story, then another, and suddenly you’re on the new girlfriend’s sister’s vacation highlights.
Close the app. Put down the phone. Do not decide that because you checked once, all your progress has been erased.
“Healing isn’t linear, and neither is breaking habits or making changes,” Johnson says. A setback may intensify the urge for a day or two, but you can return to not checking. One weak-willed profile visit does not sentence you to a lifetime of cyberstalking.
So, when is it actually okay to follow an ex again?
Zane takes a firm stance: “If you are keeping tabs on someone, you are not over them.” Carbino offers a little more flexibility, noting that it’s natural to occasionally wonder about someone who once played a significant role in your life—even if you’ve otherwise moved on.
The distinction may come down to how seeing the person affects you. According to Johnson, if you can encounter an ex’s post without jealousy, anger, a stomach drop, or hours of rumination, following them may be harmless. But trust your reaction. If one photo can derail your entire afternoon, you probably need more distance.
“You don’t owe your ex a follow after the end of your relationship,” Johnson says. Leaving them muted doesn’t prove you’re bitter, just as following them doesn’t prove you’re healed.
Ultimately, the goal isn’t to become a person who never wonders about anyone from their past. Curiosity is human. The goal is to stop looking to an ex’s carefully curated grid for closure, reassurance, or proof that you’re doing okay.
You definitely won’t find any of that hidden in their latest photo dump anyway.
