“Sometimes he’ll suck cock with me,” says 28-year-old Melrose* of her husband. “Those times are my favourite. He prefers to be involved, but ultimately he’ll be satisfied if I am. In his words, he likes [me being] ‘a big slut’.”
Melrose and her husband have been together for 12 years — they are, in an Americanism, ‘high school sweethearts’ — and, for much of their relationship, she’s been sleeping with other men. “He brought the conversation up,” she says. “Big surprise, I know. It was from a standpoint of wanting to tell me what he found hot and exciting, which was sharing me [with other men].”
Although this dynamic is one of many under the increasingly omnipresent ethical non-monogamy umbrella, it also has its own name: hotwifing, which is when a married couple (though the term can be applied to non-married people, too) agree that the wife can have sexual experiences with other people — all with the husband’s knowledge, support, and sometimes even participation.
Melrose and her husband had no experience with non-monogamy before this, so decided to start off slowly. At first, Melrose would just talk dirty to random guys online, then she’d flirt in person; soon she was giving hand jobs or head to other men, and eventually the pair started meeting people together. “We mainly find people online — my husband is more involved that way and vets them for us to meet — but also through swinger parties or at adult cinemas, which are more on my terms and an immediate connection.”
Self-described cuckolding expert Adreena Winters, a sex educator, adult creator, and author of So, You Want to be a Cuckold?, says that lots of men and women enjoy hotwifing because of the “honesty and liberation” that comes with it. “Women’s sexual needs are often overlooked or sidelined in relationships, and for some men, there’s a lot of pressure to perform or live up to certain expectations,” she explains. “Opening things up allows both partners to breathe. The wife gets to explore her full sexuality, and the husband can still feel connected and involved in her pleasure without the pressure to be everything for her.”
You might be more familiar with hotwifing’s sister kink, cuckolding — particularly if you watched season three of The White Lotus earlier this year (remember Greg?) — which is when a man watches his partner have sex with another man, known as a ‘bull’.
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The two are often conflated, and, while they share obvious similarities, there are distinctions. First, in hotwifing, the partner may not or may not watch the extramarital sex, but in cuckolding, watching or listening to the act is integral to the experience, especially as part of the thrill for the cuck (the partner) is feeling ‘humiliated’ by his wife having sex with another man.
What’s more, explains Winters, there’s different power dynamics at play in each. “Hotwifing is about shared pleasure and mutual consent, where both partners enjoy the experience of the wife being desired and fulfilled,” she explains. “Cuckolding, on the other hand, introduces a power exchange. The woman takes control, and the man’s pleasure often becomes secondary or even irrelevant. He might find satisfaction in service, chastity, or denial. The distinction matters because not every couple is drawn to that power-based aspect. Hotwifing can exist purely as an expression of sexual freedom and connection between equals.”
Still, Melrose says hotwifing does make her feel powerful, in part because it’s given her “a lot of confidence” in herself and her body.
Over the last few years, talk of non-monogamy has been everywhere. It’s been the topic of a hit reality TV series (Channel 4’s Open House: The Great Sex Experiment) and West End play (Unicorn), the subject of numerous books, and most recently, the sore subject at the heart of Lily Allen’s internet-breaking new album, West End Girl.
But, beyond White Lotus, there’s fewer cultural nods to hotwifing or cuckolding specifically — and yet, according to a 2020 survey by social psychologist Justin Lehmiller, it’s a relatively common fantasy, with 40% of heterosexual and 58% of non-heterosexual women fantasising about being a ‘hotwife’, while 52% of heterosexual and 66% of non-heterosexual men fantasise about watching their partner have sex with someone else. “Women are more likely to fantasise about being watched than they are about watching their partner,” Lehmiller explained at the time. “Women in general are more likely than men to picture themselves as the object of desire in their sexual fantasies.”
Although this fantasy isn’t new, Winters says it’s becoming increasingly popular among a new generation of couples, partly because it’s less stigmatised (so more men in particular are comfortable to admit it), but also because women are increasingly sexually confident, while many men have learned that their sexual focus can be connection, rather than performance. “Young women don’t feel they have to be passive or quiet about their desires,” she says, “and hotwifing naturally fits into that sense of agency.”
So, what exactly do hotwives like about this kink? How do they make it work with their partners? And what advice do they have for other couples wanting to try it?
“I like the shameless power trip that comes from having absolute freedom over my sexuality, and absolute control over his,” says 30-year-old Brooke*. “I like that I don’t have to downplay my own desires to spare anyone’s feelings, and I take great pleasure in the fact I can explore them as fully, and even obnoxiously, as I want with the knowledge that my husband will still regard me as his queen the next day.”
Brooke and her husband moved into hotwifing shortly after they decided to mutually open up their relationship. “It very quickly became apparent that I was having far more success finding thirds than he was,” she tells Cosmopolitan UK. “It eventually got to the point where I said to him, ‘You know, if you don’t find your own side partner, you’re basically letting yourself get cucked’, to which he blushed… hard. That moment awakened something demonic in me because we’ve only ever escalated things from there.”
The couple experiment with both hotwifing and cuckolding, incorporating humiliation and degradation into some of their sessions — which Brooke describes as “a bottomless well of creative catharsis” — but Brooke mostly sees her bulls alone. There are strict rules, though, notably that she doesn’t ‘date’ her bulls, nor spend time with them outside of vetting, coordinating a session, and the actual encounter. The couple also have a ‘green room’, which is a physical room where they can have frank and sober discussions as husband and wife. “There are no ‘bulls’, ‘cuckolds’, or ‘hotwives’ in the green room,” she explains. “There are no ‘sessions’, and no kink dynamic of any kind. It’s been invaluable to us as we’ve explored this lifestyle together.”
Whether couples do it in a physical space or not, Winters agrees that open communication and some sort of ground rules are essential for those looking to get into hotwifing — and non-monogamy more broadly. “You don’t have to jump into it,” she says of those thinking about entering the lifestyle. “Start by talking about fantasies, watching something together, or even exploring online scenarios. The main thing is to communicate constantly, be honest about how you’re feeling, and set boundaries that feel safe. The couples who handle it best are the ones who are emotionally secure and genuinely open to hearing each other, even when something feels awkward or confronting.”
This can often be easier said than done. Even those who’ve been hotwifing for years say they still have their challenges. “Even though I believe my husband and I are very good at communicating with each other, both in general and concerning this lifestyle, it’s not possible to foresee everything that might happen or how we might react beforehand,” says Sofia*, 39, who’s been hotwifing for seven years. “Accordingly, we’ve learned a lot over the years about what does and doesn’t work for us.”
The couple started off with just one rule — that sex must be protected — but these various challenges have led to the creation of new ones over the years, including that Sofia doesn’t stay the night at her bulls’ houses and, for safety reasons, she has to be attentive with her phone while she’s out with other men, especially new hook-ups.
And then there’s the false idea that non-monogamous people don’t experience jealousy; that they’re ‘wired’ differently to monogamous folk. This, of course, isn’t true — but they do have to be better at dealing with jealousy. “We’ve had outside partners try to go too far and, on the flip side, [I’ve gone] too far with outside partners,” says Melrose. “In both instances, those partners were cut off because boundaries were crossed, and that’s not how we choose to operate.”
Despite the hurdles, Melrose, Brooke, and Sofia all say the lifestyle is worth it — both for them and their husbands. “You can have your cake and eat it too,” Sofia says of why she enjoys it so much, adding that there’s sexual benefits in her marriage, too. “It’s added an exciting new element to our intimacy. Plus, the more I enjoy great sex, the hornier I become, which increases my desire for sex with my husband as well. It’s also made me more dominant — I like to talk about my experiences with other bulls during sex, which is a great turn-on for him as well.”
If you’re turned on by the thought of ‘hotwifing’ but don’t want to open up your relationship, that’s entirely valid — and there’s ways to satisfy the fantasy without taking it all the way and involving someone else. “Role play, share hotpast stories (AKA telling your partner about your sexual history), maybe go to a club and let your partner get just a little carried away on the dance floor,” suggests Brooke. “There are countless steps between flirting with hotwifing and letting another man fold you like a lawn chair in front of your husband. Take them all, one at a time.”
If you do decide you want to take it a step further, Brooke has one golden rule: both partners get an unlimited and inalienable veto. “Anything you aren’t both on board to try, is a no,” she says. “Anything you’ve done before, but one of you changes your mind about later, is a no. If your partner gives you the thumbs-up, but you sense a tinge of hesitation, believe it or not, it’s a no. It’s your relationship. You have strict-liability to ensure it works. If you can make peace with the possibility that it might not be for you despite your willingness to try, then by all means go for it, otherwise, maybe stick to fantasy for now.”
Now for the logistics. Let’s say you’ve been intrigued or, dare I say, turned on by the experiences of Melrose, Brooke, and Sofia — how would you go about getting into the hotwifing lifestyle? And more specifically, how would you find a bull? Read on for some of Sofia’s top tips.
First of all, she says, regardless of whether you or your partner manages the process: “Always be picky. Quality is the number one priority!” With that in mind, Sofia says there are three main ways to find bulls:
- Ask someone you already know. “A person you know and trust gives a whole different feeling of security than finding a stranger. But you need to take into account that the experience with this friend of yours might not be as amazing as you’ve fantasised about beforehand. Or, what if you and the friend really hit it off and want to continue seeing each other on a regular basis? Will everyone involved be able to handle developments in any of these directions? Accordingly, it’s important to think through how your ‘normal’ relationship with this particular person will be after your shared experience. A middle way is to start out with a man who either of you knows, but who’s not a close friend and someone you hang out with on a regular basis.”
- Find a stranger when you’re out at a bar, club, or on holiday. “If you’re considering this option, it’s of foremost importance that you talk it through before — and don’t expect too much. I believe a better option is to agree beforehand that the wife can do whatever she feels like (or whatever you’ve agreed upon) if the opportunity comes. Then go out and enjoy yourself and have a great time. If anything happens, it happens, if not, you’ll still have an amazing time together.”
- Look for a bull online. “The first step is to create a [dating app] profile that is clear and sincere: explain what kind of set up you have at home and what you look for in a bull. When you get replies, be prepared to scroll through a lot of idiocy — but when you do see an interesting message, first go and check out the guy’s profile to make sure the message and the profile match. That is, if you get the same feeling from both and that you like what you see and read. If you get a good impression and you feel like you’re looking for the same things, then it’s time to meet up. Always meet at a public place and be clear that the first ‘date’ is about all three of you getting to know each other. I’d say meeting for a coffee or drink is a good idea. If all steps are positive and everyone feels ready, just go for it!”
*Names have been changed
