It’s no secret that there comes a time in most romantic relationships when couples stop having as much sex as they used to. This doesn’t mean it always goes from 100 to zero, but once the so-called ‘honeymoon period’ is over — when you’re maybe having sex multiple times a day — that initial intense passion and infatuation often gives way to a slower-paced, more comfortable partnership that inevitably changes your sex life.
This is very normal! Plus, aside from being together for longer, there’s loads of reasons why a couple’s sex life might dwindle a little: life stress, mental health struggles, certain medications, body image issues, etc. Essentially, if you and your partner are having less sex — or even no sex — for spells at a time, that doesn’t always mean that something is ‘wrong’.
In fact, as relationship therapist Marianne Johnson previously told Cosmo: “There is no rule for how long is too long without sex in a relationship. There are plenty of different ways people can be happily attached to one another, in a way that works for them. Some couples don’t have sex at all and will report being perfectly happy with that.”
And yet, that doesn’t stop us worrying and overthinking when it happens in our own relationships — and, seeing as most of us love to know that we’re ‘normal’, it can be really helpful to hear from other couples about how their sex life has changed over time.
So, we thought we’d ask women (and crowdsource Reddit) to tell us about the last time they had sex with their partner, how often they typically have sex, and how they feel when they’re going through a sexual dry spell.
11 women on the last time they had sex with their partner
1. “My girlfriend and I have been together for four years and we last had sex last week. How often we have sex varies, but it’s usually once or twice a week. We have gone through dry spells before and I used to worry when we’d go a month without having sex, but now we have much better communication about it, and so I know it’s natural for us to go through patches where it’s less. Sometimes life gets in the way!” — Lizzy*, 31
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2. “I’ve had sex with my partner once in the last 12 months. We know what’s wrong and are working together and individually to fix it. It’s something that’s been an issue in our relationship for years. It’s brought us closer together and we are still romantic in our ways, but we are glad that sex does not define our relationship. Never going to be a deal breaker, my partner is my person.” — via Reddit
3. “I’m actually not sure when my boyfriend and I last had sex, but I think it’s around three weeks ago. He’s had the flu though, so that’s played a role. But in general, we don’t have sex as much as we used to (after five years together), partly because my libido has been affected by medication I’m on, but also because we’re so busy that we’re often not at home at the same time or we’re too exhausted to have sex. It doesn’t worry me though because I know that our relationship is in a good place — and we’ll have sex more again when we’re not so stressed or ill.” — Frankie*, 29
4. “We do long-distance, [but it’s been] five months. I’m quite lax on the subject and it all depends on how the relationship is going. Any issues will be discussed between me and him. The most important thing is communication. It’s usually me with lower libido or health issues. It just doesn’t take a lot of sex to keep me satisfied and it’s key to be with someone who’s compatible with that. If we lived closer or together, it would likely occur more often naturally, but we’re not at that stage right now.” — via Reddit
5. “[It’s been] one month, but it was due to me having a busy schedule and being terribly sick for two weeks, then my husband injuring his back weight lifting. Never really thought about a deal breaker time limit, and I hope I never have to.” — via Reddit
6. “I’d say my boyfriend and I probably have sex once every week and a half on average. We’ve been together for three and a half years, and we last had sex last week. Sometimes when we go through a dry spell, I know it’s specifically linked to something that’s causing it. Work stress, general anxiety or depression, health worries etc. In these times, I find it easier to rationalise the dry spell. It’s definitely discussed within our relationship but can be contextualised.” — Sherin*, 28
7. “I don’t know [the last time we had sex]. Lesbian bed death is so real though. I just self maintain at this point.” — via Reddit
8. “I masturbate a few times a week. He and I have sex a few times a month. If he’d just figure out how to stfu and stop saying stupid shit that turns me off or catching bullshit attitudes for no good reason, he’d get laid so much more.” — via Reddit
9. “My girlfriend and I have been together for four months and the last time we had sex was at the weekend. We usually have sex two to three times a week because we don’t live together, but we’d definitely like it to be more. We’re still early days in our relationship and we’re pretty much all over each other, so we haven’t had a dry spell yet, but because sex is important to both of us, we’re trying to work on our communication to avoid one of us feeling rejected when one inevitably comes.” — Naomi*, 25
10. “I’m 33, and my husband and I have a seven-year-old and a four-year-old. Sex is two to three times a week, masturbation is like once a week. That being said, we started dating at 19. We’ve had times where we had sex every day (sometimes more than once), and we’ve had times where we did it once or twice a month. Life together is a marathon with all kinds of phases.” — via Reddit
11. “We’re about twice a month and we have a happy and very loving relationship. Our libidos match each other and we work very high stress, high pressure jobs. At the end of the day, I’m not looking to get laid. I wanna be in my jammies with good food and cuddling.” — via Reddit
*Names have been changed. Some responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.
