We’re told all the time: marriage takes work, marriages aren’t perfect. But, while that is undoubtedly true, it is also true that marriages end and divorces do happen. We also shouldn’t stick things out when we’re unhappy: our lives are meant to be enjoyed and our hours should be spent with people who love us, and who we love.
Statistically, around half of marriages end in divorce — and while affairs and abuse are common factors that lead to a split, often it isn’t just one explosive thing, but instead a gradual undoing. The knot that was once tied so tightly is eroded by tiny actions until it’s so frayed that it cannot be repaired.
Often, those who have divorced can look back and see that there were so many little signs of the road they were headed. While some can pinpoint the exact moment they knew a split was inevitable, others can now recognise the small actions, and words, that eventually grew into something that could no longer be ignored. What they all have in common is that, on the other side of all that pain, a new life awaited them. One of freedom and joy. Here are their stories.
9 divorced women on how they knew their marriage was over
‘My body knew before I did’
“It was a gradual erosion and a slow accumulation of behaviours that made me lose my sense of self over time. I began noticing how I doubted myself and how frequently I edited my behaviour to keep the peace. My self-worth quietly deteriorated, and I learned to numb the discomfort through drinking a glass or two more than usual, rather than question what I was experiencing. The narrative in my head was being confused by the response I was feeling in my body. Looking back, my body knew long before I was ready to listen and learn.
Our conversations became transactional and so did our love. House admin, family logistics, and whose turn it was to do the recycling became the talking points. Being lonely inside a marriage can hurt far more than being alone.
I second-guessed myself constantly. As a lifelong people-pleaser, I felt responsible for someone else’s emotions. I normalised the atmosphere, although my body carried the weight through migraines and stress. One moment has stayed with me. I was wiping down the kitchen surfaces, caught in a loop of thought, going through all the list of ‘what-ifs’, when a quiet inner voice said, ‘If you’re staying for others, it’ll slowly erode your wellbeing’. That was the penny dropping moment. The answer came: ‘No, it’s not enough.’”
Jennie Sutton, 60, from Cheltenham, is an award-winning divorce coach and founder of Untying the Knot. She’s also a contributor to Emotional Alchemy: The True Stories of Turning Break-up and Divorce Pain into Power by Sara Davison, available at Amazon.
‘I got an STD while pregnant’
“You would think it was when I got a positive result for an STD while pregnant… but nope. He never admitted it and I chose to ignore it. It was actually the moment when he asked me what I thought I had brought to the marriage… I moved out.” — via
‘He had a nap during a crisis’
“There were lots of little moments for me. One of his outbursts was in the therapist’s office and it was proof that he was reactive and deflecting, as I could go back and ask the therapist what happened, what was said.
Another time, my youngest child had a mental health crisis and I was handling everything alone. Before he had shown up well in times of crises, but this wasn’t fixable in the way he’d like and he just checked out. He didn’t even meet us in the crisis centre one afternoon, he just stayed at home, napping.” — via
‘He didn’t take care of me when I had cancer’
“I was dealing with breast cancer and I’d had my mastectomy. He brought me home from the hospital and got me in bed and situated. Our daughter was here, so he thought it was okay to leave and not come back until the next day. He just abandoned me. And left all the burden of care up to our daughter.” — via
‘Without him, I felt at peace’
“He left for a week, only called once (to ask for something), and I realised it was the most peaceful I had felt in a long time. Even though I was left alone, caring for our two kids. I didn’t leave exactly then but, in that exact moment, I knew it was over.” — via
‘He became another child’
“He was arrested for drink driving on a Tuesday night, after telling me he wasn’t drinking. This was after 18 months of lying while I continually gave him the benefit of the doubt. That was the tipping point. Prior to that, he had been a fourth child for me to take care of, and the biggest time investment. He had no steady job, didn’t cook, clean, did 0% of the mental load. I kept a full-time job, was the breadwinner, used healthy coping skills, and was the one implementing routine and consistency for our kids.
I was in love with him once, but I came to realise that he was just a child I took care of, and that I was no longer attracted to him or in love with him. I didn’t view him as an equal or a partner. I was terrified of doing it alone, but we haven’t just survived but thrived. That’s been so telling.” — via
‘I won’t turn a blind eye anymore’
“I woke up in the middle of the night and something told me, your marriage is over. I was currently sleeping on the couch and had been for a few months. We had grown apart but he didn’t see it. He left a few months later because he knew I didn’t care anymore. Divorce was finalised recently. We tried to work on stuff after he moved out, but one day I just knew it wasn’t going to work. We have different views on life and I’ve grown into a different woman that won’t turn a blind eye to stupid shit.” — via
‘I was always walking on eggshells’
“Through out my marriage, I believed that if I just loved him enough, tried hard enough, and held things together, the relationship could be saved. It took me far too long to accept that some relationships cannot be fixed, and that staying in one that is quietly damaging you is its own kind of loss.
The cracks appeared slowly and subtly. It wasn’t one big dramatic moment at first. It was intermittent red flags and it was a gradual erosion. Small comments that chipped away at my confidence. Situations where I found myself walking on eggshells without fully understanding why. I started doubting my own instincts and second-guessing myself constantly, but I put it down to my own insecurities rather than his behaviour.
The moment that cracked everything open was discovering an affair during what was supposed to be a family Christmas holiday to Australia. We were visiting his extended family. That was when I could no longer look away. What followed was a divorce process that was far more damaging than I had ever imagined.
I wish I had paid more attention to the early warning signs; the moments where I felt unsettled but talked myself out of it. I wish I had understood sooner that love alone is not enough to make a relationship healthy, and that someone being charming and someone being good for you are not the same thing. Most of all, I wish I had known that the fear of leaving is always worse than the reality of it. Life on the other side is hard to reach, but it is possible. I found myself again. I found my purpose.”
Nawal Houghton is a qualified solicitor, accredited mediator, and founder of Your Divorce Coach — helping support people navigating high conflict separations with clarity, dignity, and long-term emotional health.
‘The thought of separating became less scary than staying together’
“We both knew things were broken between us and had been for quite some time. We tried to go on dates and spend more time together, but the more we did, the more I realised we just weren’t on the same page and that I was just going through the motions. I didn’t enjoy spending time with my spouse and always felt relief when they were away. On top of that, I was often the only one cooking, cleaning, managing our household, and parenting our kids, despite multiple attempts at changing that dynamic.
After a while, the thought of separating became less scary than staying together. We’ve been separated for just over a month and while I’m definitely still on an emotional rollercoaster and my finances are in shambles, I feel so relieved. It’s been a time to reconnect with my hobbies, cook the foods I like to eat, spend quality time with my kids on my days (50/50 split), and just get some peace.” — via
Catriona Innes is Cosmopolitan UK’s multiple award-winning Commissioning Editor, who has won BSME awards both for her longform investigative journalism as well as for leading the Cosmopolitan features department. Alongside commissioning and editing the features section, both online and in print, Catriona regularly writes her own hard-hitting investigations spending months researching some of the most pressing issues affecting young women today.
She has spent time undercover with specialist police forces, domestic abuse social workers and even Playboy Bunnies to create articles that take readers to the heart of the story. Catriona is also a published author, poet and volunteers with a number of organisations that directly help the homeless community of London. She’s often found challenging her weak ankles in towering heels through the streets of Soho. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
