In recent years, the power of the couple has, in many ways, slowly started to erode. Alongside more and more women choosing to stay single, many have been swearing dating off altogether, preferring to go ‘boy sober’ or embrace a period of celibacy over endless swiping and dead end dates. It all came to a head last year, when the internet started to question whether it’s actually embarrassing to be coupled up now.
While what happens online doesn’t necessarily translate to real life — with coupled-up folk still benefitting from reduced travel, housing, and general living costs — this normalisation and celebration of singledom is definitely a step forward, especially for women.
Against this backdrop, then, what does it feel like today for those who’ve never had a relationship? Do they feel any pressure to date or forge romantic connections? Do they cherish their solo time doing stuff they enjoy, or can it be lonely? Read on to find out how single women really feel about never having had a relationship.
11 women on what it’s really like to have always been single
‘I’d rather be single than settle’
“For me, I’ve dated but never been in a relationship — and if I’m being completely honest, I’d rather be single than settle. I want someone I can laugh and banter with and, so far, I haven’t found that. I’ll continue to look for it; and maybe that’s what stops me from being dissatisfied: the fact that I’ll keep looking and hoping that the right person is out there for me.” [via]
‘I freak out over it sometimes’
“I’ve been on dates, but never entered into a relationship with someone. I actually had a mini internal freak out over it last night, but it comes in waves. Work keeps me busy enough.” [via]
‘I don’t need a relationship to be happy’
“I have some things I would like to improve about my life, but finding a relationship is not a priority for me. I’m more concerned with my career, building good habits for my physical and mental health, and maintaining friendships. If I suddenly meet someone I like, I won’t rule out a relationship, but I don’t think I need one to be happy.” [via]
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‘I’m losing hope as I get older’
“I’m okay but sometimes it gets lonely, especially around the holidays and Valentine’s Day. Dating apps don’t help, and the only guys I seem to attract are creepy, older ones that are the same age as my dad. It’s so annoying, especially when people tell you, ‘You’ll find one when you least expect it’. Why can’t y’all just admit you got lucky? I still have sliver of hope but the string is getting thinner and thinner as I get older.” [via]
‘I put my effort into school, work, and friends’
“I just put the effort of what would be going into my dissatisfaction [being single] to other areas of my life. So I focus more on school, work, and my current friends, and putting my best efforts into those instead of thinking how hopelessly single I am. Also, I don’t just want to settle for something. I’d much rather wait for the right person and know I have something good that’ll last, rather than something where I just went, ‘Fine, I guess this’ll do’.” [via]
‘I can do anything I want as a single person’
“I don’t think I have overcome being dissatisfied with being single. I want a relationship. I’d rather be single than be in a bad relationship, but I don’t want to be single forever. I want a relationship. I use dating apps, volunteer, go out with friends, I do singles events, etc. It just hasn’t happened yet and I’m sad about that.
But since I’ve always been single, that’s just the norm to me. I don’t default to a relationship as ‘normal’, and I know that I can do anything I want as a single person — travel, go to concerts, go out to eat. But now that I’ve done it all alone, I’m eager to find someone to share it with.” [via]
‘It’s hard because all my close friends are married’
“It’s hard because all my close friends are already married. I’ve definitely cried over it a couple of times. I don’t mind being single but it can get lonely. I have friends and I’m not an isolated hermit! I just have a romantic side that isn’t satisfied right now.” [via]
‘I get tired of people very easily’
“I’m not dissatisfied, I like being single. I get tired of people very easily, so in order not to hurt them, I better stay this way.” [via]
‘It’s not easy when loneliness kicks in’
“I had been dissatisfied for a long time as I felt ‘behind’ all of my friends. I felt abnormal. I had a hard time dealing with my emotions and loneliness. I had to cope with unrequited love. Now, I am actually at peace with it, as I looked back and I realised I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I had other priorities to focus on. I have to work on myself and know me better before I let anyone in.
I have no experience in dating and sex, and I can be anxious about it. I don’t know what I want, but I know what I will never accept, as I saw many people around me being disrespected and hurt. I promised myself that I wouldn’t settle for less than I deserve or wouldn’t date someone who is not right for me just to fit in. I find self-love is very effective for coping with negative feelings. Because in the end, you’re the only one you’re going to spend every single second of your life with. It’s not easy every day, especially when loneliness kicks in, but I won’t force myself into something I’m not ready for.” [via]
‘I don’t know what I’m missing’
“In my 20s, ‘everyone’ around me was getting into relationships and I felt so left out. Nowadays, I can’t really imagine what other needs a relationship would fill for me. Since I haven’t been in one, I feel like I don’t know what I’m missing. And I’ve gotten more and more used to being different to other people, so that doesn’t bother me as much anymore.” [via]
‘I put attention on my future with myself’
“I didn’t plan it, but as I was born in a Indian family, marriage/relationships were a topic never forgotten, and I just grew such a hatred towards the words ‘marriage’ and ‘relationships’. Instead, I just put my attention on my future with myself not with someone else. There’s nothing wrong with being single, but many have a dissatisfaction with it because they are lonely. Even now, being single is portrayed as a bad thing. When in reality, many women can’t deal with someone else’s crap while dealing with their own. For me, being single isn’t a dissatisfaction at all.” [via]
