When my long-term boyfriend broke up with me last summer, I knew the next few months were going to be awful. It was always the same for me: I’d cling on to a relationship for dear life, even when it was clear it wasn’t working, then I’d handle it horribly when they eventually ended it. I’ve never coped with a break-up, so much as crawled through it. Put it this way: nobody’s ever said to me, ‘God, you’re handling this well’.
I’m not being self-deprecating, either. My first love lived in Vancouver and when he couldn’t deal with the distance anymore, I spent weeks singing the Canadian national anthem on repeat and sobbing into a jar of maple syrup. I also wrote him a song. Three minutes long. No, you can’t hear it.
A decade later, my last break-up took over my entire personality. When my boyfriend dumped me unceremoniously because he had ‘too much going on’, I spiralled, questioning who I was without him. When I wasn’t crying on the tube, I was bringing him up in every conversation I had, or asking ChatGPT: ‘Is he an avoidant or does he just not love me?’
It turns out I’m not alone in my inability to boss a break-up (although I may have been riding solo with the maple syrup). In a recent study, researchers found that while break-ups are considered normative events, they can be stressful and even traumatic, especially for anxious people. Some experts even believe that break-ups are one of the most significant non-death-related events when it comes to loss. It’s no surprise, then, that it can feel so soul-crushing.
“It feels like grieving”, says sex and relationships therapist Trudy Hannington. “You’re not just losing a partner; you’re losing a routine, an identity, and the future you thought you’d share.”
During my most recent stint in break-up hell, I knew I would do anything to feel okay again. I tend to gravitate towards unhealthy behaviours, like refusing to accept the end of a relationship or simply rebounding. I’ve always struggled to move on constructively. How do people do it?
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According to Trudy, the healthiest way is by “allowing yourself to feel the loss, but also seeing it as a chance to reconnect with yourself”. Think journaling, therapy, travel, or taking yourself on dates.
As for the most common mistakes people make post-break-up, obsessing over their social media, numbing your feelings through hook-ups, and trying to ‘win’ the break-up are all ill-advised. “It may feel like control, but it keeps you emotionally tethered to them,” she adds.
With this in mind, I asked 17 women why their relationships really ended and how they moved on. Because behind every ‘it just wasn’t working’ narrative is a story — and sometimes, hearing how other people got through it is exactly what you need to start healing.
Sarah*, 28, Sheffield
How long we were together: Seven years.
Our relationship: We met during Fresher’s week at university. First love, first relationship, and first time being in a same-sex couple for us both.
Who initiated the break-up: It was mutual.
Why it happened: We’d grown apart and realised we had fallen out of love. I opened the conversation, and we agreed to take a break before separating permanently.
How I coped: I put myself out there and learnt who I was as a single person through new hobbies and going travelling. I have also been going to therapy to work through my emotions and process the change.
Emily*, 30, London
How long we were together: Three months.
Our relationship: We met on Hinge in our late 20s. It was a situationship really.
Who initiated the break-up: He did.
Why it happened: He thought we weren’t a good match.
How I coped: I tried to look nice every time I left the house! It gave me a confidence boost, even if I never ran into him.
Brianna*, 28, London
How long we were together: Two years.
Our relationship: We met through a close mutual friend and became friends before dating. We were pretty happy and didn’t really argue.
Who initiated the break-up: She did.
Why it happened: She said she wasn’t in love with me anymore. Later, she confessed she also had feelings for the mutual friend who introduced us.
How I coped: We tried to stay friends but we just ended up in a situationship, which I knew wasn’t healthy. We stayed in this weird limbo until she brought the new girl she was seeing to my birthday party and had sex with her in the women’s toilets… This felt more like a break-up than the actual break-up.
I let myself feel really sad and angry for a month, sending some messy emails I’m not proud of. Then I downloaded a dating app and went on about 10 dates in one month. When I put myself out there, I started believing I could have a connection with someone new.
Ella*, 27, Birmingham
How long we were together: Three years.
Our relationship: We met on a dating app and ended up doing long distance because of his job. We had an amazing relationship. He used to drive hours to see me every weekend.
Who initiated the break-up: He did.
Why it happened: We started arguing a lot due to the distance.
How I coped: I focused on doing things for me, as well as things I initially planned on doing with him, to prove I could. I ended up buying a house and taking a solo trip to Australia.
Samantha*, 27, Milton Keynes
How long we were together: Two years.
Our relationship: We met at drama club and were each other’s first real relationship.
Who initiated the break-up: I did.
Why it happened: He became obsessive when I went to university, and meeting other guys made me realise the red flags I’d ignored.
How I coped: I wrote myself a note that rationalised the break-up and read it in moments of weakness. I also made a conscious effort to go back to places we had been together to overwrite the memories with new positive experiences. I didn’t want to get to a stage where I avoided anything that reminded me of him.
Aditi*, 26, London
How long we were together: Seven years.
Our relationship: We met at sixth form. I’d moved from another school and we became fast friends, then ended up being together all through university and a while after.
Who initiated the break-up: He did.
Why it happened: He felt like we had lost our spark and, I quote, wanted to “have his cake and eat it”. Hilarious.
How I coped: I threw myself into personal development: building my career, establishing a self-care routine, journaling, moving away from my home town, and maintaining no contact. Nourishing my female friendships was also a huge part of my healing. All these things help me not just get over the break-up, but grow into a woman I am proud of.
Ashley*, 27, Buckinghamshire
How long we were together: Two years.
Our relationship: We met at a pub through friends. He was a couple of years older. The relationship was nice(ish) at first but quickly became stressful.
Who initiated the break-up: I did.
Why it happened: We were very different: I had a plan for my life and he didn’t. I think this was an insecurity of his, which he took out on me.
How I coped: I found it hard to move on at first. Not because I missed him (I barely even liked him), but I felt obliged to stay out of guilt. I struggled with being happy in myself too, so I went to therapy, and it was the best thing I ever did!
Isla*, 27, London
How long we’d been together: 18 months.
Our relationship: We met on a night out
Who initiated the break-up: He did.
Why it happened: I was still studying in Birmingham and he was working in London, but he didn’t want to do long distance.
How I coped: I had some fun nights out with friends and documented it all on Instagram. Obviously he came running back with every pic. I also studied very hard to get a First in my degree and then went and partied in Ibiza. Oh, and then I dated his friend. Worked a treat.
Mared*, 29, London
How long we’d been together: 18 months.
Our relationship: We met at a party one Halloween and dated for a few months before he went travelling. We stayed in touch the whole time he was away and I actually visited him in Thailand.
Who initiated the break-up: He did.
Why it happened: When he came back, he told me he didn’t want a relationship.
How I coped: I thought we had a future together, so it’s been hard. Running has really helped. Whenever I feel sad — and it has been a lot this year — going for a run stops my tears and clears my head. I’ve also been reading loads, which lets me escape into someone else’s world rather than dwelling on my own sadness. It’s helping me prove to myself I’m intelligent, interesting, and a good person because I’m curious about others.
Rosemary*, 27, London
How long we were together: Four years.
Our relationship: We met in our second year of university and fell into the same social circle. A very sweet relationship for the most part, he was part of the family.
Who initiated the break-up: He did.
Why it happened: He said we were too different. I wanted a ‘traditional’ life — marriage, kids, a house — while he wanted to live in a van, didn’t believe in marriage, and didn’t want kids. I couldn’t understand where it came from, as we spoke about our future a lot.
How I coped: I think if it wasn’t for the distraction of work, it would have been a lot harder. My friends were my rock in the rest of the grief. Taylor Swift also helped me through the break-up; her songs had a new meaning, but it took two years to feel properly past it.
Alice*, 26, Edinburgh
How long we’d been together: 18 months.
Our relationship: We met when I was living in Montreal and spent six months together there. When I moved back to the UK, we did long distance for another year.
Who initiated the break-up: I did.
Why it happened: I found out he was cheating.
How I coped: Not very well for the first few months. I had never felt so hurt or betrayed. He was my first love. I got into a new relationship too quickly without healing properly, so in all honesty, I probably only got over it a few months after my second break-up. Eventually, we got back in contact and had both grown up enough to talk about what happened. He apologised, which really helped.
Annie*, 32, York
How long we’d been together: 18 months.
Our relationship: We met on Tinder in our mid-20s. I actually thought he was ‘the one’ for a while, but in hindsight, it was underwhelming.
Who initiated the break-up: I did.
Why it happened: He told me he wanted to move abroad on his own. I stayed with him, but knowing there was an expiration date on our relationship made me feel unsettled. One night, we got a takeaway, and I ordered chicken nuggets, while he ordered pizza. He didn’t offer me any of his pizza, but he ate — without asking — one of my chicken nuggets. I was furious. Not least because I love chicken nuggets and only had a limited amount, but because it represented his selfish disregard for me.
How I coped: I kept a diary and when I would contemplate staying in versus going out, I asked myself which I would rather read about in a year. I’m now happily married to a man who always orders extra nuggets. Oh, and my ex never moved abroad.
Aoife*, 27, London
How long we’d been together: One year.
Our relationship: I met a guy on holiday who was also from the UK. We continued things back home and it was nice, but involved lots of time apart as we lived in different parts of the country.
Who initiated the break-up: It was mutual.
Why it happened: He was miserable doing long distance, so I thought it would be best to break up as neither of us were able to move. After a while, I wanted to get back together, but he didn’t.
How I coped: We went no contact, and I cried for a month. After that, I thought I was fine, but then I got drunk and FaceTimed him 27 times in one night. I started to feel better with time, although I did get the odd pang of sadness months later.
Libby*, 27, Manchester
How long we’d been together: Four years.
Our relationship: We met on a dating app at the beginning of Covid. The relationship was fun and we merged our friendship groups together, so we were always going out.
Who initiated the break-up: I did.
Why it happened: We were too comfortable and stopped making an effort, resulting in more of a friendship.
How I coped: Not rushing the process. I wasn’t ready to re-download dating apps and wanted to focus on myself for a while — although I do see how it could be a good distraction.
Zoe*, 29, London
How long we’d been together: Nearly four months.
Our relationship: We met on Hinge earlier this year. The relationship was healthy, and the chemistry was clear from the start. We spoke every single day.
Who initiated the break-up: She did.
Why it happened: She felt our lives were on different trajectories: I had only recently started dating women, which she found unnerving. She’s in her 30s and knows she wants to have children in the next few years, and that’s not at the forefront of my mind right now.
How I coped: This break-up has been difficult, particularly because I feel we had more to explore together. I’ve been very strict about not reading old messages or checking her socials, and I sit with my sadness when it creeps up. I also walk everywhere to clear my mind. It helps a lot.
Kate*, 27, Coventry
How long we’d been together: Nine years.
Our relationship: We met online in our late teens and had a very turbulent relationship. We have one child together and were even engaged.
Who initiated the break-up: I did.
Why it happened: After having the baby, I realised I was unhappy, as he became emotionally abusive. He wasn’t a good partner or father, and knew I had to put myself and my child first.
How I coped: I stayed strong in my decision, as I knew it was the end. I met someone else soon after who makes me truly happy.
Fran*, 24, Birmingham
How long we’d been together: Three years.
Our relationship: We met through university rugby and were friends for a year before getting into a relationship. After we graduated, we moved in together.
Who initiated the break-up: She did. Broke my little heart.
Why it happened: I wanted to be near my family, start my career, and buy a house together, while she wanted to do a Masters and a PhD. She wasn’t ready to settle down, and didn’t want to end up resenting me if she did.
How I coped: Terribly at first, but I got there. Three years on, I’m thriving, happy, and full of respect for what she did. She made the right call.
*Names have been changed
