Once something watched in secret and rarely discussed, porn has had quite the moment this year. Although arguably not for the right reasons: controversial age verification checks were recently brought in to prevent underage users from viewing X-rated content (having a knock-on effect on over 18s, too), and the government banned pornography showing strangulation or suffocation as part of plans to tackle violence against women and girls.
No matter how many restrictions legislators put on porn, though, research shows that over half of all adults in the UK watch it. And while there are some studies which suggest heavy or compulsive use can harm mental health and sexual satisfaction, there are still plenty of benefits when porn is accessed appropriately. Positive impacts of watching porn include stress relief, a boost in confidence, and, ofc, sexual pleasure, to name a few — and these benefits don’t have to be enjoyed alone, as watching porn with a partner can help improve the quality of your relationship, too.
And yet, because most of us tend to keep our porn habits private, the idea of watching porn together can be intimidating, especially if you’ve never done it before. How do you broach the topic with your partner? How do you decide what to watch together? What are the logistics of watching while, you know, doing sexual stuff?
So, to help you out, we asked Kate Moyle, sexual and relationship psychotherapist, certified psychosexologist, and LELO’s resident sex expert, about the benefits of watching porn with a partner and for advice and tips on exactly how to do it.
How to initiate watching porn with a partner
If you’d like to bring up the idea of watching porn with a partner, Moyle says the best time to have this conversation is “outside of sex where there is no pressure or expectation to have to respond a certain way”.
“It should also be approached as an open question and not a request or a demand,” she adds. “If your partner feels like you are raising it as a topic because you are dissatisfied with them or your sex life, or as a replacement or criticism of them, then it’s unlikely to be a positive discussion.”
Boundaries for couples to consider before watching porn
“If you’re deciding to incorporate pornography into your relationship, then it’s about setting boundaries about it and knowing that you both have the right to suggest or say no to it,” Moyle explains of the boundaries couples should consider before bringing porn into their relationship.
“One partner should not feel pressured by the other into doing it,” she goes on. “This can actually have a detrimental impact on sex, relationships, and desire if one partner feels that their needs are being overlooked or ignored in favour of the other partner getting what they want.”
As for whether there are any red flags to look out for, Moyle says it’s important that porn is only introduced freely and when wanted. Avoiding reliance on porn is key, too, she adds. Otherwise, this could inhibit “other ways of becoming aroused or you having sex”.
“Equally,” Moyle continues, “it should not be used as a tool to compare or judge. Most of the sex during pornography is not representative or realistic of the sex that most people are having in their everyday lives. It’s designed as adult entertainment and to arouse, and it’s important to stay reminded of that.”
Second to ensuring both partners consent to watching porn, the enjoyment of it needs to be consistent. “If it stops being fun, or becomes a source of worry or discomfort for one or both of you, then you need to question what you’re using it for,” Moyle advises.
Best feminist porn sites for couples
Moyle points out that feminist pornography platforms such as Erika Lust and FrolicMe are paid-for platforms that “support more transparency over their codes of ethics and values, and performer welfare and compensation”.
“They are also female-run businesses with female film and creative directors bringing diversity to their content, and equality to pleasure representations,” she explains.
“If you are unsure what pornography you might be interested in, you can always explore a website together, or decide on a theme that you are both interested in as a place to start,” Moyle adds. If video pornography feels “too much”, Moyle suggests playing it with the screen turned away or tuning into audio porn instead. Some of the expert’s audio porn site recommendations include Quinn, Dipsea Stories, and Ferly. You could also experiment with reading erotic stories out loud to one another (and you can find your source material right here at Cosmo!).
What to do if your partner isn’t into porn
“Like any area of our sex lives, coupled experiences are about the dynamic, and what you both bring to that,” Moyle says of finding a middle ground that feels safe, consensual, and enjoyable when watching porn with a partner.
“One partner being more enthusiastic isn’t in itself a problem, but how you respond to and action it is the important bit,” she adds. “If one partner is less enthusiastic, try to understand why that is: Did they have a previously dissatisfying experience with it? Does it make them feel insecure? Or are they inhibited by worrying about what you will think of their porn tastes?”
And speaking of what they like — or don’t like — in porn, Moyle notes that you don’t have to jump in at the deep end, especially if you or your partner prefers something more ‘hardcore’ than the other. “[Watching porn is] something you can develop, adapt, or change at any point of your sex life,” she says. “It’s an ongoing conversation, not just one discussion and it’s done.”
To begin with, LELO’s expert advises that you start with what you both feel is comfortable and, most importantly, safe. That might be just listening to audio porn or only having porn on for an agreed amount of time before carrying on without it. “Feel your way with it,” Moyle adds. “You don’t have to have it all worked out the first time you try.”
To that end, Moyle also reminds us that: “Couples don’t have to be perfectly aligned on their views on the topic or their preferences, but they do have to be open to hearing each other’s perspectives.” This, she adds, gives you both something to discuss further and explore, but is particularly important if the answer is not what you’d hoped.
Benefits of watching porn with a partner
One of the benefits of watching porn with a partner — providing both feel positively towards doing so — is that it can spark a discussion on what you both are or aren’t interested in exploring. According to Moyle, watching porn with a partner offers couples the opportunity to “explore each other’s other desires and try something new together”.
Beyond that, Moyle points out that porn can, quite literally, spice things up in the bedroom. She says that “novelty” and the “breaking up of routines” can both be “real positives” for your sex life. “Being curious and exploring together can build more sexual confidence and then further curiosity,” she adds, before reminding us: “But it’s important that it’s mutual, and has buy-in from both partners.”
Here, seven people talk about the benefits they’ve noticed since watching porn together.
1.“I’ve watched porn with new partners a few times — typically at the start of a situationship, when I’m getting to know someone. I find it helps us learn what the other person likes without having to actually try it. Failing that, it’s also a funny way to open up conversations about sex.” — Jasmine, 34
2. “The first time my wife and I watched it together, it opened the door for me to ask her questions and learn more about what turns her on. Something like, ‘Would you ever want to try that?’” — via Reddit
3. “Me and my husband have been together for eight years, and we use [porn] as foreplay. At first, it was a little awkward because we didn’t know what the other liked watching, but eventually it became easy. I feel like it really does help you get to know your partner inside and out. There are no secrets, and now we know what exactly we like, which has made our sex so much better.” — via Reddit
4. “I often watch porn with my boyfriend, and find that it really amps up my sexual arousal and desire. I especially like watching it while he’s going down on me, because it sometimes takes a lot of brain power to shut my mind off and lean into my pleasure enough to orgasm, and so watching porn can help immerse me in the moment and enable me to totally let loose.” — Pippa*, 31
5. “My husband and I do this a lot! It can be really sexy and fun, and bring you closer together as a couple. Sometimes he or I will accidentally end up picking a video that isn’t great or a big turn on, but we just turn it off if we’re not feeling it. We both really enjoy the experience!” — via Reddit
6. “My fiancé and I watched porn together within the first weeks of dating. It only brought us closer and helped us show each other what we like best and do not like at all. We still do occasionally to spice things up!” — via Reddit
7. “I’ve only watched porn with one guy in the past, but it was really insightful to see the kind of porn he enjoyed watching on his own. I can often be quite uneasy when talking about sex for the first time with a new partner, so letting him show me his ‘favourite’ types of porn was a great way to start a conversation about what I would be interested — and, more importantly — not interested in trying together.” — Sasha, 29
*Name has been changed
