He asks long, and inquisitive questions. The type that shows he really cares. He offers advice that’s kind, but honest. She truly trusts him, and she doesn’t care what the rest of her family thinks. Her new lover may have had a bit of a rogue past but he’s changed now, for her. The one issue? That so many people seem to have a problem with… He’s a ghost.
I first heard about Spectrophilia (having a sexual attraction, or sexual experience to ghosts) a few years ago when a relative of mine divulged the details of her new boyfriend: a 100-year-old Spanish pirate called Juan*. I’ve actually — and this is the first time I’ve ever given a pseudonym to a ghost — changed some details, with my relative’s story. This is to protect her (also, myself! I don’t really want to be pissing off a ghost) as those who come forward and speak about their stories of this phenomenon are often trolled and made fun of.
I get it, it’s very hard to believe. But, when you speak to people who have had this experience (whether it’s more long-term, like my relative, or a one-night-stand type-of-thing) to them, it feels very, very real. The internet is awash with stories of spooky sexual encounters and Matthew McConaughey, Kesha and Lucy Liu all have said they’ve got down and dirty with a ghost. So, what’s going on? And… is ghost dick good? I decided to find out.
Things that go bump in the night
“I can’t remember his face, no offence to him… but I’ll never, ever forget his body.” Three years ago, one hot (very hot) August night, Sami-Jo woke up and felt the presence of a man in her bed. Despite her eyes being closed, she was very much awake, and could feel that she was in her room, and that she wasn’t alone.
Eventually, she opened her eyes. There was no one there. Feeling safe, she tried to go back to sleep. But, the man came back. “He was really hot, and jacked… I won’t go into too many details but I was in my room, and it was realistic to the point where I had morning breath and he moved his head to the side, to avoid my breath!” she says. “I was awake… and then, after an amazing feeling, he was gone.”
Still sleepy, and rubbing her eyes from, well, whatever the hell that was, Sami-Jo took to social media, recounting the experience and asking her followers for help. “I kinda caught feelings quick! Did I just hook up with a ghost? Can any mediums connect me to my new boyfriend?”
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Two paranormal experts — Patti Negri, an intuitive psychic and good witch, and Loyd Auerbach, a parapsychologist and paranormal investigator with 45+ years of experience in the field — both say that stories of Spectrophilia are rare, even in their line of work. “When it does come up, it’s very important,” explains Negri. “The people who experience it are usually confused, embarrassed, or afraid of being judged. This isn’t something most feel comfortable talking about with friends or family.
“Spectrophilia — like regular sex — can be positive or negative, consensual or not. Those who have distressing or non-consensual encounters usually want to know how to stop it. Those who have positive, loving experiences want to understand it without guilt or confusion.”
On Reddit, there are plenty of confused people, like Sami-Jo, looking for answers. There’s the man who says he “felt a cold presence floating down towards me, playing with my pecker” that resulted in an experience that “felt better than anything”. And the woman who says she saw a hand appear under a blanket and give her boyfriend a hand job (she checked, it definitely wasn’t his hands.) In the morning, her boyfriend told her this had happened before. As for the celebs, Kesha told Ryan Seacrest that her song ‘Supernatural’ is “about experiences with the supernatural, but in a sexy way. I had a couple experiences… I don’t know his name. He was a ghost! I’m very open to it”.
Then there’s Amethyst Realm, who has appeared in multiple tabloids and on This Morning with her stories. She says she’s had 20 paranormal lovers throughout her life and was even getting engaged to one. It can be very easy in today’s attention economy to dismiss those like Realm, and the stories told online, as just for hits or clout — but both Auerbach and Negri were keen to point out that Spectrophilia has appeared in folklore and legends for hundreds of years.
“From ancient Egyptian ancestor reverence and Greek gods visiting mortals, to Japanese yūrei legends and Victorian ghost-lover tales, humanity has long been fascinated by love that transcends the body,” explains Negri. “In modern metaphysical thought, these experiences are understood as energetic or spiritual connections, not necessarily physical events. Whether viewed as psychic phenomena, deep dream encounters, or energetic exchanges, they open conversation about how intimacy and consciousness might extend beyond the veil.”
But before I go any further exploring what (or who!) this phenomenon could be, first some explanation as to what exactly a ghost is. “A ghost has many different meanings in different cultures, but, generally, the idea of a ghost or an apparition is someone’s consciousness that has survived the death of their body and is sticking around in the physical world and interacting in some way, shape or form, with people and the environment,” explains Auerbach. “We know that ghosts are not optical; you can’t take a picture of them and it’s why not everyone can see them. They don’t reflect or give off light. They are not physical in that they do not have a physical, or even a ghostly body. The best thing to say is it’s like a free, floating consciousness and how people see or hear or feel the apparition is more of a mental connection.”
He tells me a story of being “patted” on the back by a ghost, with a cameraman behind him the whole time. While Auerbach felt the sensation of the pat, the puffy coat he was wearing at the time had absolutely no movement on it at all. He used this example to demonstrate that, whatever is happening sexually between humans and ghosts, “it’s not actually a physical relationship. It’s possible that in [someone’s] mind, there’s a telepathic connection, which includes the sensation of being touched. It’s mental contact and with mental contact anything can happen.”
After Sami-Jo shared her story online, she tells me that she heard from people with more knowledge of the paranormal who suggested that it could have been a demon (one comment under her video reads: AN INCUBUS IS A DEMON AND IT WANTS YOU TO THINK IT’S GOOD BUT IT’S AN UGLY DISGUSTING DEMON!). An incubus, in paranormal speak, is a demon said to take on a male human form, and is said to seduce women into sex, while a succubus is a demon who takes on the female form to seduce men and drain them of energy.
Sounds more scary than sexy but while Negri has come across non-consensual encounters in her line of work, she says that “when it’s a positive, consensual experience — it feels amazing. Both men and women often say it’s some of the best intimacy they’ve ever had. Because it’s not limited to the outer skin or the physical body, it’s felt throughout the entire being — body, mind, and spirit. There’s a full-body energetic immersion that can feel blissful, euphoric, and profoundly connecting.”
If you like the sound of that, and want a ghostly orgasmic experience, I’m sorry to report that there’s no ghost-version of Hinge. “[Spectrophilia] is very rarely reported to us, and part of that is because people are generally afraid of ghosts, rather than wanting to establish a relationship with them,” explains Auerbach. “What we know about apparitions is that they are very rare, in terms of the ones who stick around (the majority of them are people you knew, right after their death). For the most part, the apparition doesn’t really want to stick around, as they have other things that they need to get accomplished in their afterlife.” In short: ghosts are booked, and busy. They’ve got better things to do than wait around to pleasure humans. Been there, done that!
Friendly ghosts?
The convenient thing about Juan is… he always agrees with my relative. He compliments her and makes her feel really good about herself, while her husband just sits, watching TV and paying her little attention. When I tell Auerbach about Juan, he says: “The thing is… we don’t see a lot of Spanish pirates hanging around.” (Remember! The ghosts have better things to do!) “There’s no knights in shining armour. One option could be that the ghost is actually pretending to be a pirate because it’s more romantic.”
So, she’s being catfished by a ghost? Is there no escape from the horrors of dating? “The other option,” Auerbach adds. “Is that she could have created [Juan] herself. Like kids do with invisible friends, it’s therapeutic. People do create a view of reality that’s different from what actually is going on, to step aside from the negative aspects of their lives.”
Negri tells me that these sorts of encounters and most common in those who are “lonely, grieving. It can also happen during times of emotional vulnerability or awakening — when the veil between worlds feels thinner. It’s less about seeking it out, and more about an energetic resonance that attracts it.”
It feels far more likely that Juan is a psychological reaction to her environment, a literal ‘dream’ boyfriend to occupy her thoughts and provide comfort. “I don’t know if it’s really healthy that the only physical relationship or only relationship you have is with the ghost,” adds Auerbach. “It’s not healthy psychologically, even if it might be okay physically. So I think that that’s something people should keep in mind, that there could be something more going on.”
But what if it’s not a reaction to loneliness, or trauma? Many of the one-off experiences happen at night, but are reported to feel more than a dream. “I hear this a lot from my clients,” explains Ian Wallace, a dream psychologist. “It’s quite a normal phenomenon. These experiences can largely be attributed to sleep paralysis — a state between waking and sleeping where people can experience vivid hallucinations, chest pressure, and an inability to move. The brain remains partially conscious while the body is paralysed, creating realistic sensory experiences, combined with hypnagogic or hypnopompic hallucinations,” he says. “Cultural context often shapes how people interpret these episodes, whether as demonic visitation, ghostly encounters, or alien abduction. While deeply felt by those who experience them, these phenomena are generally understood as neurological rather than supernatural occurrences.”
There is also another explanation, that’s also rooted in the paranormal: something called ‘place memory’. This is a concept in parapsychology that theorises that information can be stored in the environments, and then retrieved through paranormal means. “I always describe it to people as that sense you get when you walk into a place, that has nothing to with décor. It’s like you’re picking up on the emotions of the people themselves, who have been there before,” explains Auerbach, before telling me of two stories where place memory could have been behind a paranormal experience.
One was a couple who moved into a new home, and were woken up, at 3am every night by the sounds of people having sex, loudly in the next room. It wasn’t their neighbours, and they involved Auerbach to investigate, thinking it could be ghosts. He eventually tracked down the old residents of the home, who, it emerged, due to their work schedules would often have sex at exactly 3am. “They had left an impression behind, which the new owners could hear.”
The other was from a student of his, who stayed in a hotel and was woken in the middle of the night by someone jumping into her bed. “He was trying to sexually get at her.” She jumped out of bed to find that there was no one there, and got dressed, went downstairs, and spoke to the night manager who told her he’d heard other similar things happening in that room. “After some investigation it turned out that a rape had occurred in that room, in that bed, a few years before. But the perpetrator wasn’t dead, he was in jail. An impression was left behind.”
The realms of belief
Sami-Jo’s mystery man didn’t visit again, and she’s accepted that it was, most likely, a form of lucid dreaming. And the one thing sceptics, and those who believe in the paranormal agree on, is that it’s best if you do experience a ghostly sexual encounter, to think of the more, realistic options first. Boring, I know!
But, if you do think a ghost, or apparition, has had their way with you, sexually, there are some things you can do. “If it’s a negative or unwanted experience, banish it right away. You must claim your power. I always remind people that this is our realm, not theirs, and spirits have to play by our rules,” Negri says.
“Most people don’t realise that and end up giving their power away. If it’s positive and consensual, enjoy it — just stay balanced. My one red flag is not to let it take over your life. Ghostly lovers can be wonderful, but talk about ‘geographically undesirable’ — you can’t bring them home for the holidays or out to dinner! Keep your feet on the ground and your heart open. It’s okay to have these connections, but don’t let them replace real, living human relationships.”
Still, whatever your individual experience, or belief system is, the wild world of Spectrophilia certainly adds a new meaning to ‘being ghosted.’
Catriona Innes is Cosmopolitan UK’s multiple award-winning Commissioning Editor, who has won BSME awards both for her longform investigative journalism as well as for leading the Cosmopolitan features department. Alongside commissioning and editing the features section, both online and in print, Catriona regularly writes her own hard-hitting investigations spending months researching some of the most pressing issues affecting young women today.
She has spent time undercover with specialist police forces, domestic abuse social workers and even Playboy Bunnies to create articles that take readers to the heart of the story. Catriona is also a published author, poet and volunteers with a number of organisations that directly help the homeless community of London. She’s often found challenging her weak ankles in towering heels through the streets of Soho. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
