When Skye* saw the WhatsApp message flash up from her younger sister, Ruby*, her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly. Her heart thumped in her chest and her breath caught in her throat. She pulled over to compose herself, realising it was time to cut Ruby off for good.
‘We’ve always been polar opposites as people,’ says Skye, 27, of her and her sister who is four years her junior. According to Skye, Ruby increasingly stoked drama as a teenager until ‘it reached a point where it was hard to spend time with [her] parents if Ruby was around’. In a bid to avoid conflict, Skye reduced her visits home.
It wasn’t just that Ruby and Skye didn’t get on. It felt to Skye that her sister was surrounded by drama, often self-inflicted. ‘She’d exaggerate situations for attention, or she would drink excessively and say vile things about family members. She was erratic and grinding me down, so I slowly tried to lessen contact,’ says Skye. ‘Only then she’d fire off angry messages about how I wasn’t supportive enough.’
But when Skye realised the physical impact her sister was having on her health, and after speaking with a friend who knew them both, she realised any positives of having Ruby in her life were not outweighing the negatives. It’s been challenging, Skye caveats, especially as her mother still tries to put her in situations, such as family gatherings, where Ruby will also be in attendance without letting her know. But, for Skye, there’s no going back.
Skye’s position isn’t unique. According to Cosmopolitan UK data, sourced from more than 2,000 respondents, 58% of you have been cut off by a friend or family member, while 88% have cut someone off themselves. When we asked why, answers ranged from ‘moving away from negative energy’ to ‘it doesn’t matter how long I’ve known you, if you’re rude or our values don’t align, then it’s goodbye! It doesn’t have to be nasty’.
Others view cutting people off as the ‘ultimate form of self-care’. ‘Storytimes’ about breaking free from ‘toxic’ relationships abound on social media, and culling loved ones is positioned as an ‘empowering’ way of implementing boundaries. In the recent news cycle, we’ve seen Brooklyn Peltz Beckham amass headlines for his decision to sever ties with his parents, while the Prince Harry vs well, everyone? saga rolls on and on (and on).
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There’s no doubt implementing personal boundaries and expecting to be treated with a modicum of respect should be the bare minimum in any relationship, but cutting a family member, or even a friend, out of your life is a huge decision, one with far-reaching implications and a knock-on impact on your wider circle.
So, what has happened that so many of us are increasingly entering into it with such ease? Have we reached the point when the so-called village has been replaced by total individualism; a survival mode in which we’ve realised we can no longer afford to stay in contact with toxic people out of obligation? Or are we at risk of falling for a social media trend that sees armchair therapists reduce relationships to transactional exchanges rather than nuanced, evolving connections that depend on mutual tolerance?
To cull or not to cull?
There’s been a shift in how we talk about conflict. That’s how Subecca Sheikh – a family lawyer at Stowe Family Law, who regularly deals with fallouts and relationship breakdowns – sees it. ‘Everything is therapy talk. Everything,’ she says. ‘It always comes down to, “I just need to do this for my mental health, for my sanity.” The word “narcissist” is used so much, it’s like everyone’s become a psychologist.’
While Sheikh is clear no one should stay in an abusive or genuinely harmful situation, she believes there is now less tolerance for the strain that all close relationships bring. ‘Sometimes you do need to be uncomfortable for it to get better,’ she adds. ‘Working hard at something, including a relationship, can lead to something really beautiful.’
It was a resistance to this discomfort that led Rosie* to cut off her former best friend and housemate, Jasmine*, – and come to regret it four years on. The 31-year-old author describes their friendship as ‘intense at first, almost like when you’re in the early stages of dating’, and recalls how they bonded over their shared experience of being single in London. ‘We used to have the most fun. We’d spend entire weekends together going to yoga, then brunch, then on a night out.’ When a room in Rosie’s flatshare became available, she couldn’t message Jasmine fast enough. ‘That’s when things started to go wrong,’ Rosie reflects.
Shortly after signing up to move in, Jasmine lost her job and struggled with her mental health, returning to her hometown, miles away, to live with her parents. ‘Things started to get tense as Jasmine would send the rent over in dribs and drabs and was generally not communicating with me or our flatmates at all,’ Rosie says. ‘Messages went unanswered; she really isolated herself. I tried to help Jasmine, sending her links to jobs and asking around my network, but she was in a bad place. My mental health was also pretty low at the time, after a bereavement.’
Things came to a head when the pair decided to go on a weekend break with another mutual pal, but Rosie drank too much and started a fight in a club – Jasmine was horrified. ‘When I woke up, I felt disgusted. I ran straight to the airport to get an early flight home,’ Rosie admits. ‘After that, I told Jasmine our friendship was done, that things just didn’t feel the same. Looking back, I feel that maybe I jumped the gun and said that out of shame. I was overloaded by life and didn’t know how to deal with this one additional thing stressing me out, so I cut off the friendship hoping it would make me feel better. Ultimately, I’m not sure it did. Some of the happiest times of my life were spent hanging out with Jasmine.’
Now, as Rosie gears up to get married, she’s been reflecting on Jasmine not being there. ‘I would love to hear about her life, how she is, but I’m too scared to ask.’
Dr Joy Conlon, psychotherapist at Coyne Medical, worries that social media has pushed a cultural narrative that positions cutting someone off as the ‘default form of self-care’, and that sometimes we risk doing so prematurely.
‘Relationships inevitably involve misunderstanding and tension, and learning how to navigate those moments is an important life skill,’ explains Dr Conlon. ‘A healthy boundary is therefore less about removing people at the first sign of discomfort and more about thoughtfully deciding whether a relationship can be repaired, or whether distance is genuinely necessary.’
Despite these concerns, Dr Conlon says she often sees individuals try many approaches before cutting someone off entirely, such as explaining how they feel or creating rules such as only meeting them in a group setting – something Skye tried before going no-contact with Ruby.
‘Creating distance from someone can be a healthy boundary when a relationship repeatedly undermines a person’s psychological safety, dignity or sense of agency. In those cases, stepping back may be an act of self-protection rather than avoidance,’ says Dr Conlon. ‘Most people do not arrive at that decision quickly.’ But she warns against falling into the trap of a ‘curated emotional life’, and an expectation that relationships are always smooth sailing.
‘When that expectation takes hold,’ she says, ‘normal imperfections can start to feel unacceptable.’ And while social media can help us to articulate difficult feelings, it can also oversimplify an experience into an easily digestible piece of content.
When to say goodbye
To be on the other side of a cutting off can be deeply painful, says Natalie*, 34, whose best friend of 20 years, Hannah*, began phasing her out and ultimately ghosted her entirely after Natalie missed her birthday party due to being on a pre-booked holiday with a different friend. ‘I spent months wondering what I could have done wrong, but my messages went unanswered,’ she recalls. ‘It was worse than being ditched by a guy. It’s made me really analyse all of my other friendships.’
Reflecting on the situation some years on, Natalie adds, ‘Hannah was constantly cycling through new “best friends”. I thought I was safe as I’d “outlived them all” and we had so much shared history. I guess it was just my time on the chopping block, for reasons unknown.’
So, how can we be sure that cutting someone out of our lives for good is the right approach? Dr Conlon says to take time over the decision and try to pattern spot. ‘In genuinely harmful relationships there is usually a repeated behaviour that consistently undermines a person’s sense of safety or dignity,’ she explains. ‘The individual may feel chronically anxious, dismissed or confused, and attempts to address the issue tend to be ignored or met with blame.’ But, she emphasises, ‘even healthy relationships experience difficult periods. Stress, illness, work pressure or life changes can temporarily affect how people show up for each other.
‘The important difference is that both people remain capable of reflection and repair. When concerns are raised, there is space for listening, accountability and change, even if the process is not perfect.’
This, the psychologist says, can future-proof how you feel about a cutting-off decision later on, too – acting hastily can hurt more as time goes on. Equally, even the right decision can be painful and bring about a sense of grief, as well as relief – and it’s important to allow yourself to feel all of those emotions. If ‘relationships are repeatedly abandoned at the first sign of difficulty, people’s social worlds can gradually become smaller’, says Dr Conlon (so it might be worth pattern-spotting the wider picture of your decisions, too).
Through Sheikh’s work, she has noticed a value-based mindset take hold of relationships between those in their late 20s or early 30s. ‘If they felt like there wasn’t productivity coming out of a relationship or marriage, they would just be like, “We’re done”.’ It’s a striking choice of language – as though some relationships are now judged not just on love or loyalty, but on output.
For those torn, Dr Conlon recommends asking yourself three questions: is this a repeated pattern or a one-off situation? Have I clearly communicated how I feel and what I need? And what outcome am I hoping for by stepping away from the relationship? ‘Reflecting on these questions can help someone distinguish between a moment of emotional intensity and a deeper pattern that truly requires distance.’
Finally, Dr Conlon says to keep in mind not every person can meet every emotional need, so adjusting expectations realistically can help with maintaining a connection without repeat disappointment. ‘In many cases, small changes in boundaries or expectations can lead to healthier dynamics without requiring a complete break.’
In a world that encourages us to curate everything from our feeds to our feelings, the hardest thing may no longer be walking away, but learning the difference between a relationship that truly harms us and one that is simply imperfect.
* Name has been changed
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Jennifer Savin is Cosmopolitan UK's multiple award-winning Features Editor, who was crowned Digital Journalist of the Year for her work tackling the issues most important to young women. She regularly covers breaking news, cultural trends, health, the royals and more, using her esteemed connections to access the best experts along the way. She's grilled everyone from high-profile politicians to A-list celebrities, and has sensitively interviewed hundreds of people about their real life stories. In addition to this, Jennifer is widely known for her own undercover investigations and campaign work, which includes successfully petitioning the government for change around topics like abortion rights and image-based sexual abuse. Jennifer is also a published author, documentary consultant (helping to create BBC’s Deepfake Porn: Could You Be Next?) and a patron for Y.E.S. (a youth services charity). Alongside Cosmopolitan, Jennifer has written for The Times, Women’s Health, ELLE and numerous other publications, appeared on podcasts, and spoken on (and hosted) panels for the Women of the World Festival, the University of Manchester and more. In her spare time, Jennifer is a big fan of lipstick, leopard print and over-ordering at dinner. Follow Jennifer on Instagram, X or LinkedIn.
