The way we define sex has changed a lot — long gone are the days of formulaic foreplay followed by missionary or doggy style (if you're adventurous), followed by — if the stand-up comedians our parents all seem to like — the man immediately falling asleep and the women thinking about the washing up or something.
Thankfully, our understanding of intimacy and sexuality has evolved. We now understand that sex can be between people of any gender, with any number of partners, or even just with ourselves. We know that you don't always have to aim for an orgasm. And finally, more and more people are realising that sex doesn't have to involve penetration *at all*.
There are so many reasons why we might want to skip the penetration and focus on many, many, many other aspects of sex out there to be enjoyed. Some individuals experience vaginismus which might make penetration difficult and painful, then there’s also the fact that around 80% of women and people with vulvas can’t orgasm via penetration alone and will need clitoral stimulation in order to get there. And then, of course, there's simply the fact that you might not fancy penetration at any given time – it’s up to you to define what constitutes good sex to you.
So, to celebrate the fact that sex comes in lots of different shapes and forms, we’ve rounded up a selection of non-penetrative sex ideas to get you started.
Non penetrative sex ideas
Try Kunyaza
“‘Kunyaza’ is a practice that’s been exercised for hundreds of years between heterosexual couples in central Africa,” says owner of the Whores of Yore sexual history hub, Dr. Kate Lister. “During kunyaza, the man rhythmically and firmly strikes the clitoral glands with his erect penis,” she explains.
“As the woman [or person with a vulva] becomes more aroused and the vulva starts to swell, their partner rubs their penis from the top to the bottom of the vulva, then left to right, and then in a zigzagging motion – always returning to strike the clitoris after each rotation. Finally, as they're brought close to orgasm, their partner simultaneously stimulates the whole vulva area using long strokes... but never penetrating. The technique itself may sound deceptively simple, but kunyaza literally means ‘to make urinate’, or ‘to make squirt’."
Use non penetrative sex toys
Tenga eggs are soft, stretchy, squishy hollow ovals with a hole at the bottom. You pour a little lube into the hole, pop them over the end of a penis, then use them to give your partner a hella good hand job – each one has a different texture inside it, to caress them in different ways. The ‘hard boiled’ varieties give stronger sensations than the classic editions, and you can also use different lubricants (warming, cooling, or extra helpings for a sloppier, slippier, more blow-job-esque feel and sound).
These aren’t just toys for the boys and penis-having people, either. Try flipping one inside out over your fingers, and using it to stroke the clitoris and labia, again with lashings of lube. Plus, TENGA now offers uni-sex toys that work for all bodies.
Alternatively, you can use sex toys to stimulate parts of your partner's body other than their genitals, says Kate Moyle, a psychosexual and relationship therapist."Try incorporating a vibrator into a sensual massage by running it up and down your partner's spine," Kate suggests. Or if you do want to go down below you can use a vibrator to externally stimulate yours or your partner's genitals, without actually penetrating.
Clit sucker sex toys are also non-penetrative and provide a totally new sensation. Instead of vibrating, they send out pressure waves that attempt to replicate the feeling of oral sex.
Make the most of the perineum
The perineum is the fleshy part between the balls and anus, and it’s fulllll with nerve endings. “It also hardens as they do,” explains Topher Taylor of Clonezone sex shop. “The perineum graduates from soft, to firm and back – which gives you a plump area to rub, tug and massage. I find that stimulation using your tongue and your knuckles works well.”
With your partner lying on their back, try holding the first and middle fingers of your dominant hand as though you’re flicking the Vs at their genitals, then pushing those knuckles either side of their perineum, gripping against the firm flesh and rubbing up and down while licking the surrounding areas.
The perineum responds well to moisture, pressure and temperature. Try pressing against it with a heavy, ribbed stainless steel or glass dildo that’s been chilled in the fridge or submerged in warm water.
Try a temperature play massage
Massage can be a great way to get intimate with your partner without your genitals even getting close to touching each other. Focus on massaging your partner's upper body, their back and shoulders, and making them feel relaxed; the skin-to-skin contact will still help to release oxytocin, the same chemical released during sex.
You can take your massage to the next level by introducing some temperature play, suggests Kate Moyle. "Try something like the Lelo massage candle to mix things up," she says. "As the candle burns it turns into a massage oil which can be used on the skin."
Introducing temperature can also be a simple way to create an element of power play, especially when one partner is in control of the different temperatures. "You can combine the massage with ice cubes to mix up hot and cold temperatures," Kate explains, "and it can be a great way of introducing teasing and giving up control to your partner."
Make it a challenge
If you usually have penetrative sex with a partner, try setting yourselves the challenge of not doing so for a week or two, suggests Kate Moyle. The time off from penetration will not only build up a tonne of tension, but touching each other outside of penetration might mean that you discover whole new sensations or erogenous zones that you'd never tapped into before.
"Anticipation is one of the best aphrodisiacs that we have, and teasing and sensual touch can play a big part of that," explains Kate. "It will help you to be more playful and imaginative - and it can really revamp your sex life to discover different parts of each other's bodies where you or they like to be touched."
"Plus, it's also important to remember that pleasure is not all about penetration," Kate adds. "In fact, most women [and people with vaginas] orgasm through direct clitoral stimulation, rather than penetrative sex alone," she explains. Try having your partner just massage your clit without actually putting anything inside - and see where else on your body feels good to be touched.
Talk about sex!
They say that the brain is the most important sex organ - and using your imagination holds endless power when it comes to sex.
Kate Moyle suggests using a prompt like the Pillow Talk card deck from The School of Life to ask each other questions about what you want during sex, whether it's asking what kind of power dynamics you find exciting, or an unusual location you've always wanted to have sex in. And there's no touching required!
"Many of us can find opening up the conversation about sex really challenging," says Kate, "but opening up communication can actually really help with intimacy."
You can also try learning more about sex and exploring different sexual subjects together, Kate adds. After all, knowledge is power!
And if you're done with conversation then try listening to some audio porn together. "Apps like Ferly have sensual stories and audio erotica for you to listen to, which can help to spark your erotic imagination," says Kate.
Lay back and relax
Sarah Berry is a sex and relationships therapist who often works with women and people with vaginas who suffer from dyspareunia, vaginismus and vulvodynia: conditions that make penetration or just touching the external genitals uncomfortable, even excruciating. For such clients who want to enjoy play without pain, she suggests a variety of exercises that don’t focus on the foof – but says they’re also beneficial for couples who find it hard to pause in their busy lives, or who are struggling to get aroused, especially if they feel pressure to perform sexually. They’re spot on for simply switching up your routine, too.
She recommends enjoying a lighthearted, indoor ‘Nil Penetration Playtime Picnic’ on a lazy, loungy Sunday afternoon: it’s a less tense and intense time than the night, when you might be tired, or worried about what’s coming up the next day.
“Get some finger food – no pun intended! – and some booze or decadent non-alcoholic fizz, put on some music and sit opposite each other on the bed in comfy undies or robes,” Sarah says. “Mix up chatting and snacking with touching, stroking, kissing, and masturbating if the mood takes you.” If your bedroom has accidentally become a place that’s centred around frantic fucking and insomniac fretting, this helps rebrand it as a space for chilled thrills too.
Layer your lubes
“We’re big fans of ‘outercourse’ here,” say The Vaginismus Network. “Pain-free penetration (if you want it) may be the physical end goal of vaginismus treatment, but in the meantime, if you want to have a sex life, you have to embrace other options. Vaginismus forces you to be creative in the bedroom, and actually has the potential to deepen the connection between you and your partner because you can’t just ‘have a quickie’ - you have to put a bit of effort in. Also, because vaginismus is often rooted in anxiety, fear and shame, it’s important to keep your sex life fun and interesting, to reduce the sense of humiliation and worry and the feeling of being ‘second best’ to people without genital issues.
“People with vaginismus usually have fully stocked lubricant collections, as it’s invaluable when attempting to insert dilators (slim dildos that start teeny weeny and increase in size, designed to gradually get the vagina used to accommodating an object). However, it’s also great to use for slickly stroking and massaging the labia and clitoris.”
For ultimate sensuousness during an extended massage sesh, try first smoothing on a layer of long-lasting silicone lube then adding a ‘cushion’ of thick water-based lube on top.
Lube recommendations
Take a texture tour
“Blindfold your partner, then stroke or press on the skin all over their body using household items you’ve gathered that have different textures: a feather duster; a leather glove; a foamy sponge; a blusher brush; satin knickers; a wooden spoon for spanking; a silicone spatula and a chilly metal fork,” suggests Kim Loliya, editor of Sex+ zine.
Even a - fresh! - metal scourer can feel tantalising squeezed against the soles of the feet, and because your partner’s eyes are covered, they can’t see the deeply unsexy/hilarious visual of you creaming their butt cheeks with a potato masher or rolling one of those little spiky tumble drier balls down their spine – they can only feel the deliciousness.
Lydia Bowers coaches couples on non-penetrative sexual techniques as part of her online workshops, presented as livestreams on sex ed platform O.School. “Be mindful of the pleasure you experience while you’re touching your partner, too,” she reminds us. “How does the object feel in your hand? How does your love’s skin feel, taste, smell? What are the different sensations in stroking an arm, a collarbone, a belly?”
Emily Gulla was Cosmopolitan UK’s Former Editorial Assistant/Junior Entertainment and Lifestyle Writer, covering celebs, TV and film for the site, magazine and video. She’s interviewed the casts of your favourite TV shows, from Bridgerton to Derry Girls and Stranger Things, as well as dozens of Love Islanders. She also loves getting stuck into long-read features, writing on all things digital culture (including her favourite topic: memes), and dating - having appeared on the radio to discuss dating.
Emily's work has also been published on ELLE, Women's Health, Harper's Bazaar, Digital Spy and more. She holds a First Class degree in English with Film Studies from King's College London, and even wrote her dissertation on Love Island. You can find Emily on Instagram and LinkedIn, and can see more of her work on her website.
