Here at Cosmo, we have a bit of a problem with the word ‘foreplay’. The term relegates all sorts of delicious sensual shenanigans — massage, oral, kissing, erotic storytelling — to the role of mere appetisers to the supposed ‘main course’ of penetrative sex.
This isn’t the case at all. Ofc, foreplay does promote natural lubrication for people with vaginas, which helps with intercourse, but however much licking, flicking, or suck-a-d*cking has gone on, no one is ever duty bound to proceed to penetration — whether with a penis or strap-on — unless they want to.
“Foreplay increases blood flow to the body’s erogenous zones, heightening sensitivity and pleasure,” says Amari, a clinical sexologist, sex coach, and sex and relationships educator. “And it plays a vital role in sexual intimacy and becoming aroused, no matter your gender.”
As everyone has unique sexual desires, there are innumerable types of foreplay, but some of the most common include kissing, touching and caressing, non-penetrative oral stimulation (i.e. going down on someone), manual stimulation (using your hands), dirty talk, role play and fantasy, sensory play (with ice cubes, blindfolds, etc.), and bathing or showering together.
But there’s way more to foreplay than just physical sexual acts. As Amari says, it’s so much more than just what happens in the bedroom. “Foreplay encompasses anything and everything that builds arousal and connection between partners. It’s about priming the mind, body, and emotions for intimacy; shifting the mind from the pace of everyday life into a space of presence.”
Foreplay, then, can also include, as per Amari, “flirty conversation, a playful text message, a lingering glance, or a whispered compliment”. “It could be something thoughtful, like doing a small task to make your partner feel seen and appreciated. It could be gently touching their hair or face, sending a teasing message during the day, or cooking together and sharing a laugh. It’s not only about physical readiness, but emotional connection and mental anticipation, too.”
So, there’s no need to be restrictive with our sexual appetites — foreplay can include almost anything, and will be different for every person, relationship, or situation. Whether you get hot under the collar for a little flirting, or if you need some more substantial teasing and touching, here’s your complete guide to foreplay — and how to build arousal for the most fulfilling sex life possible.
What are the benefits of foreplay?
It’s very easy to slip into having the same-old sex, whether you’re sleeping with lots of people only once, or one person a lot. And, for heterosexual couples, this same-old is often: kissing and then P-in-V sex. In casual sex, foreplay beyond kissing can feel more intimate than penetrative sex, and so there’s a tendency to skip it. But women are rarely ready and raring for penetration without some kind of warming up, so this can lead to unsatisfying sex — and even painful sex, if there isn’t enough lubrication, natural or otherwise.
Foreplay builds sexual tension, heightens desire, and makes penetration more pleasurable. Plus, as many women can’t come from penetration alone, it can also be essential for reaching orgasm.
Beyond the physical benefits, though, Amari says that foreplay can “make both partners feel wanted, valued, and emotionally engaged”. “It creates a longer, more fulfilling experience,” she continues, “something that’s especially important in relationships where intimacy has become rushed or routine.”
Below, Amari outlines the benefits of each of the most common types of foreplay.
Types of foreplay — and their pros
1. Kissing
Includes: Mouth-to-mouth, neck, body, and deep (French) kissing
- Sparks arousal quickly through physical intimacy
- Activates nerve endings and boosts dopamine (pleasure hormone)
- Builds emotional closeness and romantic tension
2. Touching and caressing
Includes: Stroking skin, light massage, gentle scratching
- Awakens the body’s erogenous zones
- Helps partners explore each other’s preferences
- Builds comfort, relaxation, and anticipation
3. Oral stimulation (non-penetrative)
Includes: Licking, sucking, kissing erogenous zones like nipples, ears, inner thighs
- Very arousing and intimate
- Allows for gradual build-up to more intense stimulation
- Creates strong mental and physical connection
LELO SONA 2 Cruise Clitoral Massager
4. Manual stimulation
Includes: Using hands to stimulate genitals or other sensitive areas
- Directly arouses and prepares for intercourse or climax
- Allows control over pressure, speed, and rhythm
- Can be exploratory and educational (for couples still learning each other’s bodies)
5. Dirty talk/erotic communication
Includes: Sharing fantasies, compliments, vocal arousal cues
- Stimulates the brain, the biggest sex organ
- Builds trust and comfort in expressing desires
- Heightens emotional and mental engagement
6. Role play and fantasy
Includes: Acting out scenarios, dressing up, power dynamics
- Sparks creativity and breaks routine
- Encourages communication and trust
- Can help safely explore taboo or curious desires
7. Sensory play
Includes: Blindfolds, feathers, ice, wax, or temperature play
- Enhances arousal by heightening other senses
- Creates anticipation and surprise
- Great for building trust and surrender
8. Bathing or showering together
Includes: Washing each other, relaxing in warm water
- Sets a romantic, slow-paced mood
- Physically intimate yet relaxing
- Creates space for vulnerable, unhurried connection
How to up your foreplay game
As always, the best way to have great sex is to explore alone and/or with a partner and then communicate openly about what you like, don’t like, and what you’re interested in experimenting with. There’s loads of sex toys out there that can help you figure out what kind of stimulation you’re into — whether that’s internal or external, vibrations or a sucking sensation, temperature play, BDSM accessories, targeted stimulation… the list goes on and on and on.
If you’re looking for specific advice on kissing, oral sex, hand stuff, dirty talk, or foreplay sex positions, you can find it in the dedicated pieces below. But if you’re looking for more general advice on how to have the best foreplay possible, read on! You can use the following suggestions as pre-lay foreplay, or simply use them to play. Whatever you fancy.
How to become a pro at foreplay
1. Be silly
If either of you get overly preoccupied with worrying about performance and perceived perfection, or start to feel like love-making should always be some intense, earth-moving experience, then what ought to be a pleasure can begin to feel like a pressure.
Forget about sexual goals, and just have a goddamn giggle. Turn the radio up and dance around the kitchen together in your pants. Have a pillow fight. Play kiss chase like kids again. Snog with a mouthful of popping candy.
2. Get knicker bocker glorious
Wearing a pair of silky satin knickers? Slip them off then wrap them over your first two fingers and stroke the smooth fabric over your partner’s balls (if they have them), nipples, up and down inner thighs…
If you’re feeling ultra kinky, brush them over their face so they can inhale your scent, or fold them into their mouth as a gag.
3. Introduce toys
If you’re foreplayin’ with a guy, male masturbation devices can be brilliant during foreplay and aren’t all realistic disembodied vaginas in a flask (yep, we’re talking about Fleshlights).
Try Tenga’s penis-stimulating eggs: pour a little bit of lubricant into the hole, then slide it over the end of his penis. Grip your hand around the toy, and move it up and down, just like you were wanking him off; the silicone is super-flexible, so it will stretch with your movements.
Every egg has a different textured surface inside to stimulate him in new, exciting ways (different yolks for different strokes). They help you give the kind of hand job that he’ll give you a big hand for afterwards. Cracking.
4. Mutual masturbation
Although many people expect their lover to masturbate when alone, most of us still don’t feel it’s culturally acceptable to talk about masturbation techniques and habits with one another openly.
This is a real shame, since swapping notes on how you double-click your mouse can help you and your partner become infinitely better at understanding how to satisfy each other.
Try making tonight the night you demonstrate how you masturbate. Command your lover to sit on a chair facing the bed, then tell them that you’re going to put on a show — and you demand their close attention.
If dirty talk turns you both on, announce aloud what you’re doing as you do it. You could also get your lover to describe each move you make: the place you’re stroking, the speed you’re going, how you’re positioning your fingers/body/toy.
5. Hide ‘n’ peek technique
If the idea of playing with yourself while your partner watches makes you feel nervous or gives you stage fright, ask them to leave the bedroom for a few minutes while you get comfy, maybe put on some music to set the mood, then start to get busy on your Billy-o.
After a short while, they should return — but they should NOT enter the room. Instead, they should just open the door a touch, and gaze at you from there. Not being able to see your partner staring directly at you may help you feel less scrutinised, so it’s easier to shrug off your inhibitions, plus many folks find the voyeurism of ‘spying’ on their partner’s ‘private moment’ hugely hot.
You can invite them in after you’ve had a chance for your boldness to grow, or they can knock for your permission to get closer when they can’t stand the tease of admiring you from afar any longer.
6. A brush with success
Having someone play with your hair and gently brush your locks can be profoundly relaxing and sensual. Sit naked behind your partner and draw a wide paddle brush over their scalp in slow, rhythm strokes, occasionally pressing your bare breasts against their back. Trail the brush down their spine and move it in circles over their shoulders, using it as a massage tool.
If S&M is your cuppa, you could progress to using the back of the brush to administer spanks to their butt (or your own).
7. Give in to tum-tation
Get your lover to lay still on their back, then fill their belly button with warm scented oil or flavoured lube, turning it into a teeny tiny pool. Dip a fingertip in, then trail patterns on the skin of their stomach and chest, perhaps following with your tongue.
If your partner is conscious about their tummy — like many people sadly are — this can be a cute way to celebrate, pamper, and praise that part of them, leading to better self-image and body positivity.
8. Get handsy
Hands are often used to touch each other during sexual play — but are rarely touched themselves.
Try laying featherlight kisses on each of your partner’s fingertips; suck their forefinger while looking deep into their eyes with clear intent; and stroke the lines on the inside of each hand, ‘reading their palm’ and telling them exactly what the marks in their skin (supposedly) reveal about what’s in store for them tonight.
High five, you saucebottle, you.
