Expert consulted: 
How do we know how to have sex? Unfortunately, we’ve been conditioned to think sex has to be shout-the-house-down, swinging-from-the-chandelier incredible every single time (and that it has to end in orgasms). But this is one of the most potentially harmful myths surrounding sex that is steeped in so many levels of bullsh*t it’s ridiculous. And it’s part of the reason we’re all wondering how to have sex properly and whether we’re doing it right.
“The truth is, we all have so-so sex, even with partners who are incredibly special to us,” says Annabelle Knight, sex and relationships expert at Lovehoney. Knight says the first thing you need to know if you’re wondering how to have sex is that “your sexual happiness improves for you and your partner(s) if you constantly develop your techniques”. So, here’s how to do that and have the best sex.
How to have sex: A guide for first-timers
Before we get into having the best sex you can, some of you might be wondering about the very basics of sex — like, how does it happen? How do you have it? What are the pre-sex essentials you need to know?
“The lead-up [to sex] can look different for everyone, but there’s usually some kind of build-up, like flirting, touching, or those lingering looks,” explains Knight. “Foreplay is your friend here — it’s like the starter before the main course. It’s not just about making it fun, but also ensuring everyone is comfortable, aroused, and ready.”
Four key basics to remember
- Consent is key: Make sure you’re both (or all!) enthusiastically on board. A clear “yes” is always sexy.
- Protection is a must: Use condoms, dental dams, or whatever works for you — just make sure you’re being safe.
- Communication makes it better: Chat about what you’re into, what feels good, and what might not be your vibe.
- Pleasure is the goal: Sex isn’t a race or a performance; it’s about feeling good and connecting.”
Which positions are good for beginners?
There’s no point buying a copy of the Kama Sutra and trying to do the most acrobatic move possible when you’re a total beginner at sex — no running before you can walk! So, which positions are good initial go-tos?
“For first-timers, I’d suggest keeping things simple and comfortable,” says Knight. “Missionary is classic and allows for a lot of face-to-face connection; spooning is super relaxed and intimate to begin with; if the person on top wants to control the pace, cowgirl can be a winner. The goal is to find something where you both feel at ease and in control.”
Want more specifics on each of those positions? Luckily we have guides to mastering missionary, spooning, and cowgirl. You can thank us later.
Any tips for oral sex?
You betcha! We have dedicated guides to going down on someone and giving great blow jobs. But here’s Knight’s top-line essentials:
- Take your time: Don’t rush into it. Remember: slow and steady wins the race.
- Listen and learn: Watch and hear how your partner reacts and adjust as needed. Bonus points if you ask what they like!
- Mix it up: A combination of tongue, lips, and even hands can work wonders.
- Stay enthusiastic: Confidence and a sense of fun make everything feel better.
How long is sex supposed to last?
“There’s no set stopwatch for sex,” continues Knight. “It can be different every time. Some people have quick, passionate sessions, while others might explore for longer. Research says the average time for penetrative sex is about five to seven minutes, but honestly, who’s counting? Foreplay and aftercare can extend the fun, so focus on quality over quantity.”
What happens after sex?
Again, there’s no set formula. But, says Knight, it’s all about basking in that post-intimacy glow. “You might want to cuddle, chat, or even just take a moment to breathe and relax,” she explains. “It’s also a good time to clean up — grab some tissues, a warm flannel, or head to the loo if needed. Most importantly, check in with your partner, a simple, ‘How was that?’ or ‘Are you okay?’, can go a long way.”
How to have great sex
Remember your most important sex organ is your brain
“It sounds obvious, but the best sex happens when you have a deep connection with your partner,” Knight says. “Half of cis men (48%) and 39% of cis women reckon that love is the most important factor in achieving sexual happiness, according to research by Lovehoney.”
Whether you’re actually in love with the person you’re having sex with or it’s just a casual fling, a good connection undoubtedly makes sex way better because you’ll be comfortable, relaxed, and trusting.
Communication is super important
“So, you’ve met that special person and are madly in love, but the sex isn’t that great. The only solution to this is to tell them,” continues Knight. “It’s vital you keep the channels of communication open to enjoy good sex. Don’t be afraid to say, ‘That really doesn’t work for me’.”
“Talk about what really does turn you on, and allow them to do the same,” she adds. If you do this in a positive way, highlighting what your partner does that you really enjoy, it can be a constructive conversation rather than one in which someone gets hurt.
It’s all about variety
“Eat the same meal every night and you will soon get bored of it. Why would sex be any different?” Knight says. “Too many couples get stuck in a sex rut where they do the same things, at the same time with the same results. Sex becomes routine rather than something special to look forward to.”
So what’s the solution? “Mix it up in whatever way works for you: pick a different room in the house to have sex each time; drive to the countryside and find a secluded spot; try having sex in the morning instead of the evening; or treat yourselves to a new sex toy,” she suggests. As long as you’re breaking the routine every now and then, you’re groovy.
Don’t expect it to be amazing every time
“Very few couples have consistently great sex every single time. Most of us experience a mixture of fantastically great sessions, ‘ordinary’ ones and the odd funny incident throughout our sexual relationships,” Knight explains. “Even couples who rate their sex life as fantastic admit only two to three sessions out of every 10 are sheet-grabbing material, so yes, enjoy the phenomenal sessions, but appreciate the good ones just as much.”
Make the most of your sex toys
The idea that all women and people with vaginas can orgasm through penetration alone is the biggest and most damaging myth surrounding sex.
“Most women don’t orgasm solely through vaginal penetration, with seven out of ten requiring additional clitoral stimulation to reach climax. The result is that men and people with penises have at least three times as many orgasms with a partner than women who sleep with men do. The rates for casual sex are even more abysmal: only 4% have reported having orgasms through casual penetration,” Knight says.
So to make sure both partners are getting pleasure out of sex, she recommends turning to toys. “Sex toys are a great way to stimulate the clitoris and improve women’s chances of orgasming. Plus, they’re not all intimidating and scary — kick things off with a clitoral vibrator, which is just as much fun to use on your own as with a partner.”
Worn inside the vagina during partnered sex, this U-shaped toy stimulates the G-spot (doubling up alongside penile penetration) while also giving the clit some love. Simultaneous orgasms are never a given, but this gets you pretty close.
A toy that forces you to slow down and take your time — firstly to figure out how to use it. But once you do, you’re guaranteed to arrive at the promised land.
An international best-seller — and for good reason, LELO’s TOR 2 cock ring is made from silky soft silicone and lavishes vibrations on the shaft and clitoris during partnered sex, while potentially boosting the duration of erections too.
This toy is a masterpiece in vibrator engineering. Its dual motors mean you can find your ideal mix of throb and buzz to take you to where you want to go, and the unique squishy tip makes for extremely sensual external or internal play.
A dual vibrator with two motors that bends with your body (and the most creative positions you can pretzel yourself into), for double the fun and stimulation inside and out!
Kissing is key
“A lot of couples underestimate the importance of kissing, which is a shame because it’s the perfect way to establish intimacy, and is arguably the most important pre-sex act,” she says. “Because kissing usually kicks off any sexual activity, knowing how to kiss well can set the tone for the whole evening. Whether it’s lots of tongue, no tongue, nibbling, light pecks, or deep, romantic kisses, knowing what your partner enjoys is key to kicking things off right.”
Wetter is always better
Lube makes sex so much better.
“For as long as humans have been having sex (or at least documenting it), we have known that we needed lubricant. There seems to be an incorrect assumption that younger women and people with vaginas do not need to use lubrication, and if they do, they have a problem,” she explains. This is obviously not the case.
Knight adds: “Lube just makes sex more fun (and comfortable and safe) for everyone. It can decrease painful friction, it can help offset some issues that affect your natural lubrication, and it can introduce delightful new feelings during sex. Using lube frees up your mind to focus on the sex at hand.”
Paisley is the former Sex and Relationships editor at Cosmopolitan UK. She covers everything from sex toys, how to masturbate and sex positions, to all things LGBTQ. She definitely reveals too much about her personal life on the Internet.
Annabelle Knight Bsc Dip is one of the most relevant experts when it comes to dating, sex and relationships, a certified couples counsellor, qualified life coach and has a diploma in psychosexual therapy.
In print Annabelle is Fabulous Magazine's resident Sexpert, contributor for The Sun, The Metro, The Telegraph and Cosmopolitan magazine on all things sex, dating and relationships and has a weekly full page column in Now Magazine.
