If you’re looking for a way to make sex more intimate and connect with your partner on a whole new level, welcome to the wisdom of the lotus sex position. Also known as the yab yum position, it’s part of ancient tantric tradition and incorporates touch, breath, and both parties’ undivided attention to connect at the deepest levels. Sound intense? It kind of is! (In the best way possible, ofc.)
“The lotus position facilitates emotional intimacy and erotic vulnerability,” says founder of Austin Concierge Therapy, Sara Sloan, an AASECT-certified marriage and family therapist and certified Imago therapist. “When couples face each other, eye to eye and heart to heart, it creates an energetic loop between two people, while playing with their erotic energy.”
The lotus is part spiritual practice, part really intense, intimate sex. The idea isn’t necessary to have orgasms, though you certainly can. It’s more about slowing down, being fully present with each other, and beholding the energy between you. “When trying a new position, we tend to rush into it because we want to arrive at orgasm. But if you slow down, you’ll tune into and discover new sensations (sound, touch, taste, sight, temperature), and this can heighten pleasure and connection,” says ASTROGLIDE’s resident sexologist, Jess O’Reilly.
To begin, sit facing each other with your legs and arms wrapped around each other. Pause for a moment to take each other in. “Start by breathing in sync as you gaze into one another’s eyes,” says O’Reilly. If you want to make it less genital-focused, you can stay at this level for as long as you want. Place your hands on each other’s heart and let yourself experience each other. “It’s a wonderful position to just practice eye-gazing, syncing your breath, or passionate kissing,” says sex expert and psychologist Jenn Gunsaullus.
When/if you’re ready for more, start moving slowly against each other — it’s more grinding than thrusting. Feel free to add anything else that will enhance your experience. “You don’t get points (or pleasure) for being a purist when it comes to positions, so change this one up in any way that works for you,” says O’Reilly. “Add a pillow beneath your backsides, use the headboard for support, use toys or lube to heighten sensation, or play with sensory options (like blindfolds, ice cubes, silk scarves, or warm water) to change things up.”
How to incorporate sex toys
Yes, the lotus is a deep, spiritual position, but it’ll feel even better with some well-placed toys. Nipple clamps and butt plugs are good, but vibrating toys are even better. “The vibration helps add to the intensity of the physical experience, which increases the mental and emotional one,” says Sloan.
For vulvas, opt for something strong and rumbly. Sloan suggests the Doxy wand vibrator. If you’re working with a penis, try a cock ring. “Since there isn’t deep level of thrusting, vibrating penis rings work well for additional stimulation and intensity,” says Sloan.
Ready to go deep? Here are some ideas to get you two to that sweet, sweet higher plane of consciousness.
1. The OG lotus
Your partner sits on a flat surface (think: on the bed or on the floor) with their legs crossed. While facing your partner, sit on their lap, get as close as you can, and wrap your legs around their torso. Then your partner tucks their legs under you. Wrap your arms around each other and feel your chests melt together. (Pro tip: this position works best if you put the stronger person on the bottom.)
2. Office chair yab yum
If flexibility is an issue for either partner, try doing the Lotus in an office chair. One partner sits in a chair, the other sits facing them with their feet on the floor to control the grinding motion. Each person places their hand over the other person’s heart, and you can use the free hand to hold your partner’s neck or a wand vibrator, says Sloan. Maintain eye contact to strengthen the connection.
3. Yab bum
The lotus works as an anal position, too. Just have the person on top lean back a little to give the penetrator a better angle of entry and more access to stroke the top person’s penis/vulva. And don’t forget the lube!
4. The double yum
If you want some extra clitoral stimulation, lean back onto your hands to open up your body. Encourage your partner to use their finger to stimulate your clitoris or try a bullet vibrator to make it extra spicy. This is also good if all the eye gazing is becoming a little too intense for either of you.
5. The face time
“You can assume this position without penetration, simply for the pleasure of being close and enjoying one another’s bodies,” says O’Reilly. In this variation, focus on caressing each other’s faces. “The thin skin on your cheeks can be highly sensitive (and erogenous). If you’ve ever felt an orgasm tingle through your face, you know how sensitive it can be, so take some time to touch one another gently and sensually.” If you decide you want to take it further, grind against each other and/or bust out a wand vibrator for some outercourse.
6. The rocking lotus
Get an even more intimate vibe going by holding each other very close and adding a gentle rocking motion. Rock together or take turns controlling the motion. Heighten the feelings of connection and passion with moans, heavy breathing, or some whispered words of love or dirty talk.
7. Lone lotus
If you’re solo, you can still embrace sensual mindfulness via the Lotus Life Meditation, a practice developed by certified somatic sex educator Pamela Madsen, founder of Back to the Body. Cup your vulva with your hand and rock back and forth, immersing yourself in the sensations and noticing any feelings that come up, physically and mentally. Cum or don’t come, this is between you and your vulva and the Universe.
8. Take the W
If all that skin-to-skin contact gets you to a point where you really need to cum (like, ASAP), move apart a little and hook your legs over each other’s so you’re forming sort of a W shape. From here, you can masturbate together, masturbate each other, throw down with duelling toys, or whatever else will get you there — it’s up to you and your now deeply-connected-souls (and groins).
Taylor is the former Sex and Relationships editor who can tell you exactly which vibrators are worth the splurge, why you’re still dreaming about your ex, and tips on how to have the best sex of your life (including what word you should spell with your hips during cowgirl sex). You can follow her on Instagram here.
Jill Hamilton is a contributor for Cosmopolitan.com and writes the blog In Bed With Married Women.
