Just like there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to good sex, we all have our own ideas of what it means to be ‘bad at sex’. For some, being bad in bed might = being selfish in bed. For others, it might be a lack of enthusiasm, communication about desires, or not sharing particular kinks. For someone else (or, okay, everyone), bad sex might look like Will from The Inbetweeners pogo-ing up and down on top of you, no hands.
But is there really such a thing as being categorically bad in bed? And, if you find yourself dating someone who doesn’t cut it in the sack, what can you — and they — do about it?
“When we picture someone being ‘bad at sex’, we probably imagine someone bumbling and fumbling in terms of sexual technique,” says adult sex educator and coach Ruth Ramsay, “but I’d define it as someone who’s not interested in their partner’s pleasure: not listening to what they’re saying, verbally and with their body language, and not trying to understand or provide what they want.”
Interestingly, Ramsay says being ‘bad at sex’ could also look like “not being able to focus on one’s own pleasure”. She adds: “If we flip the question to what is being ‘good at sex’, we can see it is about co-creating an experience that both/all partners enjoy. It’s not only about what pleasure we give our partner, but what pleasure we allow ourselves.”
So, good news: there’s hope for everyone yet. As long as we’re all willing to listen, learn, and put that into action, we can all hopefully have rich and fulfilling sex lives! If you’re not there yet, though, don’t worry — we (and Ramsay) gotchu.
Why might sex be ‘bad’?
Beyond being ‘bad’ in bed, there’s lots of reasons why someone might be dissatisfied with the sex they’re having with a partner. Ramsay says the complaints she hears the most from clients are:
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- ‘My partner doesn’t initiate in the way I want to’
- ‘My partner doesn’t seem interested in my pleasure at all’
- ‘I’ve told my partner what works but they don’t do it’
- ‘My partner isn’t up for anything new or adding in any variety’
What she rarely, if ever, hears is: ‘My partner’s body isn’t right’ (penis size, body shape, body size, etc.), or ‘My partner doesn’t stay hard enough for long enough’.
In some cases, it might be difficult to figure out exactly what’s getting in the way of making the sex you’re having great. Whether it’s something to do with how you’re approaching it or something your partner is or isn’t doing, it’s always helpful to first try and tune in to your own wants, needs, and desires — and then take it from there.
“We are so conditioned by what we see in the media and popular culture about what sex is, that we can lose touch with what actually turns us on,” says Ramsay. “Go on a journey of self-exploration around what works for your mind — explore audio erotica, ethical porn, written erotica, think about what turns you on in mainstream TV. Then go on a journey into what works for your body, experimenting with different types of touch, toys, and speeds on different areas of your body — from taking ages over a sensual experience to having a quickie with yourself.”
It’s very easy to see both sex and masturbation as a goal-oriented activity — and to get stuck in that routine. But focusing on orgasm only can take away from the pleasure of the journey, and even rob you of the chance to learn more about what feels good on the way to building up to climax (which will inevitably make the climax even better).
How to talk to your partner about bad sex
Experimenting alone enables you to not only figure this out, but also to offer clarity on what’s missing in your sex life and what exactly you want from it should you ever need to broach the topic of ‘bad sex’ with a partner.
This can often feel like, as Ramsay puts it, “an impossible conversation to have”. So, here’s her tips to get through it.
- Lead with the positives: “Rather than talking about the reasons you are dissatisfied and the things you don’t like, focus on suggesting new things to try or a new mindset to have.”
- Focus on ‘we’: “Make it clear the intent is about you both experiencing more pleasure.”
- Show and tell: “It can be useful to find an outside piece of content” — say, an erotic written/audio passage, an example from porn, a clip from a film or TV show — “and then talk about that.”
- Timing is everything: “Open the conversation when you’re relaxing privately together, but not actually in the act!”
How to improve your sex life (together!)
First, says Ramsay: “If your sex life together is a bit crap, realise that it’s likely not your fault. We don’t get anywhere near a decent sex education, and what we see on screen, both mainstream and porn, is not a representation of what good sex actually looks like. So drop the blame and guilt.”
Then, as well as experimenting sexually alone, Ramsay recommends going on “a journey of education with podcasts, documentaries, and books”. If you have the means, you could even get bespoke support from a sex coach, or, she adds, “if there’s trauma in your past that you haven’t moved on from, seek a sex therapist”.
Ultimately, though, this is likely something you need to work on with your partner. Ramsay says the main question she gets from couples is, ‘How can we relight our spark and have more fun together in bed?’, which is a good place to start.
What is getting in the way of your sexual spark? You could take into account: stress, fatigue, mental health struggles, grief, body image worries, illness, infidelity or betrayal, resentment, the list goes on. How can you first work together to tackle influences outside of sex?
How can you improve your communication skills around sex? As Ramsay says, sexual frustrations can often come from “a breakdown of communication”. “If a couple can talk [openly] and understand each other’s viewpoints, they can often move together towards a mutually-designed sex life that they both enjoy.” Be explicit in conversations about what you like and what you want more of. The same goes for acts during sex — tell your partner when something feels good or when something’s not working. Be curious about their desires, too, and ask questions.
Next, what can you do to enhance sensuality in your non-sex life? “Understand that sex is not just penetrative intercourse, but a whole range of erotically pleasurable activities together,” says Ramsay. As the saying goes: good sex starts outside the bedroom. What can you do to enhance sensuality in your non-sex life? You could think about flirting, sexting, and making more of an effort to touch each other; to be intimate. You could do small gestures for each other, whether it’s a household chore they hate, buying them a surprise gift, or planning a date.
And finally: practice what you preach. Remember what each other likes and (as long as it’s safe and consensual) actually do it. You might want to experiment with new positions, places to have sex, watching porn together, introducing toys, etc.
Can a relationship survive sexual incompatibility?
Let’s say you’ve tried it all and the sex is still bad: does that signal the end of your relationship or fling? How important is sex in romantic relationships?
“The importance of sex in a relationship depends on each couple,” says Ramsay. “For some, it is genuinely not a big deal for either of them. For others, it is a vital glue within the relationship. Incompatibility happens when one partner wants sex much more frequently than the other, or places a very different value upon it. Or if one partner is very kinky and the other is very vanilla. In extreme cases, if, for example, one partner realises they are asexual and the other is highly sexually driven, the choice might be moving towards a form of ethical non-monogamy, or the relationship coming to an end.”
She continues: “‘Compassionate consent’ (one partner saying ‘yes’ to sex they don’t really want to please the other) or ‘compassionate celibacy’ (one partner going without sex even though they want it because they don’t want to pressure their partner) can work for a while when there are other focuses in the relationship, such as bringing up a young family. But it’s not a sustainable option over the longer term.”
Sexual incompatibility usually doesn’t exist in a vacuum — if your sex life is dwindling or suffering, there’s likely something else at play. Once you figure out what that is — whether it’s personal or something you need to work through together — then you can turn your attention to improving your sex life or deciding if the relationship itself is working out.
“What I see again and again in my coaching is that if two people love, like, and respect each other and get joy from pleasing each other, these perceived incompatibilities don’t have to spell the end of a happy sex life,” concludes Ramsay. “Great sex over the long term means getting creative and curious as our bodies [ourselves, and our lives] change.”
