What do you envisage when you hear the word ‘swinger’? Perhaps a sea-faring cruise, pampas grass in the front garden, car keys in a bowl, and a gaggle of boomers — but today, things look a little different. Now, you’re more likely to find swingers getting off at themed events or fancy dress parties in sex clubs, searching for play partners on apps like Feeld, and arranging meet-ups via community-centred Telegram groups — and, crucially, most of them will be in their 20s and 30s.
In case you’re not sure: swinging is a form of non-monogamy which sees couples — and also singles, who may be dubbed ‘unicorns’ — have sex with individuals outside of their primary relationship. Historically, it was often the case that two or more couples would swap partners for the evening (hence why ‘couple swapping’ is alternately used), and while this does still happen, swinging parties have evolved to also host one-on-one, threesome, orgy, and other dynamics.
“Everybody thinks swinging is connected to Benidorm and the old couples who were doing it in the 1970s, but when we go out [to swing], everyone is young,” says Ash, 32, who co-runs the swingers’ social Corruption Events with his partner Tanya, also 32.
Ash and Tanya, who share their lifestyle online with their 56k Instagram followers, started swinging in 2019, shortly after they married, and say they prefer it over other styles of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) because there’s no emotions involved; the focus is just mutual physical pleasure. Indeed, outside of their swinging lifestyle, they remain monogamous. “If we are swapping with another couple, we’re either both playing or we’re not,” says Tanya. “So if one of us stops, the other person stops. We follow each other’s cues as to what we’re going to do.”
This desire for extra-relational sex in a controlled setting (the ultimate organised fun?) is one shared by more and more young people today. Increasingly, otherwise monogamous couples are opening their relationships up at sex parties, agreeing on a joint ‘hall pass’, of sorts, for the night, swapping partners, engaging in threesomes, and then leaving their shenanigans behind and heading back home, as if nothing had happened. In short: whether they call it this or not, there’s a growing cohort of older Gen Z and younger millennials — zillennials, if you will — reviving swinging for the sex party age.
In fact, the UK-based swinging app SwingHub reports a sharp spike in under 30s joining the platform in the past six months. As Bailey Masterson, SwingHub’s Head of Operations, tells Cosmopolitan UK, the demographic shift has been swift: “In a relatively short period of time, the share of younger adults joining the platform has [doubled] compared to where it sat through most of 2024.”
Low risk, high reward
Carrie*, 31, and her girlfriend have been together for several years, but only recently started experimenting with sex outside of their relationship. “I broached the subject, saying it [going to a sex party] was something I’d always wanted to do and asked whether it would be something we could enjoy together,” she explains. “We decided to go for it with no pressure on ourselves to do anything when we got there, not knowing how we’d actually feel in the space.” She notes that a sex party felt like a safe environment for their first non-monogamous experience because “there are spaces just to dance and meet like-minded people, and then very separate playrooms, allowing you to suss the vibe and decide what you want to do when you’re there […] We’ve now gone multiple times and have had threesomes, foursomes, snogged a load of people, and also just played with each other.”
For the couple, who are in a lesbian relationship but are both bisexual, swinging has also provided them with “an opportunity to explore and have fun with other genders together”.
Of course, swinging has long been a sexual subculture with its own language and practices. In the modern sense, swinging gained popularity alongside the sexual revolution of the 60s, but what marked it out from parallel movements was its focus on the sanctity of marriage. “By the 1970s, there were entire publications and social networks catering specifically to swingers, often emphasising etiquette, boundaries, and confidentiality,” Dr Esmé Louise James, a sex historian and the author of Kinky History, explains. “It was incredibly rules-based, couple-oriented, and focused on preserving marriage rather than rejecting it.”
Perhaps swinging’s association with re-invigorating and strengthening long-term relationships is what has led to its rising popularity of late. Outside of the specific swinging scene, the mainstreaming (in conversation, at least) of non-monogamy and the growing popularity of sex parties has opened partner-swapping up to a whole new audience. YouGov polling suggests that around 6% of Brits have been involved in open relationships, but that there’s a further 10% of people who would be open to it if they had the chance to try. When it comes to sex parties, female-centred event Killing Kittens reported a 400% increase in party attendance between 2022 and 2024. However, what sets swinging apart from other forms of non-monogamy, is its more ‘traditional’, clear-cut guidelines.
In that way, swinging’s current resurgence could be considered a reaction of sorts, to the popularisation of ethical non-monogamy across the 2020s (which has, more broadly, seen a recent backlash). As Lucy Frank, a psychosexual and relationship therapist with The Thought House Partnership, explains: “For some Gen Z and millennials, ‘ethical’ non-monogamy can feel prescriptive or performative, particularly if it suggests there’s a ‘right’ way to do relational openness.”
Others reject labels completely. Such is the case for Aaliyah*, a 35-year-old woman who met her husband on the sex party scene. “I feel more connected to events that are marketed as play parties,” she says. “But what I do 100% qualifies as swinging. I go to parties, I fuck whichever amount of people I want, I go home [to my partner] and I never see these people again.”
The hurdles
Swinging is often seen as a way to seamlessly integrate sexual exploration into the pre-existing structure of a committed couple, with rules, language, and specific events to help confine and minimise any changes to the overarching relationship structure. But adjusting your relationship contract in order to include sexual non-monogamy will inevitably alter how you relate to one another in your relationship, and requires both of you to be prepared for a journey of growth, both individually and as a couple.
Laura, 34, swings with her long-term partner and notes that sometimes the experience of swinging can be more challenging than what you might expect. “There are things we’ve experienced together that we’ve not enjoyed, or that we’ve had a bit of a wobble over,” she explains. “The problem with swinging is, you might think you’d like something, but would you really? It’s alright saying, ‘I’d love my missus to do that’, but fantasy and reality are two different things, and you have to be prepared that if you want to try something you might not actually like it.”
As she explains, there is an importance in being open to discomfort, jealousy, and insecurity in order to grow as a couple — just as long as you’re open to debriefing and communicating through it. “There have been a few things, like seeing my partner with someone else for the first time, that was very difficult,” she adds. “But you just have to talk it through: What did you like about it? What didn’t you like about it? We don’t grow as humans if we don’t try new things and communicate.”
One misconception about boundaries within swinging is that rules will always remain static and unchanged, something which overlooks the need for continuous communication. Beyond base-level agreements around sexual health and emotional exclusivity, the most successful swingers aren’t clinging to the same fixed rules, but instead are constantly renegotiating based on the dynamics within their couple and how they might change over time.
This is something Carrie and her girlfriend have been grappling with. “We’ve tested our boundaries at times,” says Carrie. “And we’ve had to learn what we’re okay with, for example, one person going off alone with someone. But ultimately, it’s made us stronger and helped us have more fun the next time.”
As well as this ongoing rehashing of boundaries, another thing to contend with in swinging is the stigma that is still attached to the lifestyle. Carrie’s friends — a bunch of creatives living in London — have never batted an eyelid at her lifestyle. But not everyone is so lucky. Laura was sadly outed to her local community, leading to the loss of friends and family. “Our swinging app profile leaked quite early on around our town. It was especially shit because my partner didn’t get any flak, it was just me, I was the ‘slag’,” she recalls. “It’s not like I’m going behind my partner’s back, he knows everything.”
Swinging 101
Unfortunately, as Laura’s experience underscores, the stigma and shame around alternative forms of sexuality still exists, which can cause individuals to shy away from exploring their desires. However, if you’re interested in exploring swinging or other forms of non-monogamy, you’ll need to do your homework before you get started.
As Frank, the relationship therapist, explains, the process of entering the lifestyle needs to begin with “conversation, not action”. At first, you’re going to want to make time for some serious self-questioning, and to work out why you’re interested in swinging. “The first step should be understanding why the interest is there. Is it curiosity? A desire for novelty? A fantasy? A wish to solve something in the relationship? Those motivations matter,” she says.
From there, Frank recommends having some honest conversations. “Couples need space for honest discussion about boundaries, fears, expectations, and what would feel emotionally safe,” she continues. “It’s also important that both people feel free to say no — or not yet. A therapist can also help navigate these discussions.”
Finally, if you do take the plunge, it’s worth remembering that it’s a marathon and not a sprint. “If couples do explore, many start by learning, reading, attending discussion groups, or speaking to others in the community before engaging physically,” Frank concludes. “Moving slowly and checking in regularly tends to be far healthier than rushing into experiences before the emotional groundwork is there.”
While it sounds like a lot of work, the pay-off can be huge. “[With swinging], you have to be completely honest and open about wants, needs, and boundaries,” says Tanya. “That’s what makes it work [for us]. We can now talk to each other about anything and not be scared about upsetting the other person. The communication and the level of trust has really increased.”
*Name has been changed
Megan Wallace (they/them) is Cosmopolitan UK’s Former Sex and Relationships Editor covering sexual pleasure, sex toys, LGBTQIA+ identity, dating and romance. They have covered sexuality and relationships for over five years and are the founder of the PULP zine, which publishes essays on culture and sex. In their spare time, they can be found exploring the London kink scene and planning dates on Feeld.
