TikTok’s never met a dating controversy it couldn’t spend six hours dissecting in the comments (it’s me, I’m TikTok). And the latest? A voice note one woman says her friend received after a first date. In the now-viral TikTok, creator Kelly shared an audio message that’s dividing the internet over what consent conversations should (and shouldn’t) sound like in modern dating.
If you somehow managed to bypass the discourse, the TL;DR of it all is: A guy (now fondly known as “voice memo guy”) sent a voice note following up a first date saying sexual compatibility was important to him and that, unless they were intimate on their next date, he didn’t want to continue seeing her.
Since the video was originally posted on June 24, it’s sparked thousands of stitches, reaction videos, and hot takes from people who can’t seem to agree on what, exactly, they just listened to. Some have praised the man for being refreshingly upfront about his expectations, while others argue the message crossed the line from honest communication into coercion. And some? Just couldn’t get past the ick factor of a voice message.
So...was this an example of healthy communication, or a major dating red flag? We asked a relationship therapist to break it down.
What’s Going on With TikTok’s “Voice Memo Guy”?
The original TikTok was posted by creator Kelly (@kcuilty8) on June 24, with a text overlay that read, “my friend sent me this voice memo from a guy she went on one date with,” before cutting to the little-over-a-minute-but-it-feels-like-a-century-long audio message with another overlay that read, “that’s my why ❤️.” The post’s caption? “Like genuinely what possessed him to send this #thatsmywhy.”
The voice memo itself is—despite a lot of rambling—pretty direct. After their first date, “voice memo guy” says sexual compatibility is important to him. He says that if he comes over to her place for their planned second date, he’d like them to be physically intimate. If that’s not something she’s comfortable with, he says he’d rather end things than continue dating.
Some creators praised the message as a rare example of someone communicating their sexual expectations upfront rather than making assumptions or pressuring someone in the moment. Others argued the message made sex feel less like a mutual decision and more like a prerequisite for a second date.
Why Are People So Divided?
At first glance, it’s easy to see why the internet can’t seem to agree. On one hand, the man was clear about what he wanted. He didn't assume sex would happen, pressure his date in the moment, or ghost her after realizing they weren't on the same page. Instead, he laid out his expectations and gave her the opportunity to decide whether she wanted to keep seeing him.
That’s exactly why some people defended the message. “People like clarity. Clarity makes things easier,” says Eamonn McKay, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Octave. “We like knowing what we’re getting into before we get into it.” For many, that kind of directness feels refreshing in a dating landscape where mixed signals, breadcrumbing, and ghosting are common.
“There is something positive to be said for expressing relationship needs and desires early on,” he says. “But after a first date? And to present a potential partner with ultimatums? The timing, for me, is too soon.”
That’s where many critics drew the line. They weren't necessarily objecting to the man wanting sex—or even to him saying sexual compatibility mattered. They were reacting to when he expected it, and how quickly he was willing to walk away if it didn’t happen.
According to McKay, people with abusive tendencies “will often push for rapid intimacy and rapid relationship intensity.” That’s why, he says, timing can be just as important as the message itself. He also notes that demanding vulnerability so early in a relationship can be a red flag, especially when it’s framed as a condition for continuing to date.
And that, right there, is the distinction much of TikTok zeroed in on. TikTok creator @hopeyoufindyourdad argued the voice memo “weaponized consent,” while @katblaque said the issue wasn’t that the man wanted sex—it was that he’d already been told she wasn’t ready after their first date. By making physical intimacy a condition of continuing to date, critics argued, the message stopped feeling like an open conversation.
“It can take people months to develop trust enough to be vulnerable with another, whether that vulnerability is emotional or physical,” McKay says. “Being expected to abide by another’s ultimatums is not a good sign that this person will be trustworthy.”
What’s a Better Way to Talk About Sex Early in Dating?
If there’s one thing McKay agrees with “voice memo guy” on, it’s that talking about sex early in a relationship isn’t inherently a bad thing. In fact, being honest about your needs, expectations, and relationship goals can help prevent misunderstandings down the road.
“There is a lot to be admired when someone knows themselves well, is understanding of what their relationship needs are, and that they have the willingness to communicate these clearly,” he says.
The key, however, is making sure the conversation happens in a way that leaves room for both people to be honest. “If you want to bring up intimacy, make sure there is a level of trust in the relationship, and approach the conversation as pressure-free and open-ended as possible,” McKay says. “Having a level of comfort with each other will permit a safe exploration of questions regarding intimacy and other more personal issues.”
That also means accepting that not everyone moves at the same pace. McKay notes that trust—especially after difficult or abusive relationships—can take time to build, and expecting someone to match your timeline isn’t always realistic.
In other words, there’s nothing wrong with asking for what you want. The bigger question is whether the other person feels like they can answer honestly without worrying that the “wrong” answer will end the conversation before it really begins. After all, if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, building trust may tell you just as much about your compatibility as sex itself. And if not? Don’t swipe right on someone who wants more than a hookup.
