Whether you believe in the idea of ‘soulmates’ or not, there are some couples who seem to be, for want of a less clichéd term, made for each other. They seem to share the same humour, dress sense, cultural tastes, as well as outlooks, values, and life goals. They might even have the same traits or quirks. They’re just destined to be together!
And then there’s other couples who might appear to be polar opposites — and yet, their relationships are just as strong, happy, and long-lasting.
So, what gives? How does romantic compatibility work? What are the signs that, despite all your similarities or differences, the person you’re with is right for you? And how can you tell if they’re not?
“Compatibility isn’t something you find, it’s something you build,” says relationship therapist Catherine Topham Sly. “It certainly helps to have shared values and goals for your life together, but what matters most is how you respond to each other. The couples who thrive are the ones who are able to tune into one another, repair after conflict, and keep prioritising their relationship even when things get stressful. That’s how you build a feeling of compatibility that lasts.”
Often, it can be easier to figure out if your partner is right for you than if they’re wrong for you — maybe because it feels right or you’re able to talk openly about your feelings, desires, and hopes for the future. Incompatibility can be harder to spot, especially if a relationship thrives at the beginning. It can also be difficult to accept that the person you’re with might not be right for you, particularly if you’ve been together for a long time.
So, to help out those in this predicament, we tapped Topham Sly to share some signs of romantic incompatibility — and asked her if couples can work to become more compatible over time.
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Why might a couple be incompatible?
As with any matters of the heart, there’s no hard-and-fast rule about compatibility. Unfortunately, just because you both love bowling and, say, doggy style, are proficient in sarcasm, and imagine a white picket fence and two kids in your future, that doesn’t automatically mean your relationship will work or last.
“We often think of incompatibility as being about differences, for example in sexual desire, ambitions, or parenting styles,” says Topham Sly. “But it’s more often about how those differences are handled. When partners struggle to listen to each other, take responsibility, or be open to each other’s feelings and needs, that creates emotional disconnection, and that’s when relationships start to unravel.”
Basically, if you meet someone you like who doesn’t ‘tick all of your boxes’ in relation to interests, goals, or personality traits, as long as you’re good at communicating with, respecting, and wanting (and trying) to understand each other, then your relationship is in good hands. But if the communication has broken down — or never existed — and the relationship is making you feel bad more often than it is good, then that might be a sign you’re not meant to be together.
3 signs you might not be compatible with your partner
Topham Sly says you and your partner might be incompatible if:
- You regularly feel misunderstood, criticised, or lonely, even when you’re together
- There’s frequent conflict or the sense that you’re walking on eggshells
- You’re pulling away from each other
“These can be signs that you’ve got into a pattern that isn’t working,” says Topham Sly. But, she adds, although these could signal incompatibility, they also “might just mean you’re stuck in an unhelpful dynamic” — and that can often be changed.
“Rather than asking yourself if you’re compatible, it might be more helpful to ask: What happens between us when things feel hard, and how can we learn to respond differently?” Topham Sly suggests. “Most relationships get into stuck patterns which can feel like incompatibility, but are often more about unmet needs or past hurts. If you can talk honestly, listen with curiosity, and be there for each other in difficult moments, you might find that your differences feel less relevant.”
She continues: “One big myth is that compatibility should be easy and natural, and if it’s not, you must be with the wrong person. In reality, all relationships require effort. The early chemistry might feel effortless, but staying connected long-term means staying curious about each other, including how we impact one another. That’s how we do the work of love, and how we can come to feel more compatible all the time.”
Can a couple become more compatible over time?
The good news is, Topham Sly says you can build compatibility with someone! In fact, compatibility can ebb and flow over time, as your lives shift around you. At certain points, you and your partner might complement each other’s lives perfectly, and at other times, it might take a little (or a lot of) hard work to maintain a happy relationship.
So, how exactly can you build compatibility with a partner you feel like you’re drifting from? “Shared experiences are wonderful, but the most powerful way to deepen your connection is often to let your partner see more of what’s going on inside you,” says Topham Sly. “When you each share your thoughts, feelings, fears, and desires, you can develop a shared understanding and sense of intimacy which will leave you feeling deeply compatible.”
If your partner isn’t interested in hearing these thoughts and feelings, or doesn’t listen, acknowledge, or respect you when you share them, then it might be time to think about whether the relationship is worth it. There’s no greater sign of romantic incompatibility than refusing to put in the work in a relationship — no matter if, in Love Island language, they seem to be your perfect type on paper.
