Why strong women like Love Island’s Shakira threaten men

It’s that time of year again — wave goodbye to any and all summer plans and prepare to spend every night in front of the television watching Love Island.

The latest iteration of the influencer Olympics has already seen some twists and turns just two days in, with one Islander sadly being booted from the villa (Sophie, you’ll be missed). However, the real drama comes in the shape of Shakira ‘hips don’t lie’ Khan, who was forced to start grafting after bombshell Toni Laites coupled up with her former partner, Ben Hullbra.

As Shakira started to make her moves on the boys, it seemed that Ben perhaps wasn’t too fussed about the new partnership and saying goodbye to Shakira, as he was overheard saying Shakira “needed to be humbled”. Love Island host Maya Jama also picked up on the frosty atmosphere, as she joked that the pair had been ‘bickering’.

Of course, here at Cosmo, we’re no strangers to spotting glaring red flags — and Shakira, who has openly admitted to having a fiery personality and said she’d win a ‘gold medal if arguing was an Olympic sport’, certainly has a strong disposition.

But what is it about vivacious and bold women — like Shakira — that men often think deserve taking down a peg or two? Or, in Ben’s words, ‘humbling’?

“Strength in women (whether that is confidence, emotional maturity, ambition, assertiveness, or even physical strength) can unsettle men who equate their own sense of self-worth with being needed, dominant, or in control,” explains counselling psychologist Dr Kirstie Fleetwood-Meade. “This reaction often stems from long-standing cultural beliefs, within the context of a patriarchal society, that link being masculine with having power, and being feminine with being submissive or accommodating.”

“For some men, the issue touches on core aspects of identity,” Fleetwood-Meade continues. “If their understanding of masculinity has been shaped by the belief that it is defined through dominance or being indispensable, they may find it challenging to engage with women who exhibit autonomy and self-assurance. This dissonance can elicit feelings of threat or inadequacy, which may then manifest as defensive posturing, or passive-aggressive behaviour.”

This then can result in that time-old behaviour sadly many women have had to put up with: ‘negging’, or someone giving us underhand or backhanded compliments in the hope that diminished self-esteem will make us more receptive to their advances. While we are yet to see any evidence that this has happened between Ben and Shakira on Love Island this year, negging is sadly a common phenomenon.

“It is often a psychological power play,” says Fleetwood-Meade. “It’s designed to chip away at a woman’s confidence, which, ironically, was likely the very thing that attracted them in the first place. It’s also a form of psychological projection, where a person deflects their own insecurities by targeting others.”

“In other words, if a man feels ‘less than’ in the presence of a powerful woman, instead of working on those feelings, he might try to humble her to make himself feel better. Unfortunately, this can be subtle, normalised as ‘banter’, or even passed off as flirting — which makes it extra insidious.”

So, what can we do if we find ourselves on the receiving end of someone who thinks we need to be ‘humbled’?

“The most powerful thing you can do is pause before reacting,” advises Fleetwood-Meade. “Instead of firing back, or shrinking, try turning the comment around with a calm, curious question.”

“This approach does three things. Firstly, it shows you’re not rattled by their attempts to put you down. Second, it places the discomfort back on them, where it belongs. Third, it gives you space to observe their intentions without taking on their energy.”

“Don’t try to argue or explain yourself,” she adds. “Their comments have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with their insecurity. If you hold your ground you can let them reveal themselves further. Someone who is secure and respectful will either clarify or apologise, whilst someone who is trying to manipulate will likely get flustered, deflect, or become angry. Either way, you’ve stayed rooted in your power.”

If your strength threatens someone, then they’re simply not for you. Keep it moving, ladies.

Love Island continues on ITV2

Kimberley Bond

Multiplatform Writer

Kimberley Bond is a Multiplatform Writer for Harper’s Bazaar, focusing on the arts, culture, careers and lifestyle. She previously worked as a Features Writer for Cosmopolitan UK, and has bylines at The Telegraph, The Independent and British Vogue among countless others.