As much as dating apps giveth — a broader range of people to meet; the ability to never see someone again after a bad date; mental health issues — they also taketh away. And, in the last few years, it’s become clear that the main casualty of our digital-only foibles has been the art of pulling on a night out.
Where once randy young things would cut their teeth flirting at the local discotheque, now we’re all so reliant on ChatGPT to make the first move that the idea of approaching someone you fancy in public is implausible. Buoyed by the social anxiety we all developed during the pandemic, everyone is too scared of vulnerability, rejection, and embarrassment to sidle up to a hottie (in a non-creepy way) and charm their pants off.
For women who date men, there’s an extra hurdle. “The patriarchal script that ‘men should make the first move’ is still deeply ingrained, making women fear they’ll look desperate or too forward,” says dating and relationship coach Kate Mansfield. “Add to that the exhaustion of dating app culture, where interactions feel transactional and fleeting, and it’s no wonder women feel hesitant in the real world.”
That’s not to say it’s a walk in the park for any gender. We’ve all forgotten how to talk to each other; so much so that it’s common to meet someone you like IRL, but wait to express interest until you come across them on a dating app. Basically, as Mansfield puts it: “We’ve lost the art of organic, playful connection.”
So, how can we get our mojos back? First things first, says Mansfield, “shift your mindset from ‘trying to get a date’ to ‘just being a warm, open human’”. She explains: “You don’t need a perfect pick-up line, you just need to be present. Embrace your warmth, softness, and playfulness, rather than trying to aggressively pursue. When you focus on creating a fun, low-stakes interaction rather than worrying about the outcome, the pressure evaporates. Confidence isn’t about knowing they will like you; it’s about knowing you’ll be fine even if they don’t.”
Luckily for you, there are still a few mistresses of seduction walking among us, and, even better, they’ve been willing to share their tips and tricks with Cosmo. Read on to find out how to channel your inner temptress the next time you’re down at the pub having a laugh with your mates and a total babe catches your eye.
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How to approach someone you fancy
1. Keep it simple
There is no need to bring a rose to the pub — this isn’t Hinge! Instead, catch your love interest’s eye and hit ’em with your most endearing smile. Then think about your surroundings. “Comment on something happening around you,” suggests Mansfield. “The music, the ridiculous coffee line, or the book they’re holding. You are just opening the door; you don’t have to carry the whole interaction. A great approach is just an invitation for them to step up and engage with you.”
2. Be genuine and curious
This seems like an obvious one, but it can be easy to slip into a performance when you’re doing something out of your comfort zone. “Being genuine is more effective than trying to be perfect,” says sex and relationships educator and coach Amari. “Focusing on curiosity instead of outcome can also make approaching others feel easier.” If you go into it hoping to get a phone number, rather than to get to know the person — to see if you actually fancy them beyond the superficial — you’ll only put unnecessary pressure on yourself, which is bound to make you nervous!
3. Read social cues
Amari says it’s important to choose comfortable social environments, where approaching someone feels natural. Don’t try and pick someone up at their grandma’s funeral! If you do go up to someone, be aware of how they receive you. “Paying attention to the other person’s response is essential, and if interest is not mutual, it is best to step away respectfully,” adds Amari. “Ignoring someone’s lack of interest can make situations uncomfortable, so it is important to notice social cues.”
How to flirt
Again, says Mansfield, flirting should be fun, not a performance. “Lean into your quirks and be authentic,” she advises. “Tease a little, laugh, and don’t be afraid to hold eye contact just a second longer than usual. The goal is to create a spark of playful tension. Most importantly, stay grounded in your own worth — flirting is just as much about seeing if they are a good fit for you as it is about charming them.”
Amari adds: “Matching the other person’s energy can help build connection. Be relaxed, give sincere compliments, and don’t worry about saying the perfect thing.”
If you want more detailed instructions, we have a whole guide on flirting for you here.
What not to do
As well as avoiding overthinking, over-investing, and approaching someone with a rigid agenda or high expectations, Mansfield advises you “steer clear of self-depreciation as a way to break the ice; it undermines your confidence”.
Similarly, adds Amari, don’t be overly self-critical after rejection. “This is unhelpful and often inaccurate,” she says.
But the most important thing when approaching someone in person is, as mentioned, to respect them and their space — but also to know your own limits. “Don’t ignore your intuition,” says Mansfield. “If the vibe feels off or you don’t feel a sense of basic respect and safety right away, gracefully exit the conversation. Your energy is valuable, so only share it with people who make you feel safe and comfortable.”
10 women on how they pull IRL
‘I pretend I’ve dropped an earring’
“I had this trick where if I saw a group of men around a table, I’d remove one of my hoop earrings and then go up to them and be like, ‘I was sitting here earlier and I think I dropped an earring! Can you help me look?’, using that as an in but also tugging on men’s need to help a damsel in distress.” — Sarah*
‘It takes a certain level of audacity’
“The things that make me want to approach someone are physical attraction, eye contact, and just a good general vibe! I start with eye contact first, then I’ll find an excuse to go over and chat. If I’m feeling particularly bold I might write my number down and give it to them, or ask for theirs. I’m an only child and that has given me a certain level of audacity. I also just think, ‘What’s the worst that can happen?’” — Dirty Nelly
‘Have something to talk about’
“I only approach people who look interested in me, and who are doing something that looks open that I can join in on. Cute guy giving me the eye playing pool? I’ll put a coin down. Cute guy at the bar smiled at me and he’s talking about a thing I know about? Next time I go to the bar, I’ll ask him about it and offer to buy him a drink. Cute guy at the coffee shop keeps looking up at me and is wearing a cool t-shirt? I’ll ask him about it when he takes a break or grabs another cup. It’s what I want people to do when they approach me, so I emulate it. It’s really effective. Gauge interest, have something to talk about, go for it.” — via Reddit
‘I used my job to wingwoman my mates’
“I’m a sex journalist and sometimes when my friends ask me to help them pull, I go up to men and tell them I’m writing an article on whether it’s easy to pull in, say, football pubs, and then I take my notebook out and ask how many of them are single.” — Coleen*
‘I keep it simple, rather than overly polished’
“I don’t approach people IRL constantly, but I do think there’s been a noticeable shift back towards it. People are fatigued by apps, so when someone approaches in a normal, grounded way, it stands out far more than it used to.
What makes me want to approach someone is less about how they look and more about how they carry themselves. There’s a difference between someone being attractive and someone being magnetic or inviting — it’s usually in the eye contact, ease, self-assuredness, or a sense that they’re present rather than performing.
When I do approach, I keep it simple, usually something observational or situational rather than overly polished. People can feel when something is rehearsed, so I’d rather it feels natural and specific to the moment. I think my confidence comes from being comfortable without a fixed outcome and knowing my intrinsic value. If it goes well, great, and if not, it doesn’t take anything away from me.” — Terena Danner
‘Confidence is attractive’
“Eye contact and laugh at their jokes. Good posture. Have fun with it!! Don’t take yourself too seriously. Confidence is attractive!” — via Reddit
‘I’m extremely direct’
“I’ve learned to be extremely direct. I remember one time I told a guy straight up, ‘You do realise I’m flirting with you, right?’ He couldn’t believe it. Then I bought him a drink.” — via Reddit
‘I have a rotation of conversation starters’
“I tend to use a rotation of conversation starters. A good one when you’re at the pub is to say, ‘Excuse me, we’ve challenged ourselves that we aren’t allowed to Google anything at all today’. Then ask a random question like, ‘Can you remember who won Wimbledon last year?’ It’s a great icebreaker and can lead to flirtier conversation.” — Veronica*
‘I compliment her’
“I usually compliment her and say that I mean the compliment but I’m also totally hitting on her. I usually add that it’s fine if women aren’t her thing, but she is so beautiful that I’d be kicking myself if I didn’t at least try to ask her out.” — via Reddit
‘I’d just tell guys they were handsome’
“For a while, I got into the habit of just going over to people I fancied and just saying, ‘You’re really handsome, can I have your number?’. I’d only ever do it at the pub after a couple of drinks (I wouldn’t be brave enough otherwise), but it worked a few times and I ended up going on some dates! Sometimes the guy would say he had a girlfriend and politely decline; even if it was a lie, it was a pretty nice way to be rejected. And then I’d just say, ‘Okay, bye!’, and go about my business. It’s a confidence boost for them and exhilarating for me — a win, win, even if you don’t get a date out of it.” — Claire*
*Names have been changed. Some responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.
