ICYMI, in the latest issue of Cosmopolitan, we asked 250 men what they really think of dating today. We did this because we know that a lot of you, especially those who date men, are having a pretty rough time of it RN. Many of you tell us that you’re burned out by low-effort dating app convos, fed up with sparkless first dates and bad dating behaviour, or reeling from your latest life-altering three-month situationship (or all of the above!). And yet, although many men are probs feeling, well, exactly the same, we don’t tend to hear much from them about it. Are they just as miserable as we are?
So, a few months ago we put that question — and many more — to them. We wanted to find out what they’re looking for in their romantic lives and what draws them to potential partners. We wanted to know how dating apps make them feel and how they wish the dating landscape was different. And we wanted to give them a chance to bust some myths and reveal what they think women get wrong about them.
As well as chatting to men IRL at Leeds uni, we also launched an online survey, which hundreds of men were v eager to respond to — and we learned a lot of surprising things.
Case in point: 59% of men are looking to settle down, while just 10% are looking for a casual thing. When it comes to matching on dating apps, 24% are swiping right if someone’s profile is funny or interesting, 24% are driven by looks, and 17% are looking for those with similar hobbies or interests. And surprise! Men hate the apps just as much as us, with 84% saying their overall experience is bad, while 56% say they make them feel terrible and just 7% say they give them confidence. And yet, they’re afraid to chat people up IRL, with 44% worrying that they’d come across as creepy.
What’s more, although there’s no equivalent ‘girl sober’ movement to our ‘boy sober’ one, men aren’t dating as much as you might think, with 56% going on first dates a few times a year or less. As for second dates, 38% rarely go on them, 32% sometimes do, and 18% say they never do.
Oh and politics matters — 54% said they’d want a partner to share their views — but archaic ideas about body count not so much, with 42% saying how many people a potential partner has slept with doesn’t bother them at all.
You can read our full report and analysis in the mag or online here, but we also wanted to share some of the responses we couldn’t include in the piece — because we got a lot of surprising, fascinating, and sometimes enlightening reflections (admittedly, we also got some dumb jokes and the occasional sprinkling of misogyny). We’ve included a selection of men’s opinions below, spanning dating apps, their best and worst date stories, and how they wish dating was different.
How do dating apps make men feel?
- “Getting a fair amount of likes and matches definitely helps to affirm what I think of myself. It was a shock at first having that many likes each day.”
- “I feel lonelier on the apps than off them.”
- “They’ve made me extremely body-dysmorphic and scared to approach women in public. My thought train is that if they were single they’d be on an app, hence if they were interested they’d like me on said app, so I’ve already been rejected before I’ve approached them.”
- “Going months between matches, and then when a match finally happens, taking the time to send a decent opening message but rarely even receiving a reply makes going on an actual date near impossible.”
- “Too many women looking for tall men — 6ft plus. I’m 5ft 9.”
- “For me, dating apps are the main way to meet women. I lack a lot of self-confidence due to mental health, so I find it the only ‘easy’ way to strike up a conversation without too many risks. But the responses and general reactions I get are usually rude and degrading about myself and my appearance.”
- “[There’s so much] superficiality. I’m not David Gandy, but I’m also not an ogre. Everything is so surface that unless you’re a sculpted model… good luck.”
- “They make me both confident and terrible in equal measure. I get quite a lot of likes and a fair few matches, but also a lot of non-responses and cancelled dates.”
- “I love how easy it is to just match and strike up a conversation with someone. Whether it’s just a casual hook-up for one night or a proper date, the ease of it is ridiculous when you put it in the perspective of how much effort previous generations had to put into finding people to be intimate/share a romantic moment with.”
- “I hate that it seems the introduction of dating apps has now almost made more natural ‘proposals’ seem almost creepy. I’m 26, and I don’t think many people around my age and possibly younger could fathom meeting someone in person now. It’s almost like dating apps are the only socially acceptable way to instigate something with someone.”
- “I think dating apps are deeply flawed because they take the most natural human process (romantic connection) and turn it into something that is mechanical and commercialised. I also think that texting is an awful way to get to know someone and makes it impossible to gauge chemistry/attraction.”
- “Some women want sex, and wouldn’t approach you for it in normal circumstances, so it can be fun.”
- “People have lost track of the fact that real connections take time to develop, but unfortunately everyone makes decisions on whether to invest time with that person only after one date. When I was in my fuckboy phase, dating in London was way easier as you just play the game, say the bullshit you have to say, and conversion to second/third dates was very high. Since I started to look for serious connections and actually try to have genuine conversations, conversion rates have plummeted.”
- “Feeling like I’m part of a window-shopping exercise and that my actual personality isn’t represented.”
How do men wish dating was different?
- “It feels like we’re given a lot of instructions of what not to do but no guidance on how to date, especially as third spaces where you can potentially meet partners are becoming more scarce.”
- “Women can just as easily live in their own echo chamber if they only talk to other women. If we want equality, then we need to start building bridges and include one another in the debate. For sure, men and women are different by design, but equal nevertheless — and we are not in competition, but complementing each other. Our diversity should be celebrated.”
- “I know a lot of guys can be complete cads and that gives all men a very bad rap. The internet seems awash with, ‘I was gaslit’ or, ‘He was a narcissist’, and this can make it difficult to get a fair chance when actually you are fundamentally a decent person.”
- “[I wish we could eradicate] the narrative of, ‘Men pay or they are broke’. I think women have been sold this TikTok ideology of hating men, and it shows when you talk to women who spend a lot of time online.”
- “There’s a lot of talk about the male loneliness epidemic, but if you’re not having any luck, there’s no actual advice for men who are lonely to approach women.”
- “It takes time to get to know someone, but you also have to have a sense of excitement when you first meet them and be willing to take the risk of being flirty and interested in them. My feeling is that the apps kind of kill off the vibes where this kind of connection can happen.”
- “It’s dating, it’s meant to be fun. Come with your clipboard of must-haves or red and green flags, but if you ain’t fun, I ain’t staying.”
- “People pre-judge too much. One reply to an initial message [I sent to a woman] said, ‘I’d have to get out of my sweats and make some effort to come and meet you. What are you bringing to the party?’. I replied, ‘You’ll never know now’.
The best dates men have ever been on
- “An early dinner before uni classes. Really clicked with conversations, then she told me to close my eyes and kissed me unexpectedly in the car park at campus when we returned. Her making the first move was aggressively attractive, as it took all anxiety away and was all green lights mentally.”
- “The best date I’ve ever been on was, sadly, with my now ex-girlfriend. It was the middle of lockdown, masks and social distancing was in full effect. We had been to school together, but never spoken or really knew each other. We lived in the same village and we decided to meet (after matching on tinder lol) to go for a socially-distanced walk. After a few hours of walking around, the heavens opened and we were stuck out in it. We quickly rushed to the local church to take shelter. We stood and chatted for another hour or so. We laughed and joked, shared our love of music and then before long, we threw the rules out the window and embraced each other and kissed. No matter how horribly events transpired later in the relationship, I will likely never feel as fondly about any other first date I’m yet to go on.”
- “When we went out and did silly tourist stuff in the city. Few drinks, cheesy attractions, and just laughed all day.”
- “I had this crush on this bartender for the longest time and I still remember how happy I was when I built up the courage to ask her out. We had a great time.”
- “A blind date when we both bumped into friends and ended up going out as a group.”
- “Went beachcombing with a woman I’d met after helping her with a flat tyre.”
- “Went on a lovely one in the summer — food and then a trip to the park. We’d hit it off well already online, then in-person we found more and more in common and never stopped talking, except to have a wee bit of a kiss and cuddle. One of those effortlessly lovely romantic meetings. Both ending the date with huge smiles on our faces.”
… and the worst
- “She brought her sister. And she didn’t look like her profile. I was young and hungry so I still got my TGI’s. But damn.”
- “Met someone for a coffee. Had to cram it in on such a busy day for both of us… She had come on strong by message and FaceTime prior to meeting, so I thought as long as we kept it fun, cheeky, and the same vibe as the messages, then it would be good. Disaster. Stunted conversation, no reaction or engagement. Five minutes after leaving, I got a message saying that it wasn’t for her. At least she didn’t ghost!”
- “I drove an hour away to a burger joint. All went well, hugged and then completely ghosted. Wasted my time.”
- “When she arrived at the venue where we met [for our date], the first thing she said was not ‘hello’ or some other greeting — she just walked up to me and sat down and said, ‘I haven't got any money on me and I will need a lift home’.”
- “I went on a shocking date where the girl bumped into her ex in the restaurant and we proceeded to join her ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend for dinner... They were obviously still in love... Wtf even was that.”
- “[We went] to a bar and within 10 minutes, the woman said she’s not interested.”
- “She climbed out of a toilet window and then texted me asking to come over for a drink! That was a big fat no.”
- “We went to an art museum for about an hour. She didn’t seem at all interested in getting to know me. She was funny, and decent to hang around with though. But at the end she said, ‘I’ll probably text you’. Probably????”
- “A girl I matched with came to my house, was very rude to me, drank all my beer and left.”
- “Dinner date where she was 30 minutes late and then spent the first 45 minutes texting on her phone almost without looking up. I completely understand if you have something going on that requires your immediate attention, but then rather explain that, and even reschedule, even if you’re both already at the restaurant.”
