Stress is something we all deal with from time to time and can be brought on by many different factors. Big life changes (like moving house), deadlines at work, financial pressures, strained relationships, and health issues are just some of the reasons we may feel stress at any given time. Even our daily habits, including how much caffeine we drink or how much sleep we got the night before, can impact our stress levels.
Physical and mental symptoms can show up when we feel stress, like difficulty concentrating, headaches or dizziness, and problems in the bedroom. “When we’re stressed, our body and brain prioritise this response over keeping us happy or concerned with parts of our lives like pleasure,” explains Kate Moyle, sexual and relationship psychotherapist, certified psychosexologist, and LELO’s resident sex expert.
“Our sympathetic nervous system, which governs the body’s ‘fight or flight’ response to stress, gives us an increase in adrenaline and cortisol, and psychologically we might feel quite wired, distracted, or unable to switch off,” she adds. “All of these responses are productive and essential in the short term, but when they become chronic or more long-term, they can have a more negative impact.”
How does stress impact sex?
Moyle explains that while a lot of people experience stress as a “major inhibitor” to their sex lives, some people may use sex as “a form of stress relief” and so their sexual interest increases.
If stress is negatively impacting sex, Moyle says changes might manifest as “people being more distracted, either outside of or during sex, which can interrupt sexual enjoyment, pleasure, and, at the more severe end, functioning and orgasm”. She goes on to say that the most commonly reported impacts of stress are a lack of desire, lack of enjoyment of sex, and an inability to stay in the moment. But, she adds, there are social factors that cannot be ignored either. For example, working so late that partners are not going to bed together or a disruption to usual routines.
Temporary dips vs deeper relationship issues
If you’re wondering how to tell the difference between a temporary dip in desire due to stress, or a deeper issue within your relationship, Moyle has some insight.
“Whatever we have going on in our lives, desire is always both fluctuating and demanded by context — desire is not a fixed state or entity, and we shouldn’t expect it to be,” she says. “A temporary change to your sex life is completely normal.” To determine whether this change is something to worry about or not, Moyle says you should avoid focusing on how long it’s been since you and your partner last had sex, and instead think about whether you have faith that, when times are less stressful, your desire for each other will return.
“It’s also about determining the difference between a breakdown in intimacy or a stress response,” Moyle advises. “The bigger predictor of that is how couples think, feel, and communicate about it; and if they can re-prioritise this part of their relationship when they feel that they can and have capacity.”
How to reduce stress before sex
“Much of this is about environmental cues and triggers, but simple strategies can help,” Moyle says of how to reduce stress before sex. “Huge amounts of modern stress come from the demands that most of us feel by being constantly notified and alerted to the fact that something is required of us, which is [often] through our devices.”
For example, Moyle explains that “having your phone audibly buzzing on your bedside table is going to be a distraction”.
“Many of us just jump from one job and context to another, with no transition, so have a think about what usually helps you and apply that to your sex life,” she suggests. “Whether it’s listening to music, having a shower, or eating together with eye contact and conversation — anything that helps you to switch context from being ‘on’ to turned on.”
Moyle also emphasises the importance of removing the pressure: “Give yourself some time to physically connect with your partner without expectation — that’s also the perfect opportunity for responsive desire to be triggered.”
How to talk about stress with a partner
If one partner is stressed and the other isn’t, what’s the healthiest way to communicate needs without causing pressure or guilt? “The first point is that nobody should be having sex when they don’t want to,” Moyle says. “Don’t start from the position that sex not currently happening is a problem to be fixed in one person, or discussing it like an accusation — it’s about the dynamic and what’s happening between you.”
“Don’t attack a lack of sex in each other,” she continues. “Instead, be on the same team against the stress and work together to see what can help by also validating each other’s experiences. This means that both partners feel heard, and that is much likely to elicit a sense of closeness and open up opportunities for sex, desire, and intimacy.”
Importantly, Moyle notes that feeling as if sex itself is a stressor is “only going to add to the stress and mental load”. To work around that, she advises to “try and communicate about the feelings you feel you’re missing out on at the moment”, because “this is much more likely to initiate an open conversation”.
This article is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice or diagnosis. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
