Does something feel ‘off’ in your relationship right now, but you’re struggling to pinpoint exactly what, or where, things are going wrong? Navigating long-term romantic relationships can be tricky. They go through ebbs and flows, and no relationship (not even the picture-perfect ones bombarding us from our phone screens) is rosy and happy all the time.
Friends (and let’s face it, TikTokers) are often full of advice as to how to navigate tough times, but they’re not the ones in the relationship, living it day-to-day. It can be so easy to be influenced by this and think that you have to do or behave exactly how other people do, but really you have to figure out what a happy relationship looks like to you.
Having said that, relationship therapists and psychologists do see the same mistakes crop up with their clients again and again. We asked them what errors they say women, in particular, are making that could be slowly damaging their relationships. This is what they had to say.
6 relationship mistakes you might be making
1.You’ve abandoned yourself
Throughout our lives, women are conditioned to believe that in order to be ‘good’ we have to put others’ needs before our own, at all costs. This can result in bottling things up, which leads to quiet resentment or feeling as if we’re fracturing off parts of ourselves in order to please others. “Many women aren’t failing at relationships; instead, they’re succeeding at being agreeable in systems that reward self-abandonment,” explains psychosexual and relationship therapist Dr Aoife Drury.
Drury sees women who are often “internalising how they are feeling through fear that expressing needs will make them ‘too much’ or ‘difficult’,” she says. “This can mean withholding feelings, over-editing themselves, and choosing harmony over honesty.”
Drury recommends trying to “tap into your body, rather than just isolating yourself to your thoughts”. This can look like “asking yourself how you feel in difficult times, not just highs. Move from, ‘Should this work?’ to, ‘How do I actually feel here?’.”
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It might be that you find you’re doing the emotional labour for the pair of you, initiating all the check-ins, smoothing conflict, and explaining both your feelings and your partner’s. “This might result in excusing poor communication, translating a partner’s silence, staying ‘understanding’ long past the point of resentment.” She recommends tapping into how you feel and where you’re at in the relationship by “journalling, talking to friends who won’t push an agenda, or therapy that centres consent, agency, and self-trust”.
She adds that once you’ve identified how you’re feeling, you shouldn’t be afraid to raise it and see how your partner responds. “Relationships require work, they are not perfect, but it is how we repair and care for each other that are key, not just the enjoyable times. Long-term compatibility isn’t about never hurting each other, it’s about what happens after the hurt. Conflict leads to understanding, not withdrawal, that there is a curiosity of each other’s inner world, you feel more positive about yourself not less.”
Drury continues: “Apologies should include behaviour change, not just words. [This ensures] that disagreements don’t threaten the relationship and sometimes you can grow from them. There’s room and understanding for difference without defensiveness.”
2. You’re comparing yourself to others
With timelines full of sparkling engagement rings, baby scan announcements, and couples hugging in front of the house they just bought together, it’s very easy to feel lacklustre about your own relationship, when the closest thing to a long-term commitment you’ve achieved is getting a Two-Together railcard. But it’s vital to tune-out all of that outside noise and pressure, and get to the bottom of what you want.
“In our 20s and 30s, one of the most common habits that gets women into trouble in relationships is looking at their experience more from the outside in, rather than the inside out,” says Catherine Topham Sly, BACP-accredited relationship therapist. “This can look like comparing ourselves to others — whether it’s comparing our lived experience to others’ highlight reels on social media, or feeling pressure to hit certain milestones on a perceived ‘right’ timeline, like moving in together or getting engaged. It can also appear in the way we date: focusing more on how we’re coming across (‘I wonder if he likes me’) than how we actually feel, and what is and isn’t working for us.”
If you feel caught up in a flurry of pressure from the outside, Topham Sly recommends examining the culture you’re getting your messages from and taking a step back. “Our culture romanticises the idea of being ‘chosen’ for women, and that can pull our attention away from where we really need it to be,” she says. “Instead, try asking yourself: ‘How do I feel within and about myself when I spend time with this person?’”
“When we’re overly focused on how the relationship looks from the outside, we can lose touch with how it actually feels — and that can sometimes mean staying in a relationship that isn’t really working.”
3. You’re being critical
So often the way we behave is a reaction to something, but just because it’s a reaction to something, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t examine it and try to change. Especially when we’re doing it subconsciously. “A common pattern I see is criticism creeping in, especially when needs have gone unmet for too long,” explains Topham Sly. “Women often suppress their feelings in an effort to be accommodating, but then frustration and resentment tend to build up. This can start to leak out in cutting comments or absolute statements like, ‘You always…’ or, ‘You never…’, which tend to land as accusations, blame, or personal attacks.”
She adds: “Underneath, the intention is often a kind of protest, coming from a desire for closeness or reassurance. But it usually has the opposite effect — these behaviours invite defensiveness and push partners away, reinforcing the very disconnection they want to avoid.”
4. You’re playing a guessing game
Unfortunately, mind-readers don’t really exist. And the only way to actually communicate what you need, or to find out what your partner needs, is by talking. Yet, that’s easier said than done.
“Common issues that I see arise can be around communication, such as not being able to share wants and needs within the relationship and not understanding each other’s perspective,” explains sex and relationship psychotherapist Miranda Christophers. “Some try to guess and interpret meaning or make assumptions, but this can be unhelpful as there is too much room to misunderstand. By not communicating, you remove the opportunity to connect, understand each other, and work through issues as they arise.”
5. You’re making being in a relationship a key part of your identity
While there’s definitely a lot of outside pressure to be in a relationship, that can come from family, friends, or just the general atmosphere in the air that there’s something ‘shameful’ about being single (there’s absolutely not, and, thankfully, slowly this attitude is altering), pressure to remain in relationships that don’t work can also come from the inside.
“If you feel like being in a relationship is a key part of your identity, this can cause a lot of pressure,” says Christophers. “Factors such as finances, living together, children/wanting to have children can also pose an internal pressure. A key question to ask yourself is: ‘What is important to me?’”
6. You’re trying too hard to be ‘chill’
“Girls are raised to romanticise the idea of finding their ‘prince’ and being rewarded with a ‘happily ever after’, so it’s no surprise that many women feel a great deal of pressure to make their relationships work,” explains Topham Sly. “This can leave them feeling pressure to be emotionally intelligent, accommodating, understanding, and forgiving — all while staying ‘low-maintenance’ and not asking too much.”
With all this messaging bubbling inside, it can become easy to blame relationship woes on you, and you alone. “Women often hold themselves accountable for the strength of connection, blame themselves for being ‘too sensitive’ or ‘too much’ when it’s not working, and try to suppress their needs to avoid being labelled as ‘needy’,” continues Topham Sly. “The mental load and emotional labour this creates can feel both exhausting and invisible.”
“Every relationship has difficult moments, but in a healthy one there’s an underlying sense of safety and security,” she concludes. “You feel like you can be yourself, that you’ll be accepted, supported, and ‘at home’ with your partner.”
Catriona Innes is Cosmopolitan UK’s multiple award-winning Commissioning Editor, who has won BSME awards both for her longform investigative journalism as well as for leading the Cosmopolitan features department. Alongside commissioning and editing the features section, both online and in print, Catriona regularly writes her own hard-hitting investigations spending months researching some of the most pressing issues affecting young women today.
She has spent time undercover with specialist police forces, domestic abuse social workers and even Playboy Bunnies to create articles that take readers to the heart of the story. Catriona is also a published author, poet and volunteers with a number of organisations that directly help the homeless community of London. She’s often found challenging her weak ankles in towering heels through the streets of Soho. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter.
