Channel 4’s Open House: How do real-life non-monogamous couples deal with jealousy?

Over the last few years, ethical non-monogamy has become the relationship style du jour — not necessarily in people’s lives (though there is evidence that it’s on the rise), but in culture. There’s polyamory comedies in London’s West End; a boom in books about non-monogamy; and several reality shows where curious couples can tentatively open up their relationships.

One such show is Open House, Channel 4’s “great sex experiment”, which returns to our screens tonight (May 9). For those who’ve never seen the show, the premise is this: couples interested in opening up their relationships get shipped off to a house full of sexy non-monogamous singles and couples, who are, as it’s portrayed, ready and waiting to shag any and all of their incoming housemates.

In episode one of season three, our first new couple is Tanith and Mark, a blonde duo from West Yorkshire. They’re here, they tell resident non-monogamy coach Effy Blue, because Mark has a history of infidelity, including in their relationship. Not wanting to break up, they thought: why not both branch out sexually instead? The couple’s plan is to go their separate ways to experiment with other people — something they hope will help rebuild trust in their relationship.

“Something that would be difficult for me in this is definitely if one of us did something and the other didn’t,” Tanith says to camera, unknowingly predicting what would later happen. After their respective parties, while Tanith goes home alone, Mark throws himself in at the deep end with an orgy with four women — a revelation that leaves Tanith in tears.

This feeling in non-monogamous dynamics — of feeling pressure to sleep with or date an equal number of people to your partner — isn’t unique to Tanith. It’s something that also crops up for the episode’s second couple, Chloe and Paul, the latter of whom feels like he needs to ‘catch up’ when he sees his wife kissing someone else.

So, is this jealousy or something else? To understand this, and more, we asked three non-monogamous people — and a counsellor specialising in non-monogamous relationships — how people deal with the emotional challenges of dating outside the monogamous blueprint.

Fear the feel

Let’s clear something up first: there’s a false idea that non-monogamous people don’t feel jealousy; that they’re wired differently to monogamous folk and can switch off any feelings of insecurity when it comes to romance. The truth, as evidenced by Tanith and Paul, is much more complex than that.

“Any big change in a couple’s life is going to come with challenges,” says Alex White, a counsellor who works with non-monogamous people. “Coming from a paradigm of monogamy [into non-monogamy] is going to shift the shape of your relationship. It may be the first time you’re doing something separately, and you may not know what it means to have your own emotional, romantic, and sexual life. There can be lots of uncertainty, especially if it brings forth aspects of your partner that you haven’t really seen yet.”

Humans, famously, struggle with the unknown. And feeling like you need to match up to your partner’s exploits can be a natural reaction to this uncertainty. It’s not even necessarily about jealousy, explains White. “It could be logistical: that you don’t mind that your partner is seeing someone else, but that you’re seeing them less and you miss them,” she suggests. “Or if you live with your partner and they’re out a lot [with a new partner], you might [want to date so you have more of a social life] to occupy you.”

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This rings true for Leanne Yau, a polyamory, sex, and relationships educator. Yau has been non-monogamous for almost a decade, and is currently in a non-hierarchal polyamorous relationship (i.e. all their partners are equal, as opposed to having one primary partner). “There have been some instances, say if my partner had another long-term partner and I didn’t, where I would think, ‘Oh it would be nice if I was enjoying the kind of experiences that they’re having together’,” Yau admits. “But there wasn’t really a pressure to match what my partner was doing.”

That’s not to say jealousy doesn’t play a role in these feelings. “Typically, the person who is getting fewer dates has more of an urge to control or limit the amount of dates their partner is getting because of the insecurity that can come up from having a partner who is perceived as more desirable,” says Yau. “It can bring up fears of abandonment or feelings of not being good enough.”

This plays a major role in Chloe and Paul’s hesitations on Open House, who both admit that their biggest fear in opening up their relationships is that the other person will end up finding someone they like more. There’s an idea that dating lots of people can alleviate this fear, offering you options in case your partner does decide to leave.

“[Couples might think], ‘It needs to be even because then we’ve both got the same chance to fuck each other over’, as it were, even if neither of them really want to do that,” says White. “But if partners come back to each other and affirm with each other in a way that feels really secure, then they can know that what they have is important to them and that they both want to keep investing in it.”

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Talk it out

Communication, then — a key facet of non-monogamy (and all relationships) — is a major part of this. Jonah Demissie, 35, from London, started exploring polyamory during the pandemic (“when everyone was reevaluating their lives,” he notes) after his monogamous relationship ended. He now practices non-hierarchal polyamory, and lives with one partner, has other play partners, and has a “budding connection with a new person that seems to be getting serious”.

“It took a lot of time for me to understand the level of deep, radically honest communication that’s necessary [in non-monogamy], and to learn how to deliver that in a way that wasn’t blunt, but kind and caring,” he explains. Although he says it became smoother sailing once he had that nailed, issues still pop up, including jealousy.

“For me, jealousy happens when a partner I’m in love with develops another connection that she feels could get to love as well,” continues Demissie. “I’m left feeling like, ‘Okay am I going to have less love given to me?’, but that’s never the case. It’s always just a matter of expressing my emotions and making sure that I’m putting as much energy and care into our relationship as I want out of it. If I need reassurance, I can just communicate and ask for it.”

This feeling isn’t exactly unique to non-monogamy, either. Some monogamous couples are obsessed with how many people their partner slept with before them, AKA their ‘body count’. In non-monogamy, there isn’t just past sexual partners to fret over, you’re dealing with them in real time. If you’re moving from monogamy to non-monogamy, this shift can be tricky, especially if you’re brand new to it and learning to alter a monogamous mindset — one that’s drilled into most of us from a young age.

“Navigating jealousy is hard, full stop, but navigating it in ethically non-monogamous situations is that times 100,” says Kiri, 35, from Oxford, who’s been polyamorous since they were 17. “There’s a level of shame that comes with feeling jealous in these relationships — in my experience, the shame is that I feel jealous at all, because I feel like I’m being hypocritical. But there’s no real way to stop it happening. We’re human; we feel things. But you can manage it without burning everything down out of fear and envy.”

The dos and don’ts, digested

So, feeling the feelings and not shaming yourself for them is key. Another message that came through strongly? Trying to match your partner’s dating or sexual experiences — like you’re both cards in a game of Top Trumps —and calculating your worth accordingly, is a path to misery.

“That kind of mentality makes it really difficult to build authentic relationships of any kind, because it becomes competitive and sometimes spiteful if you’re only doing it because you feel like you’re ‘behind’,” Kiri says. “This isn’t healthy and can lead to serious resentment from the people you’re essentially using as a space-filler.”

Yau doubles down on this. “The people you’re dating didn’t sign up to be tallies on a scoreboard,” they say. “These are real people with needs, and if their connection is being limited with the person they’re dating because their partner is like, ‘You don’t get to go on another date until I find someone’, then that’s really controlling and unfair to the people being dragged into the situation.”

Instead, suggests White, set initial limits and ease into it gently. “Establish a comfort zone, and, when you go on dates, come back and talk about what it was like: ‘How did I feel? How did you feel? Can we sit with these difficult feelings together?’ That’s a really important way of fostering safety.”

“We’re taught that we need to be relatively equal in relationships — to share everything,” adds Yau. “But when it comes to non-monogamy, each of you are on individual journeys. Acknowledging this and knowing that you’re not entitled to the same amount of desirability or dates that your partner is getting [can help with feelings of insecurity].”

Besides, they conclude: “At the end of the day, your partner chose you. The best thing you can do is try to be supportive of them on their dating journey, while also voicing your emotions and asking for reassurance. Focusing on wanting your partner to be happy, enjoying themselves, and having a fulfilling time is the key to a healthy relationship — and also means that if or when the tables are turned, you know your partner will show up and be supportive of you.”

Brit Dawson

Sex & Relationships Editor

Brit Dawson is Cosmopolitan UK's Sex & Relationships Editor. Her work mostly delves into sexual subcultures, sex work, women's rights, and sex and relationships, exploring how each intersects with technology, politics, and culture. Formerly a staff writer at Dazed and MEL Magazine, she's written for British GQ, The Face, Slate, and more. She's also interested in drugs, youth and pop culture, and books — so all the good stuff. Find Brit on Instagram, X, and LinkedIn.