When it comes to pregnancy and becoming a parent, be it for the first, second or millionth (well, maybe not millionth…) time, there’s no one-size-fits-all guide. Some mums will feel their mental health grows more resilient, while others may unfortunately be hit by anxiety – something which can come as a surprise for some mothers who have never faced any mental health issues previously.
It’s something that fashion mogul and influencer, Molly-Mae Hague, who is currently pregnant with her second child, has recently spoken out on, saying in a vlog that her anxiety has become debilitating.
“A lot of things terrify me at the minute,” Molly-Mae revealed. “Since becoming a mum I have become so scared of everything – every time I leave the house, every time I get in an Uber or every time I get on a plane.
“I never ever used to be scared of anything. Like literally all my friends would say, ‘You’re so brave, you’re the non-scared one in the group’.”
As for why this happens, Dr Emily Crosby, Child and Educational Psychologist explains that it’s common and is part of a natural protective response to becoming a parent, with another life to consider beyond your own.
“Anxiety can become problematic if we estimate the threat to be something more than we can cope with,” Dr Crosby explains. “This may stem from our own childhoods and our parents’ own anxieties, or if something negative happened during pregnancy which makes the parent more hypervigilant.
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“When it is your second baby, you have more to keep in mind, so can be triggered – you also know more too.”
Loni Fagel, an EMDRIA certified therapist and licensed clinical counsellor who specialises in helping people cope with medical trauma, grief and loss, adds that perinatal anxiety is thought to impact 1 in 5 women or more. "It can happen to anyone, those who have always had anxiety and those who have never experienced it before," she explains. "Anxiety in this stage is both biological and situational. Hormones are shifting, stress levels can increase, and the reality of this level of responsibility is significant."
Through her own work, she says, many women have a fear that something bad could happen to them or their baby, or of messing up. "There can also be a strong connection to miscarriage or previous medical experiences, and the shame that can come with that."
"While some level of anxiety is expected [during pregnancy or when becoming a parent], but when it starts to impact daily life, avoiding going out, driving, flying, or feeling constantly on edge, it is important to pay attention. This level of fear is not irrational, it is a response to how much responsibility and uncertainty they are navigating."
As for how to overcome these tricky feelings, Dr Crosby advises challenging your thoughts by rating how likely something is based on whether it’s happened before. “You can also create a toolbox of coping mechanisms and strategies to use to help overcome the [perceived] threat, which will help you feel more like you can manage the difficulty they are facing. With going out, for example, a gradual exposure technique, such as using a step by step ladder approach – putting the hardest task at the top, back down to the easiest – can help.”
Fagel also advises working with a specialist perinatal or postpartum therapist, "Sometimes what helps most is having someone witness it and validate it, to say this is a real and understandable fear. It can also be helpful to walk through best case and worst case scenarios and talk through what they would actually do in those situations.
"The goal is not to eliminate anxiety completely, but to help feel more in control of it, rather than it controlling you."
Here, eleven other women share how pregnancy and parenthood saw them develop or struggle with anxiety, and crucially, the techniques they used to alleviate it.
How to handle pregnancy or postpartum anxiety: 11 women share their stories
- “Therapy worked really well for me. My therapist was also a mom of three, so it was extra helpful working with her. I still worry and get intrusive thoughts sometimes but I don’t let them affect me as much. Your body and mind are going through an absolute roller coaster of hormones, healing, sleep deprivation etc. [after birth], so no wonder you’re feeling so emotionally overwhelmed.” [via]
- “It’s hard and honestly got harder the second half [of pregnancy] for me, because even though the statistics [that I could miscarry] got lower, I grew more attached. I have a little 9-weeker now and the anxiety doesn’t fully fade, it just turns into something else. We have to embrace the worry and learn how to live with it healthily. Stay in the moment as much as you can and focus on thinking about what you can control. Go for walks in the fresh air, eat well, take vitamins, etc.” [via]
- “I struggled with driving anxiety before pregnancy for years due to an accident. [I have realised] the more I stay inside the worse it gets. For me, I have to drive around to stay comfortable driving. My [little one] is now 13 months old and it's gotten better. How much I've slept makes a huge difference. But it is very frustrating at times when you need to run errands and feel like you can't.” [via]
- “Talk to your partner about your anxiety, or write down your worries on a piece of paper to get them out of your head. Focus on the moments of peace with your baby. Things will even out and you’ll find your rhythm.” [via]
- “[I am a] longtime airline employee here who actually loved bumpy flights before I had kids. Then I had two kids in 14 months and I became a sweaty mess while flying. My kids are both in high school now and I'm finally back to enjoying flying again.” [via]
- “Please allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you’re feeling guilt free, it’s a massive change that’s impossible to prepare emotionally. It gets sooo much better. You’re totally normal. My mantra during those first weeks was: just gotta get through it don’t, don’t have to like it.” [via]
- “Hormones are rough for at least a few weeks. I remember reading that things get noticeably better at 3 weeks, and 3 months. I found that, particularly the latter to be true. Just focus on survival right now, this moment is not forever.” [via]
- “I’ve been driving since I was 16 and have always been a confident driver with a perfect record. But I developed terrible car-sickness when I was pregnant with my first and began to associate my car with feeling unwell. I actively avoided being in the car as much as possible while pregnant and straight up refused to drive (leaving my husband stuck to act as my personal chauffeur). After giving birth, though the car-sickness was gone, it took me months to willingly get into the driver seat again because of my anxiety. But slowly I forced myself (and my husband certainly pushed hard too) to get out more and more, starting with short trips like the grocery store.” [via]
- “[The anxiety] will feel endless at the beginning, but what helped me the second time (having been through it before) was to keep in mind the first three months are called the fourth trimester – and use that as a false ‘finish line’. I knew if I could just hold on, everything would be different by the end of month three. And that was accurate.” [via]
- “With my first baby, I had pretty horrible anxiety, mostly about his well-being. I was being monitored for some things that ended up being fine, but of course you don’t know that til they are on the outside. I was struggling enough that my doctor offered me an induction at 39 weeks. After he was born, my anxiety melted away within the first couple weeks – and that was with him being in the NICU for two weeks (unrelated to any pregnancy concerns, turned out he had a genetic condition). Even with him having seizures until a couple days before we took him home, I felt so relaxed. Weirdly my second pregnancy was the opposite with basically no anxiety at all.” [via]
- “My daughter is 6m now and the anxiety gets sooooo much better I promise you. I had worked with babies up until having my own and I never thought the anxiety would attack me the way it did. I was horrified she was struggling to breathe and I was missing something. I’d convince myself she was getting sick when she was fine. I wouldn’t let people carry her because I was terrified they would drop her. All the things… Sleep is your biggest tool. Have someone you love watch your baby while you sleep in the same room. The sleep deprivation made my anxiety a billion times worse.” [via]
Jennifer Savin is Cosmopolitan UK's multiple award-winning Features Editor, who was crowned Digital Journalist of the Year for her work tackling the issues most important to young women. She regularly covers breaking news, cultural trends, health, the royals and more, using her esteemed connections to access the best experts along the way. She's grilled everyone from high-profile politicians to A-list celebrities, and has sensitively interviewed hundreds of people about their real life stories. In addition to this, Jennifer is widely known for her own undercover investigations and campaign work, which includes successfully petitioning the government for change around topics like abortion rights and image-based sexual abuse. Jennifer is also a published author, documentary consultant (helping to create BBC’s Deepfake Porn: Could You Be Next?) and a patron for Y.E.S. (a youth services charity). Alongside Cosmopolitan, Jennifer has written for The Times, Women’s Health, ELLE and numerous other publications, appeared on podcasts, and spoken on (and hosted) panels for the Women of the World Festival, the University of Manchester and more. In her spare time, Jennifer is a big fan of lipstick, leopard print and over-ordering at dinner. Follow Jennifer on Instagram, X or LinkedIn.
