Once upon a time, the second it hit 5pm, I’d close my laptop and head over to the dingy pub next to the office. I didn’t need to ask my colleagues – or, more specifically, my ‘work wife’, Josie – if they’d be joining; it was a given. So close were Josie and I that, at one point, while tightly bonded in an attempt to make our entry-level salaries stretch, we even rotated bringing in home-cooked lunches for one another in order to curb our Pret spending habits.
Commitment – I’m sure we can agree – to rival any real marriage. Now? While I certainly get on well with my colleagues – we’re supportive of one another, have a laugh and chat openly – it’s rare that we’ll all hang outside of our 9 to 5. I no longer have a Josie-level friendship with any one person, either. And it appears I’m not the only one feeling like there’s been a shift in workplace socialising or, to put it another way, a large-scale death of the work wife.
According to research by Nectar, which offers HR services to businesses, more than two-thirds of us are currently craving a closer bond with our colleagues (a number that rises to 80% for 18- to 24-year- olds). But while it might not bother some, according to experts, it could be cause for concern for others: having a person (or people) with whom you’re extra tight at work can not only boost your happiness levels, but also your productivity and team outcomes. Not having a workplace bestie can even contribute to a lack of employee retention and the risk of burnout.
If you’re a zillennial, chances are you grew up inhaling movies and TV shows such as How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days, The Bold Type or Grey’s Anatomy, which have enviable female-fronted workplace friendships that dominate the screen and plotlines – contributing to the idea that we all need a ride or die to gossip with around the coffee machine. Workplace psychologist Craig Jackson theorises the ‘work wife’ trope may even date as far back as the late 1800s; Prime Minister William Gladstone described his ideal secretary (who’d have been male) as his ‘office wife’ – someone on your side who offers great advice. Professor Jackson explains that equating platonic colleagues with spouses helped to foster mutual respect, civility and equality in their interactions.
While it’s a given that hybrid working has limited the amount of face time we have with colleagues, it’s also changed the way we’re conducting ourselves during those in-office days, argues Professor Jackson, with increasing numbers of us struggling with workplace distractions. He references the increased sales of noise-cancelling headphones ‘which may suggest offices are more insular, with people in their own microcosms ignoring colleagues’, he says.
There are other factors at play, too: your life stage (and whether or not it syncs with your teammates’), seniority in the workplace and finances all matter. ‘We used to go out together every Friday for work drinks, but that stopped after Covid – and a lot of us became parents, so it became harder in that sense, anyway,’ says Charlotte, a 33-year-old estate agent. ‘But we’re still a close team and message outside of work, despite rarely hanging out in person.’ For Charlotte, that feels enough and she’s happy in her role.
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During a difficult economic time, there’s also a growing sentiment that many of us want to save our precious leisure time and disposable income to spend on our ‘real’ friends. ‘I work for the NHS, and while I gossip about anything and everything with my co-workers, we tend to only socialise at Christmas,’ explains pharmacy technician Lizzie, who’s 29. ‘We get nothing funded, not even said Christmas party, which makes it harder, given the cost of living crisis.’
The phrase ‘It’s lonely at the top, but the view is amazing’ is also true – and rising through the ranks can see your invites to post-work wines dwindle. It even has its own term: executive isolation, says Professor Jackson. ‘Friendships can suffer when one friend becomes “anointed” and the other doesn’t. One thing that won’t win senior managers any friends is complaining about how tough their job is. Problems are supposed to go up and not down.’ So, if you’ve been promoted, it might be time to reach out to those of a similar seniority to you instead, if you’re longing for deeper workplace connections – or join in at the pub and keep work talk to a minimum.
It’s not all doom and gloom across the board, though: 39% of people say they actually are satisfied with their workplace friendships, according to BetterUp’s recent data, and view bonds with colleagues as being more important today than pre-pandemic. One such person is Laura, 33, a SEN teaching assistant who recently served as the maid of honour to a work friend. ‘We see one another day in, day out. Some colleagues are also my best friends and biggest support system. If our pub trips can’t be weekly, it’s every other week.’
So, if you feel as though the vibes simply aren’t, well, vibing – what else can you try to foster connections? Having a (contained) bitch or taking on a mammoth team project, Professor Jackson says, can go a long way. ‘Social cohesion and mutual support increases when all parties are “suffering” together and focusing on team goals. Tough times make for strong, loyal bonds between workers. Even if it’s low-level griping about the workplace, that is an important activity [but don’t let it get out of hand].’
We can also take comfort in the fact that our employers should be shouldering some of the burden and helping us to forge connections, too, adds Alan Price, CEO at BrightHR. ‘Companies should step up by organising social events.’ Just make sure you’re RSVPing ‘yes’ to them when those invites come around.
But if you’re not fussed about having a work wife, that’s cool – data says that when workers have ‘good’ relationships with five friendly colleagues, that’s enough to feel adequately connected and joyful in your career. So, if the work wife is dead, perhaps she’s been replaced by a new, healthy, boundaried workplace era – and that’s okay by me.
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Jennifer Savin is Cosmopolitan UK's multiple award-winning Features Editor, who was crowned Digital Journalist of the Year for her work tackling the issues most important to young women. She regularly covers breaking news, cultural trends, health, the royals and more, using her esteemed connections to access the best experts along the way. She's grilled everyone from high-profile politicians to A-list celebrities, and has sensitively interviewed hundreds of people about their real life stories. In addition to this, Jennifer is widely known for her own undercover investigations and campaign work, which includes successfully petitioning the government for change around topics like abortion rights and image-based sexual abuse. Jennifer is also a published author, documentary consultant (helping to create BBC’s Deepfake Porn: Could You Be Next?) and a patron for Y.E.S. (a youth services charity). Alongside Cosmopolitan, Jennifer has written for The Times, Women’s Health, ELLE and numerous other publications, appeared on podcasts, and spoken on (and hosted) panels for the Women of the World Festival, the University of Manchester and more. In her spare time, Jennifer is a big fan of lipstick, leopard print and over-ordering at dinner. Follow Jennifer on Instagram, X or LinkedIn.
