You don’t need us to tell you that dating right now is no walk in the park. Trying to find one person you want to go on a second date with, let alone ‘the one’ has never been harder — which is perhaps why Gen Z are more likely to be single, in comparison to millennials and beyond. But, for those who do manage to find love, what happens when the person you think could be ‘the one’ doesn’t want the role?
Yep, we’re talking about commitment-phobes. Whether you’re intimately familiar with this particular type of lover, or lucky enough to have only seen it on screen, you’ll know that dating a commitment-phobe can be particularly challenging — and often devastating. And you just don’t have to take our word for it. Plenty of real-life daters have been sharing their experiences on social media. “A commitment-phobe will waste your time and ruin your life,” one person wrote on X, with another posting: “A commitment-phobe won’t commit to any relationship, however hard you try. Please just move on.” Over on TikTok, where there are hundreds of clips under the ‘commitment-phobe’ hashtag, countless daters tell their tales of failed relationships and how they wish they knew the signs.
So, what exactly are the signs? And, more importantly, what should you do if you find yourself dating someone scared to commit?
What is a commitment-phobe?
“A commitment-phobe is someone who actively avoids settling into long-term relationships, no matter how much time you’ve spent together or how you feel,” explains Claire Rénier, relationship expert at dating app happn. “They may give you hope that your relationship has a future, but in reality, they are consistently reluctant to take the next step or even to commit to where you’re at now.”
Rénier goes on to say there are signs you’re dating a commitment-phobe, but these can be “difficult to detect”. As a result, she adds, daters often wonder: ‘Is it me, or them?’
7 signs you’re dating a commitment-phobe
1. ‘Taking it slow’… forever
“For some people, commitment-phobia may take the form of constantly telling their partner that they want to take things ‘slowly’ and that they need their space,” explains Rénier. “Perhaps because they are anxious about the relationship getting too serious.”
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2. Avoidance of relationship labels
“You might notice that they refuse to label your relationship,” Rénier adds. “This gives them an easy out when things become too intense, but also allows them to keep the door open if they change their mind.”
Therapist and BACP member Sandhya Bhattacharya puts label-avoidance behaviour down to a reluctance to face critique. “Committing to a relationship means staying with the painful disagreements as well as the closeness and connection,” she tells Cosmopolitan UK. “It can be difficult to tolerate an experience of being criticised or owning parts of ourselves we don’t particularly care to see.”
3. Hot and cold communication
How your partner communicates with you can be a sign of their willingness to commit, says Rénier. “Some may behave in a ‘hot and cold’ way, where they retreat from their partner whenever they are getting closer in their relationship,” she explains. “This could look like texting you less or becoming emotionally distant until they feel comfortable again.”
“If every time things move forward, they pull back, it’s a red flag,” adds Natasha Nyeke, therapist and BACP member.
4. No-strings attached
Another sign you’re dating a commitment-phobe is that they live by a ‘no-strings attached’ mentality. “Someone who is commitment-phobic could also have a lot of one-night stands and casual flings, with a focus on having no strings attached rather than looking for a settled relationship,” says Rénier.
Although it’s worth pointing out that having casual sex isn’t a sign you’re a commitment-phobe in itself, and the number of sexual partners someone has had should never be something they’re judged on.
5. Keeping your circle small
If you’ve never been introduced to your partner’s friends or family — and they show no signs of interest in you ever meeting them — this is also a potential sign you’re dating a commitment-phobe. “A reluctance to introduce you to their family and friends,” according to Rénier, is an indication that a commitment-phobe wants to “keep things casual”.
Nyeke says a commitment-phobe’s words often don’t match up with their actions. “They may say they want a future [with you], but avoid real steps like introducing you to friends,” she explains. “If you’re always unsure where you stand, trust that feeling.”
6. Future? Never heard of her
Speaking of the future… a commitment-phobe will generally try to avoid this. Categorically, Bhattacharya defines a commitment-phobe as “someone unwilling or unable to think about a future with someone”. She adds that this “difficulty to engage with someone in the long-term” means they “tend to live in the present rather than making future plans”.
7. ‘Let’s just go with the flow’
If your partner is reluctant to plan anything — whether that’s a holiday in a few months time or even a date in a week — experts say this is yet another indicator they might be a commitment-phobe. “They may be unreliable when it comes to plans together,” says Rénier, adding this is particularly noticeable when it comes to milestones. “They might not take any responsibility for occasions like birthdays,” she notes, pointing to excuses like ‘it’s not my job to organise that’ or ‘it’s not that serious yet’.
Perhaps your partner makes plans, but often flakes on them. This, Bhattacharya says, is a commitment-phobic trait as well: “[Commitment-phobes] are inconsistent in sticking to plans, either ‘forgetting’ or changing plans at the last minute.” As a result, she adds: “You might not be able to clearly understand their intentions; instead, you’re left with a sense of confusion even after you think you’ve made plans together.”
Why might someone be afraid of commitment?
“A fear of commitment can often stem from several complex factors,” Rénier tells Cosmopolitan UK. “These could include negative past experiences with relationships — both their own and those of their loved ones. It’s understandable for some to avoid commitment if this is their experience, as not committing allows them to leave if necessary, and they may feel emotionally safer than settling down.”
Nyeke attests to this. “It usually comes from fear,” the therapist notes. “Fear of being abandoned, controlled, or not good enough.” Explaining where this fear comes from, Nyeke says: “Many have learnt from childhood or past relationships that love means pain, so avoiding closeness feels safer.”
Beyond fear, a desire to maintain independence could be a factor. “It may also be that they value their independence,” adds Rénier, “but to a point that excludes the possibility of the shared experiences that come with relationships. For example, this could stem from a fear of losing their identity or freedom within the relationship.”
Ultimately, Rénier says, you shouldn’t take any of this personally. “Avoiding commitment is deeply personal — and could have nothing to do with the specific relationship,” she assures. “If your partner doesn’t like you, you’d hope that they would end the relationship quickly and cleanly. Instead, behaving inconsistently within the relationship could be a sign that your partner does really like you, but is afraid of showing the vulnerability that you require.”
“It is important to recognise that people seek more casual relationships for a variety of valid reasons — from being too busy to invest serious time and energy into a connection, to knowing that they are not emotionally ready for a serious relationship,” Rénier continues. “However, if your partner has not set clear expectations that they want a casual relationship and is instead stringing you along an emotional rollercoaster, it is likely that a fear of commitment is at fault.”
Can you have a future with a commitment-phobe?
With that in mind, Rénier says you can have a future with a commitment-phobe — so long as you’re both on the same page about what that future looks like.
“[If you both want to] keep the relationship casual, being with someone who avoids commitment can be a fun experience that isn’t weighed down by pressure about the relationship,” she says. “But, if one person is looking to settle down and another person fears committing, there is a danger that the unequal expectations can lead to future heartbreak. The relationship can feel unstable and frustrating, leaving you forever craving a deeper connection that you’ll never get.”
If you suspect you’re dating a commitment-phobe — and want to figure out where you stand — Rénier says the first thing you need to do is have an honest and open conversation with them. “Sometimes what looks like commitment-phobia may not be an intentional choice, and your partner might reassure you that they are serious about being with you,” she advises. “Being clear about how you feel might help you to both grow together and establish where you’d like the relationship to go.”
On the flip side, adds Rénier: “If your partner does have some trauma from past relationships that has made them fear commitment, they may need some space to work through their feelings.” She notes that this may require some patience and potentially even the help of a professional, but can lead to a healthier relationship over time.
If none of this is the case, and your partner is consistently showing signs of commitment-phobia with no keenness to address it, here’s what to do. “Take a step back and ask yourself whether this person is actually fulfilling your needs,” Rénier says. “If their fear of commitment leaves you feeling constantly insecure or unhappy, you may need to ask yourself whether they are really right for you.”
