Experiencing unprecedented levels of dating burnout but not ready to give up the fight and go boy sober? Then perhaps it’s time to implement a little thing called intentional dating. While, yes, that term may sound a little therapy-speaky, we promise there’s real value here. Specifically, real value that will get you off the never-ending carousel of bad Hinge dates with people who are nowhere near on the same page as you in terms of what you want from your dating life.
Perhaps you’ve decided you want kids. Or maybe you absolutely don’t want kids and you’re tired of awful lovers telling you that you’d look cute as a tired mom and suggesting your work isn’t that important. Maybe you want to find a sugar daddy, an ethically non-monogamous relationship, or your forever person. It doesn’t matter what you want, but it does matter that you find a partner who can help you achieve the love life of your dreams. And intentional dating may just be the way to do it.
“Intentional dating is a remedy for the superficiality of modern dating,” says sex education expert Mariah Freya, founder of Beducated. “Instead of endless swiping, ghosting, and small talk, it emphasizes quality over quantity and depth over surface.” According to Freya, intentional dating is all about focusing on “meaningful connections with a clear vision of what you want.” Why? Because “knowing your goals and communicating them up front can significantly enhance your dating experience.”
But because that can be easier said than done, allow us to give you a little guide to the finer points of intentional dating, including its pros, cons, and tips for setting up your dating app profiles and implementing intentional dating mentality in real life.
What Is Intentional Dating?
“Intentional dating is a reflective and mindful approach when looking for a potential partner,” explains sexologist and sexual health and wellness blogger Tatyannah King, MSW, MEd. “Unlike a more casual approach, a person who dates intentionally is more likely to consider why they want to be in a relationship and what core values are important for them to sustain a relationship.”
Basically, intentional dating means figuring out what you want and then dating with the clear intention of finding a partner whose values, desires, and life plan align with yours. These reasons include wanting or not wanting kids, marriage, monogamy, or whatever long-term goals or deal-breakers inform or overlap with your romantic future. One may also intentionally date for less traditional reasons, like wanting to find a partner whose kinks align with theirs.
Either way, intentional daters don’t like to mess around. “They’re also more likely to favor quality over quantity when it comes to genuine connections,” King says.
Hardballing and Intentional Dating
A term frequently associated with intentional dating is “hardballing,” which, no, is actually not a sex thing.
“Hardballing means making your romantic intentions clear from the start, sometimes even before the first date,” Freya says. “This might include discussing how many dates before intimacy, long-term intentions, or partner preferences. While it might seem extreme, it can be a healthy way to communicate your goals.”
While some people do go as far as to put things like their family-planning preferences in their Tinder bios, you don’t necessarily have to pull a hardball from the get-go. For most people, hardballing means striking a balance. For instance, you may want to make it clear that you’re interested in the prospect of something ongoing rather than a casual encounter. Then, after a few dates or so, you can talk about the rest. “You don’t need to mention marriage and babies on the first date but can express that you’re looking for something serious,” Freya says.
What Are the Downsides to Intentional Dating?
Let’s get the bad out of the way. The downside to intentional dating is that, yeah, there is a chance you’ll end up with fewer partners or dates. But this “con” actually opens up your schedule more for finding the right person. And (we cover this extensively below) you might have to learn to deal with rejection as you weed out those who don’t make the cut.
“There are good and less good things about going on a date with intention, and it depends on where you are in your life and what you are wanting and if you even know that,” says Rachel Needle, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in West Palm Beach, Florida and codirector of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes. “Sometimes going on dates with an intention puts a lot of pressure on the date and makes it hard to be present and enjoy yourself.”
To offset this potential pressure, try to be intentional while intentionally dating, meaning practice mindfulness while being fully in the moment. Additionally, think about how much worse it is to waste your time with people whose desires don’t align with yours.
What Are the Benefits of Intentional Dating?
So many! Intentional dating saves you time. It gets you what you want out of life, which you so desperately deserve. The pros absolutely outweigh the cons. And not to mention, you can have a lot of fun while intentionally dating.
“Intentional dating is about the journey as much as the destination,” reminds Freya. “Embrace the process as an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery. Each step builds toward not just finding love but also enriching your relationship with yourself.”
How to Set Up Your Intentional Dating Profile?
Of course, you can intentionally date with the person you experienced a rom-com-worthy, real-life meet-cute with, whether you made eye contact on the subway or accidentally took one another’s order at Starbucks. But because dating apps are such a major player today, let’s talk about how to wield them to your advantage while intentionally swiping.
According to Freya, intentional dating starts with the profile. “Share your goals, visions, and dreams. This approach naturally filters out those only interested in casual hookups. This awareness creates a safe space for both partners to pursue each other genuinely and understand each other’s true intentions.”
If you don’t necessarily free like laying all your cards on the table in so aggressive of a manner. For instance, if you’re interested in a child-free life that prioritizes your career, write that you’re professionally driven and looking for a partner who shares that goal. Conversely, if you’re looking to white-picket-fence it, write that you value family and like a cozy life. Make your profile concise yet cutely honest, and then be ready to broach such topics after you meet them IRL and decide they’re worth your time.
What Are Some Tips for Intentional Dating?
Know Yourself
Before you can tell others what you want, you have to know yourself. You may already know exactly what you envision for your life, but if you don’t, you’ll need to sit down and get clear on what you want. “Create a list describing your ideal partner. Include nonnegotiables, things you are flexible about, and also more superficial desires about looks, body types, etc. This helps you know yourself and your goals better,” Freya says. It may also be useful to work with a therapist to help identify your needs.
Be Selective…but Not Too Selective
“Be intentional, but don’t be cutthroat,” says sex therapist and founder of Wise Therapy, Kelly Wise, PhD, LCSW-R, CST. “Use personality characteristics, shared life goals, and sexual chemistry and markers, not attractiveness or popularity, etc.”
So while you shouldn’t compromise on things like marriage, children, or any other factors that you deem critical, such as religious beliefs or kinks, don’t be afraid to be open to adjusting your height requirements if the right person comes along. (Sorry!)
Reframe Your Mindset Surrounding Rejection
Yes, you likely will attract fewer matches if you state outright that you’re not looking for a casual hookup or whatever leads you to intentional dating. But take heart in the fact that you’re saving so much time in the long run. Learn to see the potentially fewer matches as a time-saver.
It’s also important to note that even if you find the perfect person who checks every last box on your list, life (and other people) is unfortunately out of our control. It might take a bit of time to find exactly who you need.
“You could date to find a long-term partner, make your intentions known early on, and do everything ‘right,’ and things still might not work out in your favor,” King says, noting that, unfortunately, some people don’t always know what they want. “Have faith in knowing that rejection is just a form of redirection. Give yourself grace and celebrate the fact that you dared to explore what your heart desired. Then trust that your courage and openness will eventually lead you to exactly where you need to go.”
Communicate Openly
While you’re entitled to your secrets and privacy, when intentionally dating, it’s important to be clear about your goals and desires. “Be honest about your intentions, whether you’re looking for a serious relationship, casual dating, or something else,” Freya says. Otherwise, there’s simply no point.
Have Fun With It
And finally, remember to have fun. Let them buy you dinner or drinks. Pick somewhere cute for your date. Enjoy hot make-outs. Intentional dating does not equal boring dating!
