As you may have heard, we live in a society. Specifically, one in which a little thing known as the “relationship escalator” dictates the standard course of events that are “supposed” to take place as a romantic relationship progresses—exclusivity, moving in together, getting engaged, marriage, kids, etc. And while I personally tend to prefer a more boutique (read: chaotic) approach to the game, I can’t deny that as far as the public (and the internet) is concerned, there are some generally agreed upon stages of dating most modern couples are likely to go through. And while moving from the talking stage to being official to meeting the parents and such is all well and good, those aren’t the stages I’m interested in nor the ones I’ve called you here to discuss.
Rather, I’m interested in what we might call the micro-milestones of modern dating—the unspoken but low-key monumental moments that quietly signal you’ve reached a new level of emotional investment in whatever your current situation is, even if it doesn’t come with an obvious promotion or title change. Unlike the steps on ye olde relationship escalator, these events needn’t (and probably don’t) signal anything significant about the state of your ’ship in the eyes of society, nor are they necessarily reserved for those in or on the way to “serious” relationships. These seemingly insignificant yet quietly intimate micro-stages of early dating can happen whether you’re navigating situationship territory (thoughts and prayers) or racking up labels on your way to the altar, and they don’t really have to happen in any particular order.
Either way, these are less the landmark events you document on Instagram and more the internal turning points where you privately realize, “Oh my god, I’m in love,” or “Oh fuck, I’m in love.” The moments when, from the outside, nothing has changed, but you (and perhaps only you) know that secretly, everything has.
1. You Realize You’ve Lost Track of How Many Dates You’ve Been On
The first several dates with someone you’re actually into, you’re actively counting—filing each one as evidence and running the numbers, drawing conclusions and formulating predictions based on your current stats. And then one day (usually around date six or seven, if I were to estimate), you realize you lost track—that you are no longer “going on dates,” you’re simply dating and will presumably continue to do so until further notice. No labels need be exchanged by this point for an understanding to be established that you’re no longer waiting to see if you’ll go out again after each date but rather assuming you will unless explicitly told otherwise. In other words, by this point, you are officially past even the most generous of ghosting windows. If you’re going to stop seeing each other, some form of breakup conversation is now required. (Ghosters, take note.)
2. You Actually Save Them in Your Contacts
Like, under their real name—not “Josh Hinge” or “Maybe: Jordan.” Anyone who has accidentally memorized the phone number of a prospective romantic interest you text frequently but remain too avoidant to actually induct into your contacts knows just how big a commitment this really is! To actually save someone’s number is to say, “Fine, I acknowledge that you are a real person and not merely a figment of my phone that I can permanently erase from existence at a moment’s notice should you disappoint me.” Huge!
An alternative is if you never actually save/change their contact and then it becomes a cute little running gag where you’re married with seven kids and they’re still, “Guy From Bar” till death do you part.
3. You Start Referring to Them by Their Actual Name Instead of Whatever Nickname You and Your Friends Gave Them
Now that you’ve acknowledged that they’re a real person to yourself and your phone, it’s only a matter of time before your friends find out. Maybe it’s purely a slip of the tongue or maybe you’re intentionally testing the waters to see how your friends react. But one day, suddenly, your romantic interest is no longer “Pringles Guy” or “The One With the Weird Shoe Thing” but an actual name—to which your friends will inevitably respond, “Wait, who the hell is Alex??”
4. You Impulse-Buy Them a Gift and Then Momentarily Panic About It
“Help, I just accidentally bought a boy a candle” is a real text I once sent my sister. I’d only known the object of my increasingly hard to hide infatuation for two months, but his birthday was coming up and he’d invited me to come to his party and meet his friends. So obviously, I couldn’t just show up empty-handed! Plus, the meeting-the-friends thing was a good sign, right? And I’d even seen him light a candle once! So it’s normal, right? Is this normal? Am I being normal??!
Another time, I was in the throes of a summer situationship with a man who was a little less into me than I was him (classic) when I stumbled upon a novelty pig-shaped corkscrew in a bookshop and became overwhelmed by the irresistible urge to buy it for him. What? He liked pigs, okay? Specifically, pig-themed kitchen decor. He even had a pig-shaped cutting board, I swear! Then naturally, I spent a week carrying it around in my bag, terrified that even just buying it—let alone actually giving it to him—had somehow jinxed the whole thing.
I should note that in both cases, it ultimately ended up being fine. Then again, I am not currently married to either of these men, so interpret that as you will.
5. Someone Accidentally Says, “I Love You”
It could be you; it could be them. Either way, someone lets an “I love you” slip out earlier than planned/expected and you either pretend it never happened or it becomes a make-or-break moment. (Honestly, even if you go the “pretend it didn’t happen” route, it’s probably still gonna make or break ya down the line.) This may sound scary. And frankly, it is—especially if you’re the one who just emotionally let one rip!
But here’s the thing: An “I love you” is rarely an accident and never a mistake. I don’t care if you were drunk or “got carried away” or “didn’t mean it,” because, yes, actually, you did mean it! However it happens, if an “I love you” bubbles to the surface, you meant that shit! And whatever the outcome, I promise it’s better to get it out there now than to hold onto it waiting for the “perfect moment.” Sorry, but there is no perfect moment to say “I love you” for the first time, nor is there any wrong one. There’s just the one when you do.
