At just 24, Layla* has found herself in a bit of a sexual rut. It’s not necessarily that she’s lacking the opportunity for sex — but more the desire for it. “My current sex drive demands effort,” she says. “It feels like being invited to a themed party when I don’t have the right clothes. I could go, but the effort of preparing, getting into the right mindset, and then actively participating outweighs the desire to show up.”
It hasn’t always been like this; Layla noticed a major drop in her libido about a year ago, when she went freelance as a writer and researcher. Since then, her work has been non-stop. “Work demands my full and constant attention,” she explains. “Deadlines, personal projects, and ideas for new projects render me drained by the end of every day, making it very hard to be present or physically engaged, even if I’m very attracted to someone. I could lie in bed with them and still nothing. The minute I know I have a deadline coming up, my libido totally switches off.”
There are few recent concrete stats on the state of young British women’s sex drives, but, anecdotally, more and more of us seem to be increasingly put off sex. In Cosmopolitan UK’s 2024 sex survey, 19% of you said you were dissatisfied with your sex life, while 55% of you want to be having more sex, and 27% of you wish you had more energy for sex. In some cases, today’s dire dating scene is to blame, killing (mostly heterosexual) women’s desire for anything romantic — hence the rise of voluntary celibacy and ‘boy sobriety’ — but in many cases, it’s just life getting in the way.
This shouldn’t necessarily come as a surprise. We know that things are pretty shitty for young people right now, who are lonelier, unhappier, and more stressed than ever. Stable employment is harder to come by, as is a work-life balance once you do have a job. The cost of living, renting, and socialising has skyrocketed in recent years. And social media, on which we spend hours every day, is awash with polarising misinformation, including unhealthy dating advice. It’s no wonder, then, that only 43% of those aged 18 to 24 say they’re sexually active — modern life doesn’t sound particularly titillating.
And yet, when, like Layla, you’re single and in your 20s — a time when you expect your romantic life to be more vibrant than ever — it can feel particularly confusing and unfair to feel, well, nothing much at all.
“For many women I’ve worked with [who are experiencing low libido], the most common feelings are that something is deeply wrong with them, then guilt about how they’re affecting their partner, and then fear that their partner will leave them,” says sex and relationships coach Lucy Rowett. “It can be a really isolating experience.”
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But, asserts Rowett, it’s important to remember that it’s completely normal to have libido ebbs and flows in life. “Many women think of their sex drive as something that just comes and goes; something they have very little influence over, like the weather,” she says. “Actually, it’s something we have a lot of influence over. I love the analogy that your libido is like the canary in the coalmine of your overall health, wellbeing, and relationship happiness — meaning that if it tanks, think of it as a sign that something needs more support, rather than you being ‘broken’.”
This can be a difficult thing to tell yourself, though. During the midst of her recent libido dip, 32-year-old Veronica* started to think she’d either got the ‘ick’ for her partner or was perimenopausal. “I realised my sex drive had dropped because I’d cringe and avoid my partner when he initiated sexual content,” she says. “I avoided the discussion with him, and just resigned myself to feeling this way forever.”
When she really thought about it, though, the real cause was obvious: over the last year, she’s been working long hours and living in the middle of a building site during a house renovation, all the while her boyfriend has been out of work. When Veronica finally had a working kitchen and bathroom, she said her sex drive gradually started to return. “I’ve gone from a year of almost no sex drive to suddenly having erotic dreams again and having sex with my partner two or three times a week,” she says. “I feel human again! I’m relieved that I didn’t have the ‘ick’ for my partner! Our relationship feels more fun, light-hearted, and exciting again.”
This tracks with the experience of most of the women I spoke to. For 22-year-old Shaira, for example, it’s stress, overthinking, and a messy house that mostly kill her sex drive. “If there are clothes everywhere and my brain already feels chaotic, then I’m not exactly channelling my seductive side,” she says. “Nothing kills the mood like visual clutter.” On the flip side, she adds: “When everything is balanced, I feel confident and affectionate. I’m most at my element when I’m emotionally connected and relaxed.”
According to Jo Coker, a psychologist and the director of therapy and training standards at the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (COSRT), everyday stress is one of the most significant libido killers. And, for heterosexual couples in particular, one of the main daily stressors can be the unfair division of domestic chores and childcare. “Unequal distribution of household labour within a relationship [can hugely impact a woman’s sex drive],” explains Coker. “Stereotypically in heterosexual relationships, it’s the woman doing it all. Caring for young children, managing a household, or looking after ageing parents can lead to chronic fatigue, leaving little energy for sex.”
It’s easy to see how this may have come into play in Valerie’s relationship: she’s working all day as the sole breadwinner but still having to liaise with the builders at night. Feeling like you’re the one doing it all isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac. As 23-year-old** Viv*, whose boyfriend takes no responsibility around the house, succinctly put it in an interview with Cosmopolitan UK in 2024: “My body doesn’t feel physically turned on being around him, as I feel like I’m parenting him.”
Of course, sometimes the reason for a drop in your libido isn’t as clear cut as stress, relationship conflict, or fatigue. And, when you can’t immediately identify the cause(s), it can feel like the problem is you — a blame game that women in particular play.
This rings true for 28-year-old Jessie Gretener, whose desire for sex “fell off a cliff”, as she puts it, a few years ago. At the time, she was training to become a sex coach, and so not only “felt lost personally”, but also “like a fraud professionally”. “It was confusing to navigate studying how great sex can be while lacking interest in having it,” she adds. “I felt like there was something wrong with me [for not wanting it].”
In truth, there were multiple factors at play. But she only realised these in hindsight — in part, thanks to her training. First, Jessie says she was “juggling hormonal health issues, burnout, and [the stress of] switching careers”, and so she “lacked the physical and emotional capacity” for sex.
The second factor was more existential. “In my early 20s, my sex drive barometer was shaped by social messaging rather than how I actually felt about sex, pleasure, and intimacy,” she explains. “One of the misconceptions I had was that a high sex drive was determined by numbers, such as how many people I’d slept with or how frequently I had sex.” And so, when her sex drive dropped and she had “no urge for self-pleasure”, she says she “still tried to seek pleasure with others because [she hadn’t had sex for] six months, and that felt too long to go without sex”.
She realised that her lowered interest in sex was partly because she’d stopped enjoying the sex she was having. “The most important thing was dropping the ‘should’s,” reflects Jessie. “By which I mean, no longer focusing on what I ‘should’ look like or how I ‘should’ act during sex, [or how often I ‘should’ be having sex and with who]. I had to learn to lead with what felt good for my body, rather than with the unhelpful thoughts in my head.”
Historically — and still to this day — women’s pleasure has come second to men’s, and so many of us who date men are still on a journey of learning what we like, want, and what feels good for us, rather than what the men in our lives might want from us. “We’re not only socialised to be the caretakers and fixers, but also to believe that it’s more important for us to be desirable to men than connected to our bodies,” agrees Rowett. “Add to that a history of relationships or hook-ups where you weren’t listened to or felt pressured into doing things you didn’t want to do, it’s the perfect storm to throw cold water on your libido over time.”
For Jessie, reconnecting with her body involved very little actual sex. “I did breathwork, went to saunas, exercised, and practiced more self-love,” she tells Cosmopolitan UK. “I started exploring what felt good in my body through self-pleasure, and then with others. By shifting the focus to my body as the recipient of pleasure, rather than a vehicle for pleasure, I completely changed why I wanted sex — [and how I had it].”
In some cases, though, it’s your body — and what you’re putting into it — that’s the problem. Anti-depressants, for example, are a key cause of low libido. And not just because that’s a side effect of the medication. “Pre-anti-depressants, I had a much higher sex drive,” says 29-year-old Fleur*. “I used to be turned on before initiating sexual activity with someone, whereas now I know it won’t come mentally and needs to be encouraged physically. I have days without any desire at all and an inability to enjoy masturbation.”
Not just that, but the weight Fleur has gained while taking anti-depressants (also a side effect of the medication) has impacted her body confidence, and therefore her sex drive. “It can make me feel very self-conscious, which makes it harder to get out of my head and into the act,” she explains. “I still have to work on not removing myself mentally from sex, especially when my mental health is poor.” That has long been the cruel irony of anti-depressants: you might help one issue but inadvertently create another.
So, for whatever reason, what are the signs that your libido has dropped? And what can you do about it?
According to Rowett, low sex drive can start with finding yourself too busy and tired to have sex. “You might find yourself filling up your calendar and to-do list with lots of things that you convince yourself are far more important, and then before you know it, it’s been weeks or months since you’ve thought about sex,” she says. “It can also just be feeling very ‘meh’ or disinterested in anything sexy — or the thought of it either feels completely unappealing, too much effort, or even highly stressful.”
The first step to identifying the cause is to rule out anything physical, explains Rowett, whether that’s medication changes, hormonal changes, like PMS, PMDD, perimenopause, pregnancy/postpartum, or nutritional deficiencies. “Then think about how much rest, play, and time you have when you’re not in work or mum mode,” she continues. “Then think about what current big life stressors are going on for you, and whether now is the time to ask for more support and give yourself more nurturing. Then think about your relationship — what’s the quality of it? How’s your communication? Do you feel more like housemates than lovers? Remember that it’s probably a combination of many different factors, not just one.”
Once you have an understanding of why your sex drive might be lower than usual, it’s typically simplest to start with health and lifestyle factors, like changing medications, eating healthier, having a more active lifestyle, and actively trying to reduce stress. And then the more difficult stuff: communicating with your partner (which Coker stresses is the most important thing if your libido is tied to relationship issues — and, well, just a key tenet of all happy relationships), seeking help for any mental health issues, whether professionally or not, and being kind and gentle with yourself. “If you don’t feel safe in your body, your body won’t feel safe enough [for sex],” concludes Rowett.
As for Layla, she’s currently, as she puts it, “at peace with [her] current state”. “It could make people sad, but to me, it doesn’t feel distressing,” she says. “It could be challenging if I were to enter a serious relationship, but I’ve been upfront with the people I’ve dated during this time.” What helps, she adds, is planning dates and sexual encounters “five to 10 days” ahead of time. “That allows me to get enough done, mentally prepare for a break, and to show up fully.”
Below, Coker shares a list of the key factors that might dampen women’s libidos.
The 17 key factors killing women’s sex drives
- Conflict and lack of connection. Unresolved arguments, lack of emotional intimacy, and poor communication with a partner are major and common factors.
- Relationship longevity. The ‘honeymoon phase’ often wears off, leading to a decrease in the sexual excitement that fuelled the initial phase of the relationship.
- Unequal division of labour. Unequal distribution of household labour within the relationship — stereotypically in heterosexual relationships, it’s the woman doing ‘it all’. This also does occur in same-sex relationships when one person bears the brunt.
- Partner’s sexual health issues. If a partner has sexual difficulties (such as erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness, UTIs), which can lead to stress or avoidance of sexual intimacy.
- Daily hassles and stress. Everyday stress is a significant libido killer.
- Fatigue and exhaustion. Especially caring for young children, managing a household, or looking after aging parents, which can lead to chronic fatigue, leaving little energy for sex. This can be particularly hard in the ‘sandwich care period’, i.e. caring for children and aging parents at the same time.
- Lack of privacy. A lack of space or privacy in the home can prevent intimacy and spontaneity.
- Medications. Many prescription drugs can reduce libido, including SSRI anti-depressants, blood pressure medication, antihistamines, and some hormonal contraceptives.
- Menopause and hormonal changes. Falling oestrogen levels during perimenopause and menopause can cause vaginal dryness, making sex painful. If so, you might need lubricants and perhaps Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).
- Pregnancy and breastfeeding. Changes in hormone levels during pregnancy and after childbirth can significantly affect desire.
- Painful sex. Conditions like endometriosis, Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID), or infections (UTIs, yeast infections) can make sex painful, leading to a loss of desire.
- Alcohol and substance use or abuse. While a small amount of alcohol may increase your sexual desire, excessive consumption or recreational drug use can damage libido.
- Physical activity levels. Either too much or too little exercise can cause a decrease in libido.
- Body image. A poor body image or insecurity about weight loss/gain can prevent a woman from wanting to be physically intimate. This may be especially heightened since the toxic prevalence of weight loss medication.
- Cultural/religious beliefs. A strict upbringing or religious, cultural, and social beliefs that frame sex in a negative or restrictive way can influence desire. If sex before marriage is not permitted, it can impede performance when it is allowed.
- Past trauma. A history of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse can have a lasting, direct impact on libido and conception of sexual behaviours.
- Wrong sex and/or sexual partner. A person may have assumed heterosexuality, but actually may be attracted to a same sex partner. Or they may be asexual/aromantic.
*Names have been changed
**Age at time of interview
