DISCLAIMER: Always get consent when trying something new. If you’re concerned about your safety or need advice on sex and sexuality, speak with a sexual health professional or counsellor or contact Brook for anonymous support.
What is BDSM? Well, beyond the sensationalism you might see in the media, there’s a lot to the world of BDSM, kinky sex, fetish, and ‘the scene’.
Before you download your first BDSM dating app or dive into bondage sex, it’s important to get a practical primer on the basics and ground rules of BDSM sex. Want to know what you’re getting yourself in for? Read our safe guide to BSDM below, which we created in collaboration with sex and relationships expert Annabelle Knight and a range of kink experts and educators.
What is BDSM?
BDSM is an umbrella term that refers to a spectrum of sexual behaviours and preferences. The acronym stands for:
B: bondage
D: discipline, domination
S: submission, sadism
M: masochism
“Although some people think that BDSM is ‘kinky’, in some cases it doesn’t have to involve sex at all — the mental connotations of some acts are more of a turn-on than the prelude of a particular act leading to sex,” Knight explains.
“Many specific practices by lovers who indulge in BDSM are performed in neutral, mutually consenting relationships. This emphasis on informed consent is of paramount importance when carrying out a BDSM act because BDSM often involves varying degrees of pain, physical restraint, and servitude.”
There are all manner of BDSM practices, and there’s no one way to do it right. These can include:
- Hair pulling
- Handcuffs
- Scarf/tie bondage
- Spanking
- Role-play
While these might be considered ‘kinky’ activities, there is a whole world of fetish and kink beyond the power dynamics of BDSM. If chains and whips don’t excite you, but certain smells, outfits, or scenarios do, that’s totally up to you — there’s no ‘correct way’ to be kinky.
BDSM consent and safe words
The number one thing you need to be thinking about before getting started is safety and consent. Informed consent between individuals is known as SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) or RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink). “It’s common practice for lovers who indulge in regular BDSM acts to introduce a safe word, which when spoken ensures that the current act stops immediately if things start to get out of hand,” Knight says.
The important thing is that you both agree that hearing or speaking your chosen safety word signifies that all activity has to stop until the situation has been resolved.
Traffic light system
The traffic light system is an easy-to-use safe word system. Each colour communicates how you’re feeling and what you want in the current context.
Red means stop. Saying this tells your partner you want them to stop everything immediately. It should be used when you’re not comfortable, or you no longer consent.
Yellow (or amber) means slow down. Maybe you liked what they were doing but then it became a little too much. It can also mean you’re reaching your limit, or are bordering on physical discomfort.
Green means go for it. Use green if you like what your partner is doing, you feel totally comfortable, and you want them to continue.
Responding to a ‘no’ or ‘stop’
If your partner asks you to stop, “you should always greet a ‘no’ or ‘stop’ with gratitude and acceptance”, says bondage and fetish expert, Marika Leila Roux, CEO of Shibari Study, a global online platform that teaches the practice of Shibari rope bondage.
“Saying ‘no’ can be very hard and any sign of frustration on the receiving end might compromise honest communication in the future,” continues Roux. “Showing positive reinforcement and acceptance when your partner finds the courage to express their limits and boundaries will encourage them to always communicate freely with you.”
Getting consent
“I cannot stress enough the importance of thoroughly educating yourself about consent and negotiations and making sure that your partners are sufficiently informed as well before engaging in any intimate activity involving power-exchange,” says Roux. “Each partnership and context is different, and the methods used to negotiate and navigate a session consensually should be adapted to their unique needs and dynamics.”
While everyone’s needs are different, Roux has some general advice for negotiating boundaries and consent. “It is very important to learn how to properly and usefully negotiate with your partners. Seek first to understand, then be understood. Ask questions and genuinely listen to the answers from your partner. Seek to understand their genuine motivations and boundaries.”
Don’t rely on implied consent
“If you rely only on implied consent, there is room for misinterpretation. You cannot count on someone being able to read your mind any more than you should assume you can correctly read theirs. Cultivating mutual self-awareness as well as good communication skills is the key to successful and empowering experiences,” Roux explains.
Speak honestly about your desires and boundaries
More from Roux: “Don’t be afraid to have a frank and honest conversation about desires, boundaries, and consent with your partner(s). It is important to know your partner’s unique views on BDSM and their consent philosophy. Remember that consent goes both ways; it is important that everyone involved explicitly and honestly states their expectations, limits, and experience. Be sure to discuss all of these things beforehand, especially if it’s with someone new.”
Don’t think of consent as something to get out of the way
“It is more common and important to have affirmative consent, but I challenge you to look beyond ‘giving’ and ‘getting’ consent and more towards the environment and communication you’re creating,” explains sex educator Lola Jean. “Does everyone feel safe to speak up or voice concern? Have they done it in the past and have practice? How long have you known each other? How much experience do you have with each other?”
She continues: “All of these questions factor into your risk profile and tolerance. Doing a two-hour BDSM scene with someone you met an hour ago is going to be riskier with someone you’ve been slowly building scene intensity with. It doesn’t mean one will go smoother than the other but to be aware of our risk level keeps us accountable.”
What does it mean to be a Dominant?
Knight advises that to begin with, you and your partner(s) must first decide between you who is going to undertake the dominant role and who is going to play the submissive role. “It’s extremely important for both of you to interchange and play both roles so you can both experience being in control of your shared sexual destiny. Quite simply, the dominant role will demonstrate skill and power and will control the submissive role.”
The Dominant/submissive dynamic is also also referred to as a top/bottom dynamic. In BDSM, the ‘top’ is the dominant partner who provides the rules and controls the situation, perhaps by way of spanking and bondage or by giving orders and instructions. The ‘bottom’ is the submissive partner who might follow orders or receive what the dominant partner is dishing out. “However, bottoms can also be the more dominant partner by demanding the top to perform certain acts of their choosing and even insist on switching roles,” says Knight. This is often referred to as ‘topping from the bottom’.
Ultimately, the submissive person is always in a position of power, it’s up to them how far the situation goes and how they would like to be dominated. If you’re ever in a situation where you’re playing a submissive role and feel that things aren’t going the way you’d like, you have the power to stop the scene, using your safe word or the traffic light system.
What does it mean to be a submissive?
Knight explains that the position of the submissive is “one of trust and learning”. She says it involves “giving away the reins to your mind and body and allowing your lover to take them fully”. While being a submissive is about relinquishing control, she is keen to point out you will not cease to have a voice.
“A submissive lover should always expect a level of balance and to be able to guide sex within the boundaries of their own desires without pressure to exceed them,” she adds.
Knight says it’s important to remember that by taking a sexually submissive role, “you are not giving your lover carte blanche to use you in any way they see fit”. She says while there are couples that choose to live in a 24/7 Dominant/submissive (or D/s) relationship, not everyone who has submissive desires in sex has to follow this relationship structure or has a desire to do so.
What is a switch?
Some people in the BDSM world also refer to themselves as a ‘switch’, which means they enjoy switching from one dynamic to another and derive pleasure from being both dominant and submissive, depending on their mood, their partner, and the scene.
There’s no hard-and-fast rule about what kind of person prefers to be dominant or submissive in bed — and, in fact, often a person’s preference can differ to their personality in real life. Still, a recent study has shed some interesting insight, finding that 55% of those who prefer to be dominant in the bedroom see themselves as having some kind of superiority over their IRL partner, while 46% of sexual submissives report being more subordinate in their relationship outside of sex. Switches, meanwhile, were seemingly less likely to carry these kinds of hierarchal dynamics into their non-sexual partnership.
BDSM and bondage sex toys for beginners
Knight suggests beginner couples leave out accessories and equipment for the first few sessions, and instead focus entirely on each other. She explains: “Becoming accustomed to a role as a dominant lover takes time, even if you’re used to leading sex. All lights are on you and what you’re going to do next.”
The popularity of bondage toys has skyrocketed over the last couple of years. And once you feel you are ready to use sex toys and accessories, there are so many fun products to choose from.
Start with basic sensory deprivation
Knight says the use of a blindfold stops the wearer from seeing what is happening and handcuffs prevent them from moving. There’s a reason these accessories are so synonymous with BDSM — they’re simple, yet effective.
Slowly removing power from the submissive and putting it in the hands of the Dominant is your basic entry point. It’s about adding the practice to your existing sexual desires at a pace that feels right for you. So, for example, if someone you don’t know very well wants to jump straight to very intense restraint and impact play, know that you need to have very clear conversations about what you like and what you expect from this.
Beginners BDSM and bondage kits
A simple first-time bondage kit is a great way to get started as it will come with beginners’ accessories that are great to experiment with. Some of the best vibrators and fetish wear are compatible with the sorts of straps, harnesses, and restraints used for BDSM, so there’s a lot of crossover and potential to make your fantasies come to life.
“Taking your time and moving through the gears not only reassures the restrained partner, it’s also a wonderfully tantalising way to tease them to even greater excitement. There’s plenty of time for dungeons and sex swings once you’ve got the basics down,” adds Knight.
Sensory play can be very intense for some people and handcuffs aren’t always the best route in. You might want to experiment with silky ribbon ties, soft rope, and restraints made from gentler materials like velvet and lace.
Sex is supposed to be pleasurable and not something you endure. “Remember it’s a game.” says Knight. “If you’re having a go at bondage, you’re presumably looking to have a little fun exploring something that you haven’t tried before — and it’s important to remember that, as with all the good stuff that goes on in the bedroom, the top priority should be exactly that: having fun.”
To have fun and experience pleasure, it’s best to be relaxed, and always be respectful to your partner. Remember you can always stop at any moment if you’re not feeling into it.
What is aftercare?
With any kind of kink, the aftermath is in some ways more important than the actual act itself. In BDSM and the kink community, checking in with and looking out for your partner following a session is known as ‘aftercare’. It’s a practice that ensures all partners are able to express how they felt about the proceedings, establish boundaries for next time, and physically and mentally decompress. When we’re turned on, our hormones are racing and that spike in dopamine and serotonin is followed by a drop.
In an intense play session, your emotions can be incredibly heightened which can result in a much larger drop, especially if there is impact, pain, or degradation involved in your session. The coming down period is known as ‘sub drop’ or ‘Dom drop’, and often aftercare provides an opportunity to cuddle, check in, and look after each other in those low moments after the highs.
It takes a lot to dominate a partner or to give up control, and the emotions associated with these acts can sometimes feel like a lot or feel taboo. In your vulnerable moments, it’s important to take what you need, whether that’s soft touch and spooning, some quiet time, a walk outside, or having a nice meal together.
Paisley is the former Sex and Relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK. She covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ. She definitely reveals too much about her personal life on the Internet.
Megan Wallace (they/them) is Cosmopolitan UK’s Former Sex and Relationships Editor covering sexual pleasure, sex toys, LGBTQIA+ identity, dating and romance. They have covered sexuality and relationships for over five years and are the founder of the PULP zine, which publishes essays on culture and sex. In their spare time, they can be found exploring the London kink scene and planning dates on Feeld.
Emilie Lavinia is Cosmopolitan UK's Former Sex and Relationships Editor. An accredited Sex Educator and Sexologist, Emilie explores identity, equity and innovations in sex, love, wellness and identity with her writing, broadcasting, coaching and commercial work. Emilie has written for the likes of The Guardian, Stylist, Grazia, Woman & Home, Red and Women's Health. She has appeared in documentaries exploring sex and wellbeing by ITV, Channel 5 and the BBC. Emilie has represented the UK as a United Nations Delegate and is a passionate advocate for women's health, LGBTQ+ rights and sex education and public health policy. She is a representative for Young Women's Trust, United Nations Women and The Porn Conversation and works with a number of charities. She loves big books, Bell Hooks, her infrared sauna and her Pomeranian, Ivy Valentine. She lives in London and can give you a rating out of 10 for every sex toy ever invented. Sign up to Emilie's Substack newsletter The Cuff for spice and advice or follow her on LinkedIn, X, Instagram, or her website: emilielavinia.com
