A few years ago, I found myself in an unfortunate predicament: I didn’t like my friend’s partner. It’s not that he was rude, irresponsible, or unkind—which, don’t get me wrong, he was all of those things—but, above all, he treated my friend poorly. I bit my tongue for a while, convincing myself it wasn’t my place because it wasn’t my choice to date him. I smiled and treated him with the same graciousness I’d treat any stranger I’m getting to know, but after hearing he yelled at her and ruined her night for the umpteenth time, I finally spoke up.
The kicker? Despite how often she had confided in me about how awful he was, she was quick to defend him, and the ordeal put a strain on our friendship.
My case proves that even when you’re well-intended, this is a particularly finicky position to be in. You never know how your friend might react, and it isn’t always your place to say something. Maybe your friend’s partner makes too many dad jokes or their opinion on something is annoying—those are ick-inducing traits, but are they worth bringing up to your friend? Probably not.
There are some instances, however—namely outright mistreatment—where it’s your civic duty as a friend to speak up. But, then the question arises: how? How do you tell your friend you don’t like their partner in a way that still protects your friendship? Is it always worth the risk? We reached out to experts to get their take on when to voice concern, and just exactly how you should do it.
Where’s the concern coming from?
Before anything else, ask yourself why you feel compelled to speak up. Is it simply a personality clash, or has the light left your friend’s eyes?
“First, I would recommend pausing and reflecting [on] what you are reacting to,” Dr. Marina Gershkovich, a New York based clinical psychologist, board certified in cognitive behavior therapy tells Cosmopolitan. “‘He seems arrogant’ is different from ‘He mocked her in front of us three times and she looked humiliated.’”
While traits like arrogance, entitlement, or even being a chronic complainer might not be the type of person you’d ever date—or the type of person you envision for your friend—you may have to bite your tongue.
“If it is mostly a personality preference, it may be better to tolerate the discomfort and stay supportive,” Dr. Marina says.
Laurel House, a relationship expert at eHarmony, weighs in with a question to help you assess the situation: “Ask yourself: Do I actually think this relationship is unhealthy, or would I just never date this person?” House says. “Your friend’s partner doesn’t have to be your type.”
When it crosses the line from personality clashes to a potentially harmful situation, that’s when you should consider putting your two cents in. If you’ve noticed your friend’s partner acting volatile, unreasonably angry, or making negative comments about your friend’s appearance and personality, part of being a good friend is to do a check-in.
“If your concerns are about how your friend is being treated or you notice patterns that seem unhealthy, that's a different conversation,” says Michael Kaye, Head of Communications & Narratives at Match Group’s E&E brands. “As a friend, it's okay to check in and share your perspective from a place of care.”
If you’re worried about seeming accusatory, sometimes a better approach is to notice changes in your friend. Do they seem like a smaller version of themselves? Are they quieter than usual? Then it might be time to say something.
“It's appropriate to voice concerns when you're noticing patterns, not preferences. Examples of patterns include the person not laughing as much, not seeing their family, or seeming anxious before their partner calls,” House advises.
Choose your language and setting with care.
It sucks to be wondering whether you should say something to your friend about their below-par partner, but should you choose to speak up, you’ll want to set up an environment that’s as calm as possible.
“Opt to meet for coffee and sit somewhere private where neither of you feels trapped. Or, my favorite, is to take a walk because you're moving in the same direction instead of sitting across from each other like it's an interrogation,” House tells us.
And, in a digital world, House says this is a conversation that should be saved for face-to-face. “I suggest you also stay away from texting or a surprise intervention.”
Once you’ve decided on the where, it’s time to focus on exactly how to put into words that you don’t like your friend’s partner without making them feel badly about it.
“The goal should not be to express ‘dislike.’ That word already puts the conversation in a judgmental frame. The goal should be to express care,” Dr. Gershkovich says. “Instead of: ‘I hate him. He’s awful,’ try: ‘I care about you, and I noticed that when he interrupted you several times at dinner, you seemed really shut down. I may be reading it wrong, but I wanted to check in,’” she advises.
Framing the language from a place of concern instead of judgment doesn’t automatically guarantee a receptive reaction from your friend, but if your friend is potentially in a bad situation, it’s worth trying to have a conversation. As tough as it may be, try to leave namecalling and pinpointing out of it.
“This is one of the trickiest situations to navigate in any friendship, so it's important to approach it thoughtfully,” Michael Kaye says. “Share what you've observed and how it makes you feel, rather than attacking their partner's character.”
While Kaye suggests talking about your own feelings, House suggests you encourage your friend to reflect, too.
“Ask questions, such as, ‘how are you feeling’ or ‘what do you love about this relationship?’ Questions make people think, but criticism makes people defend,” House says. “Your job isn't to convince them. It's to help them hear themselves.”
Don’t expect an instant change.
Thoughts like, “Does my friend hate me now?” admittedly lingered through my head for a few weeks after saying something, because, despite agreeing with much of what I had to say, she didn’t leave him. Now, I had to sit at dinners with her and this guy after expressing my disdain. But it hit me with an important lesson: even if you approach a situation with the utmost care and respect in the world, it’s ultimately your friend’s life and your friend’s choice. The same way you should never apologize for the sole purpose of being forgiven, you should only approach your friend with your concerns if you understand they might not fully hear you out. At least, not right away.
“People generally leave unhealthy relationships when they're emotionally ready, not when everyone else thinks they're ready,” House tells us. “That doesn't mean you stay silent forever. It means you say your piece once, kindly, and calmly, without trying to win. Then stay available.”
Skip the “it’s me or them” boundary.
I spent years working as a victim advocate, focusing on victims of domestic violence and sexual assault. I quickly learned a key tactic in recognizing abuse is when a partner manipulates you into isolation from friends and family. While it can seem tempting to tell your friend that choosing to stay with their toxic partner is a total dealbreaker, take a look at the whole picture.
“The fastest way to lose your friend is to make them feel like they have to choose between you and their partner,” Laurel House says. In situations of abuse, she recommends staying connected with your friend. “Keep inviting them. Keep answering when they call. Keep being the safe place. One day, if they decide they're ready to leave, they'll remember who never stopped loving them.”
Dr. Gershkovich says even the way you frame your concerns can let your friend know you’re not going anywhere.
“From a cognitive behavioral therapy approach, it could look like, ‘I noticed X. I felt concerned because Y. How are you feeling about it? I’m here either way,’” she says. “This lowers defensiveness because you are not demanding that your friend adopt your conclusion.”
And, just a beat of consideration for yourself: if you start to feel like your friend’s relationship is putting a buffer on your friendship, it’s okay to take some space. “Stepping back isn't punishment. It's protecting your own peace while leaving the door open,” House says. “Healthy friendships don't require you to abandon yourself in order to save someone else.”
